It never ceases to amaze me how telemarketers have the guts to call a college dorm every Saturday at 9 a.m. I can set my clock to it! Don’t they know that I didn’t go to bed until 4 a.m.? Doing the math, I’m not getting my eight hours of sleep because some woman halfway around the globe is trying to sell me a Visa card.

So here I was, lying awake in my bed with barely five hours of sleep behind me pondering the question,”whatever happened to the national do-not-call list?” I remember signing up for that, including my cell phone number, my home phone number and my dorm phone number. Perhaps the fact that the calls are coming from India circumvents the national in the “national do-not-call list.”

But what used be annoying has turned into a new game. The calls now have gotten to the point where I have begun to have some fun with them, and I encourage everyone to do the same. Using Special Ed’s survey question “Do you know any slow or special people?” (Crank Yankers on Comedy Central, for those totally out of the loop), I actually got one person to say that I was the only “slow or special person” she knew. I can’t imagine she was too happy about it after I had a little discussion with her supervisor about this offense.

Another caller admitted to me that “his company just gave him my number to call but that they had most likely purchased a list of numbers from my University.” Lovely. As if $38,000 a year isn’t enough anymore. Well, come to think of it, we did lose the Homecoming game, so perhaps the alumni are a bit slow to give this year.

I am left to wonder how much my dorm phone number is worth. To find out, I am going to begin handing out phone numbers of University administrators. Perhaps I can even make a little cash on the side by selling those. I think I will start with Financial Aid. I could use a scholarship boost; perhaps a Visa credit card would help them with the money they don’t have. Then I will most likely move on to the vice presidents and the Office of the President. I can’t imagine them not taking any counter-action if they are getting awoken at 9 a.m. on a Saturday by the Visa sharks.

I would love to hear from anyone who has had a great phone conversation with a telemarketer. It would be great to add transcripts of such conversations and tips & tricks to my Campus Brainz webpage for everyone to indulge in.

Felix Boecker can be contacted at f.boecker@umiami.edu.

By now, everyone who’s familiar with the CBS Evening News is well versed in Rathergate. Unfortunately, since CBS regularly finishes a distant third behind NBC’s Nightly News and ABC’s World News Tonight, “everyone” is really nobody when it comes to caring about who Dan Rather’s eventual replacement (or replacements) will be.

So, when CBS chairman Les Moonves spoke publicly for the first time last week about his future plans for the Evening News, one particular possibility stood out as an ideal option: Jon Stewart.

You see, Moonves isn’t only chairman of CBS; he’s co-chair of Viacom, which owns such cable stations as MTV, VH-1 and, you guessed it, Comedy Central. Furthermore, the sharing of talent between Viacom’s channels isn’t uncharted territory: Ben Stein, for example, may best be known for his Comedy Central game show, but thanks to his political know-how (he was, after all, a big part of the Nixon brain trust), he offers financial advice on a weekly basis on CBS’ Sunday Morning.

So the idea of using Stewart, if only as a correspondent, is not entirely out of the question in Moonves’ eyes. But my question is, why doesn’t Moonves take it a step further?

Using negative descriptions of the current evening news format such as “antiquated” to explain “the voice of God” (in referring to a single-anchor serious) format, Moonves pointed to revolutionizing the news to make it “something that younger people can relate to.”

And what better way to make the evening news relevant to America’s youth than by handing the reigns over to Stewart? Rolling Stone recently featured him on its cover as “The Most Trusted Man in News,” The Daily Show rakes in Emmys every twelve months like it’s Christmas, America (the book) is topping bestseller lists nationwide, and the show’s equal opportunity lampooning is a far cry from a fabricated document about W’s military service used to give someone a connection to the Democratic National Committee.

Sure, news purists may sit with mouths agape at this suggestion, but they can always tune in to ABC’s Peter Jennings or NBC’s up-and-comer Brian Williams. For CBS to make any kind of dent in the Nielsen ratings, though, a drastic change is necessary-one that John Roberts or Scott Pelley just cannot provide (does anybody know who John Roberts or Scott Pelley are, anyway?)

The biggest obstacle would be to find a way to get The Daily Show itself to switch from cable to network, but the concept of airing live in the Evening News’ old time-slot and then re-airing on Comedy Central at 11 p.m. isn’t entirely out of the question.

Of course, a humor format may seem like a giant step backwards, but if you know anyone who doesn’t like a good laugh at the end of the day, well, that’s news to me.

Ben Minkus can be contacted at b.minkus@umiami.edu.

Well, America, you got what you wanted: another four years of Bush in the White House. I hope you’re happy-I really do hope you’re happy, as you’re the only ones who can possibly be happy with his victory .

However, I’m not happy, and most of the rest of the world isn’t either, because if the previous four years are any indication, the next four will be downright catastrophic-and I bet the red states won’t even be aware of it.

America has become the modern Rome, and although many people (particularly in the red states) might view this as a good thing, they fail to remember the things that made the Roman Empire fall. They are frighteningly applicable to America in this day and age.

For instance, we feel the need to “spread democracy” to the Middle East, which we see as inferior because it just happens to worship a different deity. Just like the Romans felt the need to spread the ideals of “civilization” to the barbarian tribes in Germania and Britain, and of course the Judean insurgents-just look how that turned out.

And don’t forget that Rome worked quite well as a representative democracy-which soon degenerated into a totalitarian state. People came to resent this, which gave an opening for barbarian tribes to completely sack Rome several times

The Roman Empire also possessed a society just as functional and complex as ours (hell, they had barber shops and public restrooms). Most importantly, they thought they were invincible, which made them overstretch their capabilities. This put a strain on the empire, leading to their complete collapse as an organized society. Western civilization would take centuries to recover.

See any similarities between Rome and the Bush administration? They both claimed to be spreading “democracy/civilization,” deviated from the system of government they’re supposed to follow, and were attacked by a certain enemy (Hannibal/Bin Laden) which they’ve held in much contempt (Hannibal/Saddam Hussein) who they thought would never be able to touch them (Hannibal/Hussein/Bin Laden/).

The only difference is that the public actually elected a leader that will lead them to certain doom, despite historical warnings to act to the contrary. All I can say to the American people is that we dangerously mirror Rome in it final days, and once we overstretch ourselves, then, well, let’s just say the Dark Ages weren’t a lot of fun.

Jay Rooney can be contacted at j.rooney@umiami.edu.

This weekend residents of Palm Beach were treated to a spectacle that the Palm Beach Post called “the wedding of the century.” Guests flocked from all over the world to attend the third, yes third, wedding of billionaire Donald Trump as he wed Slovenian supermodel Melania Knauss.

And it was just last week when the political heavyweights, and those who pay to be their friends, were treated to the pomp and circumstance known as the presidential inauguration.

While weddings are a once-in-a-lifetime event (in this case, three times), and the inauguration of a president is an historical moment, it’s hard to overlook the amount of money spent on these events. Beyond giving money to help the victims of the tsunami, consider all of the people going hungry and the other orphaned children throughout the world. According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, it would cost $5.2 billion a year to end world hunger. While that may sound like a lot, if one considers all of the corporate donations that go to lobbyists and to attend swank events, or even to buy real estate or other material goods, it doesn’t seem as much. Just consider some of the extravagant costs associated with the Trump wedding.

The now-famous Dior wedding dress that graced the cover of Vogue magazine reportedly cost $200,000. It took 28 seamstresses over 1,000 hours to make, and weighed more than 50 pounds. The bride also wore her 13-carat $1.5 million engagement ring. The reception took place in a $42 million ballroom. The guests sipped Cristal Champagne, costing over $300 a bottle. They dined on steamed shrimp salad, beef tenderloin and their very own individual Grand Marnier chocolate truffle cakes. The additional seven-tier wedding cake was 32 inches in diameter and weighed over 200 pounds. It makes you wonder how many starving people could be fed with a 200-pound cake.

While Trump did encourage his guests to donate to tsunami relief instead of purchasing gifts, the couple registered at several places, including Tiffany & Co. It seems that if they really wanted to encourage people to donate to a worthy cause, registering for gifts is hypocritical. After all, who wants to be the one to show up without a gift if everyone else is bringing one?

In fact, according to the Palm Beach Post, the couple registered for $54,8000 in gifts at Tiffany. They asked for a $390 salad-serving fork and, of course, a $4,000 silver coffee pot that is apparently a necessity in every billionaire’s home.

While the gifts that the Trumps asked for may seem outlandish, they are nothing compared to the $40 million that President Bush and his administration spent on the 2005 inauguration. The spending easily outnumbered President Clinton’s $33 million 1993 inauguration, when after 12 years the Democrats returned to the White House. Granted, most of the money came from wealthy contributors and corporations; however, this money could have been donated to the Red Cross or another relief organization in honor of the President (what a good p.r. move that would have been for the country). It also helped the economy, as all of the guests had to have something to eat, something to wear and somewhere to sleep. This economic stimulation, however, may not outweigh the burdens of inaugural costs put on the surrounding areas. In fact, the District of Columbia, not the federal government or any corporate donor, had to incur a reported $12 million in expenses for the inaugural events. Among the reported costs were nearly $3 million to build bleachers to view Bush taking the Oath of Office and $43,260 to makes special license tags that limited access.

The extravagant “Trumptials,” as they have been affectionately called, also helped the economy. Just one boutique in Palm Beach sold over 40 dresses costing between $4,000 and $26,000 to wedding guests. The same goes for the inauguration. Think of the designers like Carolina Herrera, Oscar de la Renta and Badgley Mischka that reportedly dressed the First Lady and the Bush twins for the countless ceremonies and balls. They would probably be out of work if it weren’t for the numerous balls held through out D.C.

Instead of donating to the victims of the tsunami, or to any other poverty or hunger stricken-nation, for a mere $250,000 donation to the Presidential Inaugural Committee, you could get a seat at a candlelight dinner attended by the president. That’s right, you and the Bushes at a nice and romantic candlelight dinner. Exciting enough to make you forget about starving orphans, right?