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UM Mock Trial Team prepares to enter national competition

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Last weekend, the UM Mock Trial Team competed against 26 other teams in a Southeast United States regional competition and received a bid to continue on to the nationals competition in St. Paul, MN later this month.
“I was both surprised and not. If you would have told me before the competition started that we were going to receive a bid to nationals, I would not have totally believed it,” Don Donelson, team captain, said. “After we got there and started competing in the early rounds, I felt we were doing very well. I would say that when they were announcing bids, I felt we had a chance of getting one.”
Along with their bid to nationals, Donelson walked away with an award for outstanding attorney in the region.
“Our entire team is very excited about our success at regionals and look forward to carrying it through to nationals in St. Paul,” Donelson said.
Throughout the year, the Team promotes the study of law and offers undergraduates experience so they can learn more about law school as well as the law profession. The members say they enjoy the courtroom experience and competitive nature of the mock trials.
Elham Dehbozorgi, the lone senior on the team and president of the pre-law fraternity Phi Alpha Delta, loves the teamwork and effort that all the team members put in.
She says she was not surprised about their success.
“Our performance during the entire competition was excellent,” she said.
In the past, the UM team has not done so well but did receive a bid to nationals approximately four to five years ago. Last year, they placed 18th out of 24 teams.
“I hope that this year’s success will catapult UM Mock Trial to a sustained level of excellence,” Donelson said. “Outsiders know we have top level sports programs, but not many recognize our academic teams as at the same level. We hope to be a part of what changes that notion.”
The team will compete in the national competition in St. Paul Minnesota March 21-23. UM will competing against schools such as Duke, Yale, Cornell, Columbia and Notre Dame.
According to team members, they will be practicing three to four times a week and contacting a local litigator to help them prepare for the competition.

If interested in trying out for the team next year, contact Don Donelson at don8049@hotmail.com.

Kathleen Fordyce can be contacted at K4Dice@aol.com

UM goes bald for charity

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LINK, UM’s student volunteer organization, gave students a chance to shed their winter hair for a good cause.
LINK cut students’ and faculty members’ hair under a tent on the Rock earlier this week to donate to Locks of Love, a charity organization that makes hair prostheses for children with clinical hair loss.
“I’m really nervous,” Kaz Pais said as she waited outside the tent for her appointment time. “I’ve never had short hair. But it’s to benefit children, which is always a really good cause.”
The opportunity was created last year by senior Lina Patel, who had wanted to donate hair for a long time but did not know how. Patel did some research and organized a hair drive at UM.
“When I went to the website and read about the possibility of a hair drive, I thought it would be a great thing for UM,” Patel said.
Locks of Love uses donated hair to help children ages six to 17, most of whom suffer from alopecia areata, a disease with no known cause or cure in which the child’s own white blood cells attack his or her hair follicles.
Hairpieces normally run about $3000 per piece, which is why Locks of Love gives an immense gift to children with alopecia areata.
The National Alopecia Areata Foundation website states:
“Although not life-threatening, alopecia areata is most certainly life-altering, and its sudden onset, recurrent episodes, and unpredictable course have a profound psychological impact on the lives of those disrupted by this disease.”
Because it takes fifteen ponytails of hair to make one hairpiece, donations are invaluable to the charity.
Donations must be at least ten inches long, of any color or texture hair, because young girls tend to request very long hair.
According to the official Locks of Love website, those who are likely to donate are mostly children or other young people, which makes UM a great place to have a hair drive.
The UM hair drive took donations from 20 people last year, and this year had 22 people call for appointments; many more stopped by without appointments.
“More than taking donations, the drive is about awareness,” Patel said. “You see so many people with long hair around UM. People don’t know they can donate it. The drive increases awareness to people who may want to contribute later.”
LINK hopes to run a hair drive every semester and encourages students to grow their hair out to give next time. Locks of Love also takes monetary donations and volunteers at their salons and offices.

For more information on Locks of Love, visit www.locksoflove.org.

To find out more on how to get involved, contact LINK at Link0203@hotmail.com.

Jacklyn Lisenby can be contacted at j.lisenby@miami.edu

Date auction raises money for new UMTV show

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If students were in search of a great guy or girl to take for a night on the town, they just may have gotten lucky at the date auction organized and produced by Canes Gone Crazy this week at the Rat.
“Canes Gone Crazy is a high energy, high impact show for kids that want to go crazy but don’t want to leave their room,” Aaron Zippin, executive producer of Canes Gone Crazy, said. “The goal for tonight is for all of us to go on fantastic dates and for us to make some money, but mostly just to have fun.”
Zippin was the first to be auctioned on the docket.
The auction served as the first fundraising event for the new program.
Jason Kerepesi, the announcer for the auction, was optimistic about the evening and the role he was to play in auctioning off dating volunteers.
“I’m going to be describing the people and the dates and poke fun at them at the same time as only I can,” said Kerepesi. “Hopefully we can raise some money for this wonderful show.”
“We wanted to do something really ‘college’ – something really young,” Katie Brown, executive producer for the show, said. “I feel like it’s a good thing for our show – I’m all for having a good time.”
Brown was also up for bids.
As the lights went down and the bids went up, girls and guys were given the opportunity to strut their stuff on stage while Kerepesi provided information about them from note cards they had written.
The participants did everything they could to hype the crowd. One student even stripped down to his underwear.
Throughout the event, auction volunteers waited eagerly for their moment to shine and raise money for a good cause.
“I’m a little nervous. It has the potential to be a great time but it could also be a horrible disaster,” said freshman Rob Vitolo, who is a host and camera man for Canes Gone Crazy. “It’s an interesting way to raise money that fits with the people in our show – a different way to attract people.”
“I feel a little prostituted, but I don’t really mind,” freshman Joel Scagnelli, a cameraman for Canes Gone Crazy who was also preparing to be auctioned off to the highest bidder, said.
Scagnelli even convinced his friend, freshman Gina Farinhas, to participate in the auction. Farinhas had only come as moral support, but then decided to be auctioned off as well.
“Canes Gone Crazy is a good show and anything to make money for it is a good thing,” Farinhas said.
Among the lively variety of datable auction participants was the Party Pack, a collection of five guys who would be sold as a group to the highest bidder: Anthony Biase, Pete Hagen, Kyle Griffith, Mathew Ruttkay and James Wilson got together as a group to support the program.
“It’s a good opportunity for girls to take us out on dates,” Biase said.
“They called me out of bed,” Griffith said. “I feel like a sex object.”
The highest bidder for the Party Pack won a date with all five of the UM bachelors.
In the audience, friends of those auctioned-off voiced their support.
“I think it’s a good, creative way for an organization on campus to raise money for itself,” said Mike Diccicca, sophomore.
“I think it’s kind of cool, because as another organization on campus, we’ve done some fundraising things and it’s good to see what other people do,” Aric Bickel, sophomore, said.
After all bids were down and all parties accounted for, the producers extended their appreciation to all those who came to support their fellow ‘Canes.
“Our main goal was to have fun, and it went the best way we ever thought it would,” Zippen said.
Canes Gone Crazy is looking forward to another energy-packed fundraiser to be held in the beginning of April called the “Duct Tape Fashion Show.”
Students can register as teams and will have to design costumes for one team model using only duct tape and scissors. The best outfit will win a grand prize with smaller prizes for runners up.
“I can’t tell you what the prize is, but it will be well worth the time,” Brown said.
Canes Gone Crazy airs every Wednesday and Friday night at 7:30 p.m. on the College Television Network.

For more information, visit www.canesgonecrazy.com.

Whitney Friedrich can be contacted at Witz615@aol.com

Campus Calendar

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TODAY
The annual Education Career Fair will be at 9 a.m. in the UC Ballrooms. Representatives from school districts will be on campus to meet with students about job opportunities. In addition to the fair, many of these organizations will be conducting interviews so don’t miss out! You can get event details and a list of participating schools at www.miami.edu/careerexpo/students/educationcareerfair.

Don’t miss your chance to be on the Hispanic Heritage Month executive board. Applications are due today in Multicultural Student Affairs, building 21-P.

Women’s tennis takes on University of Virginia at noon at the Schiff Tennis Center.

SATURDAY MARCH 8
Want to get a discount to the bookstore? Then be sure to go to the Men’s basketball game at 9 p.m. This will be their final home game of the season taking on St. John’s. Not only will there be a Follett promotion at half time to win discounts, but the executive chef at the Convocation Center will bake giant chocolate chip cookies to commemorate a “sweet” inaugural season and to celebrate National Chocolate Chip Cookie Week. Cookies will be distributed to all students who attend the game. Don’t forget to wear your beach attire and get to the game early for your cookie.

Stop by the Schiff Tennis Center to see Men’s tennis take on Clemson University at 1 p.m.

SUNDAY MARCH 9
Men’s tennis hosts Virginia Tech at 1 p.m. at the Schiff Tennis Center.

TUESDAY MARCH 11
Baseball hosts South Florida at 7 p.m. at Mark Light Stadium.

Be sure to see the tennis double header when Women’s tennis takes on Boston University at 2 p.m. and men’s tennis takes on American University at 6 p.m. Both matches will be at the Schiff Tennis Center.

WEDNESDAY MARCH 12
Kaplan and the Law offices of Robert Kravitz invite you to a free Immigration Workshop. The seminar will include discussions about student visas, visa issues and green cards. The seminar will be at 6 p.m. at 1320 South Dixie Highway, Suite 100. For more information or to reserve your seat call 1-800-818-9128.

WEDNESDAY MARCH 19
Winter’s over, so gather your bats and balls. It’s time for intramural softball to begin and this is your last chance to sign up. Play begins on March 23. For more information, contact Jason at 305-284-8518

Are you looking for a place to play some pool? If so, be sure to sign up for team billiards. For more information, contact Jason at 305-284-8518.

Calling all soccer players: No need to worry about getting dirty because it’s indoors! Indoor soccer leagues begin play on March 23 so be sure to sign up. For more information, contact Jason at 305-284-8518.

THURSDAY MARCH 20
Don’t miss your chance to help a good cause and have some fun at the same time. Come on out for the Hoops for Hunger three-on-three basketball tournament! This is your last chance. For more information, contact Jason at 305-284-8518.

FRIDAY MARCH 21
A Week for Life executive board applications are due in UC 240. For more information, call 305-284-GIVE.

SATURDAY MARCH 22
Hurricane Productions is proud to present: The Pat McGee Band. Concert will be on the UC Patio at 8 p.m. Doors open at 7 p.m. The concert is free for UM students. For more info check out the HP website: www.um-hp.com.

PHASE I UNIVERSITY VILLAGE

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UM is geared to begin Phase I of University Village, despite opposition from the UM Neighbors Homeowners Association [UMNHOA], utilizing the original plans approved by the City of Coral Gables in 1992 and setting aside the revised 2002 plans that reflected modifications to the original proposal.
“Because of the critical need for housing, the University needs to move forward with Phase I of the originally adopted plan for University Village,” Sergio Rodriguez, vice-president of Real Estate for UM, said. “Once Phase I is under construction, the University will engage again in dialogue with the City and our neighbors relative to Phase II.”
To date, the UMNHOA has gathered about 600 signatures from residents against the construction of University Village.
However, not all residents in the area support the petition.
“As a neighbor of the proposed University Village, I find the prospect of a developed area much more appropriate than the current open space and parking lots,” Margaret Marshall, director of English Composition and resident of the proposed area, said. “Since [UMNHOA] have perpetuated misinformation, I doubt that their claim of representing over 600 homeowners accurately portrays the sentiments of the informed population of this area.”
Currently, there is a petition of students in favor of University Village with over 1500 signatures.
Phase I of the project will house approximately 510 undergraduate juniors and seniors as well as graduate and law students in a total of 162 apartments. All the apartments will have separate single bedrooms, most of which will have their own private bathroom.
Currently, on-campus housing is only available for 27 percent of the student population.
“From my perspective, the modified plan was much superior, but the need for housing cannot be held hostage to the demands of the irrational few,” Marshall said.
Regardless, the UMNHOA believes that incorporating a University Village will increase traffic, massing and density to unacceptable levels in the neighborhood.
Another one of the main concerns of the UMNHOA is that crime in the area will increase if University Village is built.
However, according to administration working with the project, the new facilities will include a security program that will increase safety on the site. Full-time managers and community assistants will reside at the complex with 24-hour security patrols.
Henry Christensen, director of Public Safety, says that crime in the area has decreased significantly since a patrolling security guard and bicycled officers have been stationed in the area around Frat Row where University Village will be built.
Marshall believes that the UMNHOA is assuming that UM students are responsible for disturbances and petty crimes in the area, even though similar occurrences happen in most metropolitan areas.
“The complaints about students are, in my albeit brief experience, completely groundless,” Marshall said. “Because someone is shouting in the middle of the night or a group of young people are congregated in the open space where the University Village will be does not necessarily mean they are students.”
“It seems to me that some of the neighbors mistake the features of modern urban living for living next to students,” Marshall said. “These neighbors will not be appeased no matter what the University proposes to do with the area and unfortunately have made the process more difficult than it has to be and ultimately the plan will be less than it might be.”
Recently, the UMNHOA has cited several articles that were printed in the Miami Hurricane as evidence to support their idea that UM students are disorderly and unmanageable. However, the primary article they have mentioned, a Feb. 12 front-page investigative report on the recent increase in disciplinary violations on campus, has continually been misconstrued and placed out of context by members of the UMNHOA at Coral Gables City Council meetings.
“The University of Miami has not been able to guarantee the safety of students or adequately control drug usage within its property,” the UMNHOA said in a correspondence statement to UM, citing the article. “The UMNHOA is greatly concerned about the University’s current and future abilities to maintain a safe and secure environment.”
However, the article in question was focused on how UM administration has made an effort to increase the accountability of students and provide violators with preventative programs that will help them make more educated decisions.
“The neighbors really have no way of knowing what college students are like on a day-to-day basis,” Jose Salgado, sophomore, said. “The article the UMNHOA is referring to supports the fact that UM is aware of the issues that students have and is tackling them in a positive manner.”
“Once strict consequences arise, students are less likely to break the rules,” Salgado said.
According to Janet Gavarette, University planner, the UMNHOA has filed a lawsuit against UM to try to stop Phase I of the 1992 plan of the project from proceeding because they “feel strongly that what was tendered ten years ago is not pertinent in today’s planning environment.”
“The University of Miami recently received a notice from an attorney representing the Homeowner’s Association,” Gavarette said. “We believe it is appropriate until the matter is resolved that we reserve further comment.”
Many students understand the need for the safe, convenient and reasonably priced housing that University Village will provide.
“Overall, students at UM have welcomed the concept of University Village and do not understand why residents of Coral Gables are trying to stall plans to build additional housing for upperclassmen on campus,” Devang Desai, third year law student and president of student government for the law school, said. “Given the current political climate and views expressed by the neighbors of Coral Gables, more students have jumped onto the University Village bandwagon to lend a helping hand to educate residents, politicians and community relation committee members as to reasons why University Village is a critical component for UM’s long range plan and its student body.”
Christopher Vasquez, a sophomore majoring in public relations and political science, says he feels like a member of the Coral Gables community.
“As University of Miami students, most of us feel that we are residents of the Coral Gables community,” Vasquez said. “Whenever my friends and I tell people that we go to the University of Miami, we always have to specify that UM is in Coral Gables as a way of recognizing that we live in a great area. When I need food, I eat at the restaurants on US-1 and in Downtown Coral Gables. When I need a haircut, I go to Miracle Mile.”
“More importantly though, many students have chosen Coral Gables to register to vote, making them legal citizens of the city,” Vasquez said.
Members of the faculty are also in support of University Village.
“As a professor here at UM, it is very clear to me that many of our students are burdened with long commutes because they cannot afford housing close to campus – many of these students also work in order to help pay the cost of their education,” Marshall said. “Affordable housing closer to campus would allow these students to take advantage of the many extracurricular educational opportunities the campus experience provides: lectures, movies, symposia, theatrical and music events, etc.”
“It is very important for younger students to live and interact with senior students who in many circumstances serve as role models,” Cie Chapel, interim assistant director of student activities and leadership programs, said.
Although Phase I of the 1992 plan is in the works, UM administration will continue to communicate with the UMNHOA throughout the process.
“We have submitted a request for a permit,” Gilbert Arias, director of Budgeting and Personnel, said. “Once we receive approval, we will move forth with the project.”
However, Arias says UM will remain in communication with the UMNHOA throughout the process.
“It’s always been our goal to be good neighbors,” Arias said. “We listen to the concerns and suggestions of our neighbors and try our best to accommodate their requests.”

For more information contact the University Village information line at 305-284-6728 or e-mail questions and comments to universityvillage@miami.edu.

To sign the petition supporting University Village, stop by the Office of Student Activities in UC 209.

Jorge Arauz can be contacted at xxarauzxx@yahoo.com.

Winter Music Conference Calendar

Save some room in your beer gut during spring break for the Winter Music Conference, which swarms Miami Beach on March 18-22. Our coverage this year will be unparalleled – trust us (to be safe, this time we’re not throwing the parties). Here’s where we’ll be. Be safe.

March 18

Billboard Live – Urb party – Prince Paul, Peaches
Pure Lounge – Missy Elliott & Fabolous

March 19

Goddess – Jazzy Jeff, DJ Spinna (heard rumors about Pete Rock)
SoHo Lounge – Perversion Party – www.perversionparty.com

March 20

SoHo Lounge – the Fader party – the Rapture, Princess Superstar, Prince Paul
the Creek (this place is sick!)- XLR8R party – Beans, Funky Lowlives
Club Space – Sasha & Digweed

March 21

SoHo Lounge – Vice party – Adult, James Murphy (DFA), Justine D (Motherfucker NYC)
Level – Big Shot party – Dieselboy, the Allies (DJ Craze, A-trak)
Nikki Beach – Astralwerks party – Royksopp, VHS or Beta

March 22

Ultrafest (the Streets, Underworld) versus Infiltrate 5.0 (we’ll be @ Infiltrate)

eye filler: Mardi Gras shenanigans

L&A made sure we had Mardi Gras coverage on lock. But where are the girls wearing this spring’s skimpiest bead fashions you ask? We don’t know either ladies.

Our photographer, Chris Howard, went the artsy route, which is actually ok. The photo of the religious fanatics protesting like college war protesters is definitely a keeper. There were more people working to refreshen our souls than ever this year.

Other than that, we have a bearded, bald dude posing in front of kegs, a tasty feast New Orleans creature-style, and some guys who are definitely getting more play than Murs. Tha last pic? Shrug.

Frantic Hallucinations at the Bass Museum: The intense world of Yayoi Kusama

Japanese-born artist Yayoi Kusama once described her art as “psychosomatic.” Indeed, her work–a selection of which is currently on display at the Bass Museum of Art in Miami Beach–is a fanatically brilliant expression of visions that have haunted her since childhood. Kusama’s creations vary in medium but all share a common theme of obsession, repetition and accumulation.

Although it is moderate in size, the Bass exhibit shows a wide spectrum of Kusama’s work. Beginning with a collection of polka-dotted paintings, it then meanders past a sea of writhing white snake-like arms (that seem to intend upon enveloping the floor space), and ends in a room lined with giant statues of Venus “obliterated by infinity nets.”

A couch frame covered by hundreds of white phallic forms is what Kusama calls “aggregation-sculptures.” The phallus, a form that is used consistently by the artist, echos her obsession and attempt to master her fear of the penis. Behind the couch, adding to the intrigue and shock value, is a picture of Kusama, naked, lying on the couch.

In the center of the second room, surrounded by the multicolored Venus statues, sits a giant six-sided structure made of mirrors. As people walk around it, they can see themselves reflected with the Venus statues in the background. In this way, the observer experiences his or her self as being connected with, or part of, the art. The inside of the mirrored structure is also in the exhibit. There is a small rectangle cut into one side, just large enough to peer into as the eyes are overwhelmed and dazzled by a series lights, flashing Vegas-style in a repetitive pattern. The walls mirror each other and create the sense of infinity. Perhaps this visual experience is similar to what Kusama experiences in her “visions.”

Kusama is a master of self-promotion and has a knack for grabbing the attention of both the art world and the public at large. Tucked away in a corner is a small television playing one of her self-made videos from the 1960s, an example of such self-promotion tools. It documents some of her projects, which include what she refers to as “happenings,” which were public displays of nudity occurring in places like Central Park and the New York Stock Exchange. Sometimes the artist used naked bodies like canvases and covered them with polka dots; at other times, nudes were used to draw attention to Kusama’s political protests.

Producing an excellent sense of Kusama’s world, each piece is an articulation of her frantic, obsessive visions; each is an attempt to free her mind of the plaguing patterns and hallucinations by translating them into a tangible form. It’s amazing and intriguing. Go experience it for yourself.

Yayoi Kusama works are on display at the Bass Museum of Art, 2121 Park Ave., Miami Beach, until May 11. Call 305-673-7530 for more info.

Liz Johnson can be reached at lizy_mcsaucy@hotmail.com

Come an’ Git Yer Love at the Ambrosino Gallery: Goats are so ’96

Artist Paul Mullins has a fine eye for trailer trash and has explored this subject in various conditions–i.e., wrestling, partying and other curious poses.

Currently at the Ambrosino Gallery in North Miami, his new show Come an Git Yer Love is a peculiar drawing and ink study of human/animal relations.

Notwithstanding the shock value that it conveys, one can look past the explicitness of the images and fathom how the artist delves into some unspoken impetuous instincts that lay deep in the murky abyss of our unconscious–obviously, these aren’t necessarily urges to take part of sexual interactions with animals, but rather impulses we may have that are brutish and animalistic, our brash, often erratic capriciousness.

Here, his “Longhorn (Me and You Baby)” (left) and “Bite (Roll on Blue Skies)” (right) are finely drawn and inked to display the primal emotion that must accompany them. As a sensible viewer, it’s wise not to take these images literally. They are pieces of art and are just the vision of one artist.

Call the gallery at 305-891-5577 for more info.

– Omar Sommereyns

News Briefs

Tonight
Emo rocksters Rainer Maria perform at the Polish American Club, 1250 NW 22nd Ave., Miami, a venue reminiscent of your high school dance hall. Mates of State and Saturday Looks Good to Me hit the stage as well. Show starts at 10 p.m. All ages. $8. 305-634-3907.

’70s rock group Lynyrd Skynyrd, who created such hits as “Sweet Home Alabama,” get wild at the Pompano Beach Amphitheatre, 1806 NE 6th St., Pompano Beach. Tix are $40.75-$76.

50 Cent raps at Star Bar, 100 SW 3rd Ave., Ft Lauderdale. Number N/A.

Sarurday, March 8th
Shit gets funky at the Langerado Music Festival: 15 bands (including Medeski, Martin and Wood, moe., G-Love & Special Sauce, MOFRO and the Codetalkers), 11 a.m.-11 p.m. at the Fort Lauderdale Stadium Festival Grounds, 5301 NW 12th Ave., Ft Lauderdale. $32.50 in advance, $40 at the door. 800-594-TIXX.

Feast your eye on art inspired by Western influences on Japanese culture at The Art Lab, 1919 Sunset Harbor Dr., Miami Beach. Pieces by Peter Giovenco, Jaie Hwang, Miguel Paredes and Geisha performance by Elaine Lancaster.7-10 p.m. 305-695-8200.

Poplife hosts a performance by Pencilgrass, a band you’ve heard and seen at UM parties while refilling red cups with piss-water beer. They’re playing in the frontyard at Piccadilly Garden, 35 NE 40th St., Miami. $7. 305-573-8221.

Sunday, March 9th
Get rowdy at Churchill’s, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami, with Dream to Riot, Anesthetic and Painting David’s Face. Cover varies. 305-757-1807.

Saturday, April 5th
Beenie Man, Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder and others spit dancehall rhythms at UM’s Convocation Center, 1245 Walsh Ave. $22.25. 305-284-8686.

Ohio is the Best: Def Jux Rapper Murs answers our question: Head or Tail?

Who’s Murs?

Let’s try this. Ever heard of the Living Legends Crew, the Grouch, Sunspot Jonz or Mystik Journeymen? Ok…well, hmm, I guess if you don’t live in the Bay Area or if you like Power 96 choosing music for you then you’re probably clueless. Murs has been steadily doing his “thing” in and around the Bay Area for the past decade or so. This cat is crazy.

He cut an album with Slug of Atmosphere called Felt – a heartfelt tribute album to Cristina Ricci – and his new LP on Def Jux, The End of the Beginning, brings a keg and Humpty (“come on and do the…”) to El-P’s wonderfully jarring apocalyptic reality.

Never having to rely on MTV cornholios or a big label contract, Murs has spent his time hustling the country non-stop with other members of Living Legends, strugglin’ son! nah mean?! But seriously, Murs is a hard working brother with a plan: to rap for kids from here to Pakistan; even though he never mentioned Pakistan and I have no chance of ever touring non-stop with such gay rhymes.

Murs is currently on the Creative Differences Tour (with the rest of the Living Legends Crew and Mr. Dibbs among others), gearing up for another one with EL-P in Europe and still another for his new album after that, get the picture? For other non-Pakistan related info keeping reading. (For Pakistan related material check out www.pakistan-emabassy.com, reprusent!)

Q: So, have you ever seen Humpty with his nose off?
MRS: Yes.

Q: Can I get a description of the nose?
MRS: The nose under the nose?

Q: I guess.
MRS: There is no nose under the nose…something about a car accident or something like that. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

Q: Fo’ real? (insert smooth wiggah voice for me here)
MRS: But he got a nose job for the video, we just shot it like a month ago.

Q: So rap sucks now, huh?
MRS: Oh no, I disagree.

Q: Well, at least from End of the Beginning I got the idea that anything that’s selling…
MRS: Oh hell no, Jay-Z’s my favorite rapper. No way, if they’re selling I think that’s excellent. I hate more independent hip hop than commercial.

Q: So you’re always on the road, gimme a good story.
MRS: Well, this tour so far I had to choke one kid out in the street for letting him beat the shit out of one bus driver. We’ve been through three bus drivers, we got caught in a blizzard, I lost my cell phone, I vomited two days straight and basically ate nothing. Now I’m not drinking, trying not to fornicate and cutting down on my cigarette intake…

Ok.
The tour started off kinda rough over here, but now the album came out and everything seems to be rolling well – there was a girl last night on the bus that sucked a lot, a lot of dick; wowed everybody and she was a champion for that and we love her. She did it Ohio-style as she said after she finished every one of the jobs. She was proclaimed the best by numerous people on the bus.

Q: The best?
MRS: Ohio has the best head thus far, if anybody would like to compete down in Miami we’ll be there soon.

Q: Have you had to work any other job than rapping?
MRS: I haven’t worked a job because I had to since about ’96, I think in my whole life I’ve had a legitimate job for eight months total, in the last 10 years.

Q: What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever hidden in your beard?
MRS: A cigarette, but I don’t think it was concealed… mostly vaginal juices from my ex-girlfriend.

Q: Smelly all day?
MRS: Yeah that’s one thing about eating a girl out when you have a beard.

I shampoo and condition mine (my red beard).
MRS: That’s good for it.

Q: You play a lot of video games?
MRS: Oh yeah, right now we’re playing NBA Live 2003 cause we’ve got a lot of men on the road, lot of competition. Our bus driver, this 35-year old white dude from Texas, he’s whooping up on a lot of people on the bus.

Q: He probably has good reflexes from being on the road.
MRS: Yeah, good hand-eye coordination.

Q: Do you ever buy those “Tijuana Mama” sausages from gas stations?
MRS: Oh no, Mr. Dibbs eats those, two at every stop we make.

Q: And two packs of Kools huh?
MRS: He smokes and eats sausage like nobody’s business.

Q: Sounds pretty phallic.
MRS: Take it how you want it,

Q: I’m not trying to take anything phallically (but I am trying to make words up like “phallically”)
MRS: Oh please, take it like that.

Q: Please?
MRS: Please.

Q: This is the most ridiculous interview, umm, any shout outs dude? C’mon.
MRS: My whole posse down in Satellite Beach Florida, Tony, Rhymesayers Entertainment, Def Jux and Living Legends; everybody who counts in underground rap music, everybody else sucks. We taught everybody else how to fucking make a living at this game. We are the most successful independent rappers in the game.

Q: So, what you gotta say about Miami, Miami rules right?
MRS: It rules so much ass. We’re coming down there May 23rd or something like that…oh, shout out to my girl Teresa in West Palm Beach, if she sees this in print she might make out with me.

Q: Any more girls you need to make out with?
MRS: No. Just her.

So there you have it, giggles galore with an album in the store. I need to shut up for a minute. For more info check out www.llcrew.com or look for a girl in Ohio with lockjaw.

Sven Barth is on a bus to Ohio (good luck Sven).