For this year’s Family Weekend moms and dads flocked to campus, frats and any club their daughters have a promoter to. I’m sure everyone saw Red Cup’s coverage or any frat risk managers snap story to see what hijinx our favorite tuition payers got up to this weekend.
However, a less known struggle of Family Weekend is the fear of your parents running into your “someone special” or maybe not so special.
It’s one thing when you spot a sneaky link while out with your friends. You secretly point, squeal, make a face and go about your night. That’s because your friends know all the lore.
Unless you want to describe the emotional and psychological intricacies of a situationship to your parents, here are some ways you can explain the complexities of a college dating history to your parents.
Use words they know
Hookup, link, ‘fwb’ — your parents have no clue what those words mean. Sometimes you have to take a step back and realize that you can’t just tell your mom that pledge captain is a bop and move right along.
The terms ‘talking stage,’ ‘going steady’ and ‘booty call’ are all things your parents should be familiar with, even one night stands — the demure cousin of a Tinder hookup. Just think back to all the episodes of “That ’70s Show” you watched on Nick at Nite and build up your lexicon.
Names not nicknames
It’s common in a friend group to refer to members of the roster as anything but their name. The nickname can stem from a sloppy dorm, a sloppy kiss or some sloppy top. But, having to explain what earned someone their title can spiral into a story unfit for the dinner table.
Bring out that class registrar and floor GroupMe, because it’s real names only. Tiny Tim will have to go by Cole when you’re talking to the rents.
Water it down
Keeping your parents in the loop about who you’re talking to is great, but the same recap you tell your friends might sound clinically insane to your parents. Let’s skip the Instagram stalk, star chart analysis and psychoanalyzation and stick to the basics.
Just be normal for once.
For example,“I think about him every waking second of every day” becomes “yeah, I like them a little.” And, “when we stopped talking I entered a 5-day rot where I didn’t leave my dorm” becomes “we stopped talking, it sucked, but whatever.”
“Oh, I had a class with them once.”
A perfect sentence to easily brush off lingering suspicion. Sure, you might know their last name, home address and what posters they have above their bed — but this line writes them off as a neutral acquaintance.
Never let them know your next move
There is nothing more embarrassing than telling your parents about someone you’re talking to because you believe it might go somewhere, only to have to explain it’s over at Thanksgiving dinner.
A word to the wise, unless you are actively dating, keep it on the down low.
And of course, most of these awkward conversations can be avoided if they think you’re practically celibate. Sure, it might seem like you have no game when you go back home, but it’s definitely better than being the family whore.