Writing an introduction for a Ron Jeremy interview is like writing one for the president; nearly everyone already knows who he is. If you were sheltered as a child, let me get this over with quick: he’s the world’s most famous porn star, ever.

Besides steadily porking his way through decades of skin flicks like Hershe Highway and Coming in America, Mr. Jeremy has kept his clothes on long enough to slip into a few mainstream/cult flicks like Orgasmo (as an evil porn-star) and Detroit Rock City (as an announcer for a strip show).

A recent no-gloss documentary on his life, Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy, not only examines how much endurance this guy has, it also reveals how much his profession demands it. From fending off harsh criticisms from a younger generation of female gyrators, to blurrily hopping on countless flights for movie shoots and parties, Ron is a consummate businessman with trash bags for a briefcase. Oh yeah, and there’s the whole issue of hell.

This is an unprotected Life & Art interview with the legend himself.

Q: So, what’s your favorite microwavable food?
RJ: Oh, this is good. Microwavable food?

Yeah.
RJ: None. Somehow I find that nuking has a flavor all it’s own; I never ever, ever microwave anything. I guess pasta, like certain kinds of ravioli. I’d rather just eat it cold. I’m very big on leftovers. I love to go to a restaurant not eat everything there, and just wrap it up; some of mine, some of yours, whatever the guy next to me is eating…

Q: So, your nickname’s “The Hedgehog,” you play a lot of Sonic the Hedgehog?
RJ: No, but should I sue ’em for taking my name away?

I think you’d look a lot better in a ball spinning around than him.
RJ: Thank you for that. Al Goldstein (publisher of Screw magazine, etc) wants to change my name to “Manatee” because I’m an endangered species. They’re little fat things that float.

Q: Of all the fake boobs in Miami, which ones are the tastiest?
RJ: Your mom’s. Ha, ha, ha.

Woah, look out!
RJ: I couldn’t help that. I actually prefer natural, I’m a big, big, big fan of natural. Big, small, large… they usually tend to be more sensitive. I really wanna talk girls out of doing it; no girls get a boob job once. They get it done two or three more times in the course of five or 10 years and that’s ridiculous because their nipples don’t work as well.

Q: What advice would you give to, well…say me, if I wanted to get started in the porno business?
RJ: You couldn’t. I’m kidding. Who do you spank the monkey to? The girl. We’re props. You call World Modeling in L.A. and you go with a girl. If you go with a girl, you’ll have a job in two weeks, if you go alone, two years.

Q: When you meet guys, many are probably picturing you naked. Is that weird?
RJ: Once in a while, but it’s not that much of a problem. I like when women often make a comment. I don’t get girls wanting just to do me, but I often do get girls wanting just to see it – that happens a lot. And I go, “Well, show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” And they say, “Well, yeah, but I’m not in the business.” And I’ll say, “Yeah, well I clocked out.” Then it becomes very romantic.

Q: You did a song with DJ Polo (Kool G Rap’s DJ in the Cold Chillin’ days) “Freak of the Week.” Wanna drop me a freestyle?
RJ: R-o-n that’s who I be/ For those who can’t spell Ron Jeremy/ Went freaky way before they made ecstasy/ Dennis Haas gave me the extra key/ So I called up Polo and he called G/ Let’s go to the Bunny Ranch one, two, three/Soon as I step up to the door/ Let’s get buck naked do it on the floor/ With a sexy young lady that I adore/ When she’s exhausted I look for more/ Thank you Daddy D now that’s the score/ American and African and two Jamaicans/ If you give it to me girl I’ll be partaken/ Just the Freak of the Week there’s no mistakin’/ See me swinging from a hammock tied to a tree/ Seven hotties with their bodies all over me/ I never meant to be a teenage hunk/ But I made a lot of dough with my tree trunk.

Q: Classic. How does it feel to be one of the few guys alive that can get away with wearing a Hawaiian shirt?
RJ: Robin Williams does that a lot. They imitated me on “Saturday Night Live” and Jon Lovitz was wearing one I thought was great. It’s fun, they’re nice and comfortable; I like to wear sweat pants and Hawaiian shirts. I’m a big fan of comfort, I don’t like to wear tight pants even though it might make the schmenka look better.

Q: That makes sense. (This doesn’t.) Would you ever do a “Porno for Peace” with Linda McCartney?
RJ: Isn’t she dead?

Oh yeah.
RJ: Well, I’m stiff and she’s stiff that would be kinda of interesting. Should I wear a black rubber? Oh, that’s disgusting.

Q: You’ve got a comedy act right?
RJ: I discuss some of the bad things about porn. Can we say dirty words on this?

Don’t worry about it.
RJ: That car cost me 150 anals and two D.P.s. In fact Jenna Jameson had a beautiful fur coat she wore, and these feminist activists are yelling at her, “You know how many animals had to die for that fur?” Please, do you know how many guys she had to blow to get that fur…not bad huh? (Editor’s note: Insert drum roll here.)

Q: Is there anyone that should be in porn that’s not?
RJ: Your mom! Again with the mother!

Q: How about Strom Thurman?
Um yeah, that’d be interesting. I’ve directed a lot of people who are on the fringe of celebrity-hood: John Bobbitt, Divine Brown (the Hugh Grant hooker) called it a Doc-Hugh-Drama, I directed a Miami Dolphin, a big huge black guy, that was called Back Field in Motion, Ice T, Vince Neil, Lemmy from Motor head…

Q: What’s a blooper you can give me that I can publish?
RJ: It’s funny as hell. There was a movie years ago I was helping direct. One of the lights that gets really close sometimes, called the “sun gun” or the “see light” – we were doing one of those up-and-over angles where you go underneath the guys legs, and see him doing the girl you know, straight down? We call it the Australian angle – the guy goes “down-under.” The camera made it underneath the guys legs, shooting the “insertion” close ups, well, the light got too close and we started to smell something. And sure enough they’re burning his ball hairs. He sealed it with a double flip twist into the pool. That was very entertaining.

I’ll bet none of you were ready for that rap, Ron gets busy son! If you still need more Ron (and I know a lot of lonely dorm rooms that do) go next door and borrow a tape.
For more info, visit www.ronjeremy.com.

Girls interested in a summer trip to L.A. can reach Sven at big_sven@hotmail.com.

The Party of Helicopters, hailing from Kent, Ohio, are causing quite a ruckus in the music world. Numerous publications including Alternative Press has included the Party of Helicopters on their annual “bands you need to know in 2003.”

Known for their relentless touring schedule, the band was in town last weekend at Churchill’s with Of Montreal and the Paper Lions. The Helicopters sat down with Life and Art to discuss their hometown, their new album Please Believe It, and, of course, shared tales of vomiting.

Coming from a small college town in Ohio, one would think there’d be a more nourishing local music scene, but the band stresses this is not the case. “There is no scene. (laughter) In Columbus, Ohio it’s really good. There’s a ton of bands there. But as far as Kent goes it’s basically us and one other band. I think it always seems like every music scene is always more enjoyable then your own music scene.”

Like most bands on the brink, not all of the members have traded in the security of day jobs for rock stardom. Corey, the drummer, pays his rent by working at a banquet hall in a hotel where he sets up tables for eight hours a day. “It sucks, but I have the coolest boss,” says Corey. Joe, the front man, who actually manages “a stoner pizza place.” Ryan Brannon, the bassist, was holding down four jobs before this tour, including selling purses at a Coach store, bartending, and working (preferably) as a substitute teacher. Jamie Stillman holds the job that every guy in a band has had, working at a record store.

In spite of numerous comparisons to My Bloody Valentine, Stillman says, “We are a rock band in the simplest terms.” However, the band does admit that they happen to like almost everyone they are compared to. They explain, “We all really like the bands we are compared to but we’re not influenced by them to the point where we’re all just sitting around and listening to the record and saying “Oh, let’s write a song like this!” Each one of us likes a certain style of music more than other ones so we expand into all kinds of music. As individuals I think we have influences, but as a band, we have none.”

Even though Spin Magazine named their Mt. Forever disc as one of the top 20 albums for 2002, they haven’t upgraded to that huge tour bus. “We’re the only band on earth that is driving around in an ’86 Dodge Van! It was depressing today because it’s so hot and it’s so cramped in there. We just have the two captain seats and a bench seat and then a loft in the back with all the equipment underneath. There are six of us, so you’re always touching at least one person, if not two.”

The Party of Helicopters have been touring for years and with touring comes tons of stories and adventures. Among the most abundant and colorful are their vomit stories.

“In New York, I was singing on stage and I started to vomit mid-phrase so I just swallowed it. It’s not that bad,” says Dennis. Ryan offers another tasty story concerning a roadie that was drinking for two days straight. “We were in Atlanta that night, and he was sitting at the bar depressed. Three times he kept trying to order a pint glass filled with vodka. Eventually they gave him a smaller plastic cup filled with vodka. And he stared at it, and then kind of forgot about it. A few minutes later he asked me if I wanted to do a shot with him. So I tell him that he’s got a glass of vodka right in front of him. So he grabs it and starts drinking and drinking it. He drank the whole glass, and it came right back up. It was all over the glass, and the bar. Pure vodka vomit.”

Not to be out done, Jamie delivers a golden oldie. “My favorite vomit story has to be when, a long time ago, five years ago, from when we were touring with our friend’s band Armstrong Secret 9. Their guitar player really didn’t drink too much at the time and he drank an entire bottle of Southern Comfort then spent the night puking at the toilet and yelling that we should let him die like Jimi Hendrix.”

Vomiting aside, the boys’ new album Please Believe It drops on April 8th on Velocette Records. Take it from the ‘Copters, “It’s fucking great. We’re really happy with it. We’ve spent more time on it than any other record before. It’s really more cohesive

No matter what “post-fill-in-the-blank-core” you want to classify them in, it’s no question that these four guys certainly have more stories to tell.

To hear what the Party of Helicopters actually sound like, visit www.velocetterecords.com.

Kira Wisniewski can reached at kira@punks.net.

Time destroys all things. This is the main theme of the French film Irreversible, a blurred mix of grotesque reality and techno craziness. It unfolds in reverse chronological order, Memento-style, but this ends up being the most normal thing about the movie.

The plot of Irreversible centers on the graphic rape of Alex (Monica Bellucci) and branches off into symbolic representations of time, sex, love, and violence. Director Gaspar No

Life & Art is too busy playing with our new GameBoy Advance SP, that Def Jam wrestling game (rap music is past the point of stupidity now), and GameCube’s ridiculous update on The Legend of Zelda, to even open up this copy of MVP Baseball 2003 for the XBOX.
Interested?

Answer this question…

In New York Yankees pitcher David Wells’ ballsy new book, what percentage of players does he estimate, “use the juice?”

If you know the answer, or think that jock on your floor (the one you do homework for, just to get a “what’s up?” when you’re walking with sorority girls) might have a guesstimation, e-mail Hunter at HurricaneAccent@hotmail.com.
Hey nerds, tell your dads to tell Mr. Gates to stop sending us so many sports games. 010101

This is the kind of art that makes nice little landscapes squirm.
“Patty Chang/Tracey Emin/Naomi Fisher/Paul McCarthy is not an exhibition, but more accurately, four parallel projects,” says curator Silvia Karman Cubi

It was 11 a.m. in Bellingham, Washington when I dialed up a Motel 6 to interview the Sahara Hotnights. They had one more hour to crash there, and then they’d be back on the road. Recently, these four vixens from Sweden have been making a splash at various industry music conferences around the country, including the CMJ Marathon in NYC last fall and the recent South By South West in Austin, Texas.

Touring to promote their second album, Jennie Bomb, the Hotnights are looking to hook Americans by the seams of their cigarette-leg jeans with a less-pop-more-punk brand of raw, all-girl rock. Once the language barrier was overcome, I got this band of catchness and catchiness to dish out on their musical past. Sorry guys, there were no skimpy pillow-fights during our conversation, but feel free to dream.

Q: What makes four girls in Sweden start a band? I’ve been there. It’s not that boring.
SAH: You haven’t been to where we’re from. We hung out a lot about 10 years ago and lived close to each other. We had a music school and everyone played an instrument and we just started a band.

Q: So many Swedish bands have been infiltrating the American music scene (the Hives, International Noise Conspiracy) in the past couple of years. Are you hoping to ride on their coattails, or do you think you have something fresh to offer the kids?
SAH: Yeah, I mean, there are a lot of great bands coming out. But I think people can tell if there’s a good band or not and I think the Swedish hype has helped us out a little bit but we also have an original sound. I think that’s why we’ve done so well in America.

Q: I saw you guys at CMJ with the Flaming Sideburns. Rumor was that one of you was dating Pelle from the Hives. Is it true?
SAH: Yes, that’s true. Maria (vocals/guitar) is actually dating him. They’re still together, very happily…

Q: So, with your singer in a relationship with a handsome rock ‘n’ roll star, is it possible to play rock and become moms with a family?
SAH: We try to not think about having families now. I think we’re all on the same page that this is something we want to do now and wait for later to have families. I think it’s too hard to do both. It’s possible, but you have to reach a certain level to be able to both.

Q: What do you say to guys who think that broads can’t rock?
SAH: We don’t say much. We just play, that usually works.

Q: Your first album, C’mon Let’s Pretend, won you two Swedish Grammys. You were all what, 18? How did that feel?
SAH: We just got a very good start with that album in Sweden and it became a success and we didn’t really expect it. It’s a great album and it’s going to be re-released on JetSet here in the States sometime soon. It’s important to know that it’s not a new album. A lot of reviewers have gotten a hold of it and say that it’s new. But its not! It’s very old.

Q: Name three bands or singers that have had the greatest influence on your music.
SAH: Nirvana, PJ Harvey, and old, old Michael Jackson. Like, when we started years ago he was the man.

Q: Some people have called you a tougher, Swedish version of the Donnas. How do you feel about that?
SAH: That’s just laziness comparing us to another girl band. We don’t sound like the Donnas, we love them, but that’s like comparing us to a band that’s much more of a [party band] than we are. I can’t see the comparison. I don’t think we sound like them.

Q: What’s the biggest obstacle you feel your band has to overcome?
SAH: Well, for obvious reasons definitely it’s people comparing us to every girl band out there. We have to play a lot to make people understand that we’re not just like every other girl band. We’re not just some party band. We can’t just go the easy way. It’s going to be a hard job to show people that we’re different. But that’s why we’re on tour promoting our music. I think we convince them once they’ve seen us live.

Q: How can you tell if a guy wants to talk music or just wants to get in your pants?
SAH: You can easily tell if there is a guy who hasn’t seen us. That’s usually the huge difference that gives the dirty ones away. But for a guy who has been watching our shows, we don’t have a problem with guys wanting to get in our pants – if they like our music.

Q: Iggy Pop or David Bowie: Why?
SAH: I would say Iggy Pop, he’s still cool. I saw him last year…he’s good.

Q: Do you want your rock ‘n’ roll mixed up with politics?
SAH: I think the two definitely can go together. I think if you have an opportunity to say something to a lot of people you should if you want to. I mean I totally understand and I like what the Donnas and Datsuns are doing with a non political statement…But I don’t want to say that it should be one way or another. Maria writes a lot of personal lyrics and they can be political or about anything. It’s just a different way of doing it. Neither way is right or wrong.

Q: In 20 years, how do you want the Sahara Hotnights to be remembered?
SAH: Maybe we’ll be together. I think it would be awesome to be the band that inspires a lot of other bands.

For more info, visit www.saharahotnights.com and www.jetsetrecords.com.

Jackie Weisbein can be reached at HurricaneJackie@aol.com.