Dear FSU, a Miami rejection letter

Happy homecoming! I’m sure you’ve been made abundantly aware that our neighbors to the north, Florida State University, will be on our turf for a football rivalry game as old as time. No matter the outcome of Saturday’s game, we can all rest assured that we, our proud community of ‘Canes, have won the best prize of them all; Unlike the thousands of safety-school-Seminols of Talla-nasty, we got into the U. If I had the pleasure of writing one of the many rejection letters addressed to a now FSU student, it would go a little something like this:

Dear Florida State University,

We would like to thank you for taking the time to apply to the University of Miami in sunny Coral Gables. We had an exceptional pool of applicants this cycle (had it been a literal cesspool, you’d have been an exceptional applicant) and we were very critical in our decision making (maybe had you done the same with your one-night stands, your crotch would itch a little less). With that being said, we regret (lol, not even a little) to inform you that we are unable to offer you a seat in our incoming class.

We found your application (though written with purple Crayon) to be very engaging. Specifically, your personal statement on “the time you won the big game.” Your letter of recommendation from your primary care physician, Dr. Gonearia was beautiful. Their anecdote about your perseverance over both chlamydia and not one but two of the heps was truly astounding. In the words of Dr. Gonearia, you really stayed (and probably still are) “positive.”

Despite these many shocking accomplishments, we simply cannot accept a kindergarten certificate of completion in place of a high school diploma or GRE (if this certificate were awarded by at least one of your previously mentioned one-night stands then maybe we could overlook this, but that is simply not the case no matter how convincing her moans … Side note: the “chop” simply isn’t doing it for her).

Thank you again for your interest in the University of Miami and we wish you the best in your future endeavors. Go ‘Canes!


University of Miami Admissions Team

V’s Take is the Hurricane’s most controversial and longest-running column. It is a satirical work published bi-weekly by students and for students. Using our generation’s colorful language to address all things sex, love and gossip on campus, V is not for the politically correct or easily offended.