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Abduction cases only covered for rich, white children

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(U-WIRE) MORGANTOWN, W.Va. – Anyone who has watched CNN, MSNBC, Fox News or C-SPAN lately knows about little Elizabeth Smart, a girl who was kidnapped. It is a tragic story. One that most likely will not have a happy ending.

And even though the story is newsworthy, the amount of coverage it has received is insane.

It is all over the news, every day. This little girl has gotten just as much coverage as the Jon Benet Ramsey case, if not more.

Why has this story has gotten so much coverage?

One simple reason: money.

Ever notice how all the cases of kidnapping and murders of children seem to be involving an upper-class white family? Ever notice the size of the house in the background and the make of the car? The neighborhood they live in?

We know about all the young, white girls who are being kidnapped left and right, but what about the others?

These situations are definitely serious, but it’s ironic that the only ones who get air time are the ones with money.

Ok, I should know better. I should know that this is the world we have come to live in. This is the kind of thing Americans have just accepted over the years: if you have money, you get stuff done. Well, that is completely asinine. It’s absurd that the coverage of such a huge issue is not done fairly and equally. Do you think white girls are the only ones being murdered and kidnapped in the entire United States?

So what about the others? When is it their turn? When will their families get to be on national television talking about how their little girl or boy was taken out of their home?

As a journalist, I am sickened by the news I see every night. It disgusts me watching Ashley Banfield talk to the entire family of this girl, ever day. Let me say that again, EVERY DAY. She has spoken with aunts, neighbors, uncles, cousins, parents, the babysitter —- you name it, she has interviewed it. I am surprised she has not had the family dog on the show crying because he misses his owner.

Journalism is about reporting the news to others. It is about informing America about ALL the problems in the world, not just the ones with money behind them. I would love to turn on the television and see a lower class, ethnic child getting air time, actually getting coverage on national television. Wouldn’t that be insane: newscasters actually reporting all the news on all the people? Newcasters actually doing their job the right way. I am not going to get to excited about the idea, because I know it will never happen. Nothing ever changes in this country, and money will always make the world go round.

UM loses to FSU, UF

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Well what do you know?

Those who inhabit The Swamp in Gainesville have finally found a way to beat UM in the rankings.

As any good Miami fan will recall, the Gators finished last football season looking up at the National Champion Hurricanes in the rankings. And when the pre-season rankings were released, the Gators were once again cramming their necks to get a glimpse of the ‘Canes.

We would hope they would be used to it by now.

But all is not lost for the Spurrierless Swamp Things. They are sitting pretty as the No. 5 party school in the nation, according to the annual Princeton Review survey.

It’s important to note, UM doesn’t even earn a mention in the survey.

UF finished right behind Indiana University, Clemson, the University of Alabama Tuscaloosa, and Pennsylvania State in the party rankings. The party school designations are based on student reports on alcohol and marijuana use, the amount of time spent studying outside of class and the popularity of fraternities and sororities on campus.

But all this shouldn’t come as any great surprise to those who have had to trudge through Gainesville. Just one brief visit will quickly convince you that Gators are definitely party animals. And they’re proud of it. Now they can be proud of the fact they finally beat Miami at something.

Quite honestly, we’re delighted to concede them the victory. They beat us fair and square. UM’s academic standing continues to soar like our football rankings. And we’re happy to claim our victories in the classroom and out on the field.

But we should caution our friends at FSU not to be too cocky.

While the Seminoles continue to get whiplash looking up at UM in the football polls, they join The Gators in the Top Ten party schools in the nation.

While FSU finished four spots behind UF, the Seminoles need to remember they can always dream about next year.

After all, that’s what their football team does after every season.

Avoiding mediocrity: enthusiastic students

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With the dawn of a new semester upon us, the Miami Hurricane would like to pose a challenge to all students to get off the sidelines and embrace all of the resources this University has to offer. It makes no sense if you’re spending a hefty ransom on tuition, but ignoring some of the best opportunities here.

For all of you journalism majors out there who still have no idea where the Hurricane office is, shame on you. A university newspaper of this size should be turning writers away, but instead we have just a small handful of devoted students who are clever enough to realize how crucial hands-on newspaper experience is to their future careers.

Sure it’s easy to be lazy and coast through school…but being satisfied with mediocrity will only keep you from discovering what you want to do with the rest of your life. But if that’s what you intend to do why spend $30 grand a year…why not fork over a few hundred bucks to a community college?

Your experience here is about what you put into it…just showing up for class is not enough. We are going to strive to make the Hurricane great…but a school’s newspaper is only as great as its students. With such a large student body, most of us will never meet face to face. Our newspaper will hopefully be a central meeting place where we can all come together and exchange ideas. We’d like the Opinion section to be a peaceful battleground for students to engage in debates…a place where conservatives, liberals, anarchists, and everyone in between can have their voices heard.

We’re sure we’ll all have a million excuses not to write this semester…but it’s just as easy to come up with the same amount of good reasons to write. And just think of the pride you’ll feel when you’re 80 years old and you have the musty yellowed pages of your old Hurricanes to show your grandchildren how feisty you once were.

Miami vs FAMU 7:00PM Saturday

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UM
Quarterbacks: Ken Dorsey will be out to prove that he is among the nation’s elite quarterbacks. He will prove last season’s success was not only due to his outstanding O-line.
Running Backs: Willis McGahee has impressed the coaching staff in practice and is ready to make a good impression to help ease the loss of Clinton Portis to the NFL. Converted wide receiver Jason Geathers has explosive speed backing up McGahee.

Wide Receivers: Andre Johnson will have no trouble stretching the field against the FAMU secondary. Kevin Beard and Ethenic Sands return from last year’s unit, while newcomer Roscoe Parrish will impress.
Offensive Line: There has been a lot of focus on Miami’s O-line. The ‘Canes will have three new starters along with seniors Brett Romberg and Sherko Haji-Rasouli. The unit is clearly not as good as last year, but will still dominate their opponents.
Defensive Line: Miami may have the deepest unit in the nation, but will be slowed down early due to the injured Andrew Williams and Jerome McDougle. William Joseph and Matt Walters return at the tackles, while Jamal Green and Cornelius Green will start at the ends.
Linebackers: Middle linebacker Jonathan Vilma is primed for a breakout season after making his name noticed in the 2001 Rose Bowl run. Weakside linebacker D.J. Williams is also ready to have a monster season, with Howard Clark starting on the strong side.
Secondary: The biggest question mark on the Miami team will be tested early against a FAMU team that loves to throw the ball. Sophomore strong safety Sean Taylor has impressed the coaching staff with his ability to hit often and hard.
Special Teams: UM punter Freddie Capshaw is on the 2002 Ray Guy Award watch list as a candidate for the top collegiate punter of the year. Placekicker Todd Sievers has become almost automatic.

FAMU
Quarterbacks: Four-year starter Brock Nutter leads a spread out offense that loves to go downfield. Nutter has not faced a secondary even close to the caliber of the Canes.
Running Backs: The FAMU rushing attack will struggle mightily against the ferocious UM front seven. The Ratlers top returning rusher is junior Edward Baker who rushed for only 100 yards on eight carries in 2001.

Wide Receiver: FAMU will run four and five receiver sets led by seniors Marco Junious (33 receptions and three TDs in 2001) and Charlie Allen (46 receptions and two TDs). However, the spread out offense will struggle if the Ratlers fail to rush the ball effectively.
Offensive Line: The O-line is a big concern for FAMU, as they return only three players who saw extensive playing time last season. Will have a lot in store for them facing the UM D-line.

Defensive Line: FAMU has a good set of ends in junior Sean Kelly (13 sacks last season) and sophomore Jeff Green. The tackles may be too undersized to get enough push against the UM front.

Linebackers:The strongest unit on the Ratlers squad. Senior Alex Fortson, who recorded 58 tackles and seven sacks in 2001, will be all over the field.

Secondary: An experienced unit led by junior safety Levy Brown (team-high 98 tackles in 2001) and junior cornerback and Miami native Shedrick Copeland. Ratlers’ secondary has never faced as potent of a passing attack as Miami.

Special Teams: Levy Brown will return kicks and punts. Junior placekicker Juan Vasquez was only three-of-11 in field goal attempts in 2001.

‘Hurricane’ changes, plans aim to please students

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The Miami Hurricane is making its debut as a tabloid paper this year.

Since a broadsheet can be difficult to read while walking on campus, the staff hopes that the versatility of the tabloid size will be more reader friendly. In other words, one can read and take a tabloid paper everywhere.

“This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. A college paper should be a tabloid,” said Editor-in-Chief Jordan Rodack.

In addition to the size there will also be some other major changes.

The Opinion section will be expanded to two pages allowing for staff editorials as well as more campus opinions.

As far as the front page goes, “We’re hoping to make it as attractive as possible,” said Rodack. “In the past the paper has been very gray. We plan to improve this year by putting as much art and color on both the front and back pages. The back page will now be the sports section.

“In essence, it will be our second front page because it will have the same look and feel. Hopefully [this] will draw more people into the paper also.”

The Style section will broaden its focus according to Rodack. Instead of concentrating strictly on entertainment, it will include articles about UM and Miami culture, and everything in between.

Other tidbits Rodack mentioned for this year include a special section made for the entertainment and enjoyment of the readers. This section will feature crossword puzzles, cartoon strips and perhaps an advice column and horoscopes.

“When a person thinks of a tabloid the National Enquirer may come to mind; however, a tabloid is just a change in size,” Rodack said of the change. “We don’t intend to sensationalize our stories.”

Although the change to tabloid style will not mean sensationalized stories, the paper will be different on the inside as well as the outside.

“We’re not only trying to change what the paper looks like; we want to become the best paper we can be and that means getting the best staff possible,” said Rodack. “We intend to cut down on errors and give our readers the most accurate and up to date coverage of UM.”

Rodack said the changes are an evolving process which will probably take some time to complete.

“This is not the end,” Rodack said. “This is just the beginning of what the Hurricane plans to change in the upcoming years. In the future we hope to publish a paper five days a week.”

Greeks make their mark on campus life

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While Miami is renowned for its Hispanic culture, there stands a perimeter of fraternity houses and sorority suites that surround the University of Miami campus, revealing an abundance of “Greek” life as well.

For many students, especially incoming freshman who have yet to discover the ins and outs of Miami, going Greek or at least rushing could prove to be an experience well worth their time.

Vice President of Recruitment Mike Johnston agrees. “Rushing is a great option. It’s a chance to break free of the pre-structured environment that high school often imposes on students and discover what’s available through UM’s Greek societies.”

Many believe that rushing can also be a smart undertaking. Students who rush get the opportunity to sample the social atmosphere of Greek life before making any serious commitments to it.

It also provides students with the opportunity to learn about each individual organization and the charities and events they represent.

“By going Greek, or at least rushing,” Johnson says, “you can basically plug yourself into a whole new life on campus.”

In many respects, this is very true.

Members of a Greek organization hold approximately 85 percent of the leadership positions on campus.

They plan, organize, and fashion the majority of on-campus events throughout the school year, as well as provide an easy-to-access social scene to counter UM’s academic life.

The breakdown of the Greek Recruitment is quite simple.

Fraternity Rush is the first and most informal stage of the process. It’s an obligation-free chance to visit and learn about Greek-society.

September 3rd will kick off the housing tour in which the fraternity houses and sorority suites throughout the campus will be open to visit and explore.

Each fraternity will answer any questions students may have about Greek life and give them a general idea of what to expect if you are to actually join.

After the meet and greet sessions are over, “Smokers” or specified-invite-only events take place.

During this period, participants meet each other on a more individual basis and try to get a feel for the individual organizations. Essentially, it’s the students’ chance to try on each fraternity or sorority and see which one fits best. These last about an hour and will be held on Sept. 9, 10 and 12.

Finally, on Sept. 13, each Greek organization will make a formal invitation to their candidates of choice in what is known as “bid day.” Those who choose to make it this far now have the choice as to whether or not Greek life is an endeavor worth taking.

“Greek life has given me a lot of experiences in life that I never would have had,” said Dave Hurley of Sigma Phi Epsilon. “Like any organization with a selective membership, there will be ups and downs, but through my personal experience I’ve made some really good friends.”

According to Johnston, the turnout of incoming “rushers” exceeded their expectations, signaling a growing membership in UM’s Greek life.

Recruitment is currently under way in the breezeway and will continue for the next few weeks.

Smaller projects cause greater benefits for students

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Michael Johnston wants to bring the kids back to campus.

That theme encompasses all of Johnston’s goals as the University of Miami’s Student Government President for this school year.

“We want to focus on smaller projects that more directly benefit the students and bring the campus together by accommodating their needs,” said Johnston of Student Government’s plans this fall.

The Student Government will execute these plans to unite the campus by forming a close working relationship with both the University’s student organizations and the administration.

“President Shalala’s leadership style is very proactive; she wants to make things happen right away,” Johnston said of working with the University’s new President. “I’m the same way – I want to get things done, and we have.”

During the summer, Student Government accomplished several goals that will immediately impact students.

Resident students will notice that Student Government, in cooperation with the Department of Residence Halls and the Dining Services administrations, placed two ice machines in each of the residence halls.

The University convenience store is now open 24 hours to promote safety for students who previously would have had to walk to Circle K in the middle of the night.

Commuters and all students now have more options than just Sbarro for dinner after class. Jamba Juice and Burger King will operate until 9 p.m. as a result of Student Government’s efforts.

Students in the Cox and Ungar buildings can find a snack between classes at the new food cart that Student Government placed in front of the Cox Science Center.

The placement of two televisions in each residence hall cafeteria will provide students another gathering place to watch Hurricanes sports.

Johnston said he and the other Executive Officers, Vice President Justin Levine and Treasurer Mahala Dar, have completed all but one goal touted on their campaign platform: “We just need to work on getting better cable channels like Comedy Central and ESPN2 in the dorms.”

While increasing cable television options for residents was an issue on his platform that he still plans to address, Johnston said his biggest concern for the future is improving the classroom environment.

“When you need to take an open-book physics exam and you have your test, your textbook, your notes, your calculator and your Scantron card all on that tiny desk you end up wasting time trying to find each thing instead of actually taking the test,” said Johnston of the desks in the auditorium-style classrooms of the Whitten Learning Center.

He said he wants to improve the desk space in that building as well as make larger, more comfortable desks and chairs for students in other facilities such as the Memorial building.

Other goals Student Government wants to achieve this fall include extended hours for the library as well as adding a Macintosh computer lab to the library for photography students.

Johnston also mentioned expanding Greek life on campus and attending to commuters’ needs to further encourage campus unity.

Johnston said he encourages all students to feel free to contact him and the other Student Government officers at the Student Government office in University Center 214 or call (305) 284-3082 if they have any concerns or needs.

“We’re all students, too. We’re here for everyone,” he said.

Parking woes to diminish as semester starts

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UM has finally decided to alleviate one of its most notorious problems – parking.

After two years of planning and negotiating, the Parking Management Plan is finally in action, and the results are showing: more parking spaces and less parking hassles.

“[When it’s done,] it’s going to be the biggest parking change in the history of the University,” Associate Vice President of Business Services Alan Fish said. “This is tremendous, the biggest thing ever in parking.”

“We are dramatically changing the landscape of parking here at the University of Miami for the better,” said Charles McConnell, Director of Parking and Transportation Services.

The Pavia Garage, opposite the Daystar Health Center and adjacent to the UC, boasting 561 spaces, and the new Liguria, Red Road North and Red Road South perimeter lots are all now open.

The Ponce Garage, soon to open with 1,052 spaces, is still under construction in order to finish the two-floor expansion.

According to McConell, however, the Ponce garage’s first floor will be opened in the next seven to ten days, while the existing spaces above will be opened in September.

Both garages offer 24-hour security, emergency blue light phones and shelter from the weather.

“This semester will probably be hectic. They may have built more parking but they are still behind,” Luis Midence, a graduate student, said.

The University is currently leasing 200 spaces across the street from the Ponce Parking Garage in Miami public lots 42 and 43 to temporarily soften the demand.

Campus Calendar

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Elections for Student Government are just around the corner. Campaign to become a Senator and help improve life at UM for all undergraduate students. Elections are September 23rd-September 25. Mark your calendars and VOTE! To find out more about Student Government, available offices, and the election process, visit www.miami.edu/student-activities and click on Elections Commission.

AUGUST 30
Smokin’ Pitt at 11:30 a.m. in the UC Patio

“Happy Hour & Belly Bust” comedy show at 4:30 p.m. in the Rathskeller

AUGUST 31

The annual Freshmen Tailgate, sponsored by Athletics, takes place before the start of the first football game, UM vs. FAMU. For free food, drinks, prizes and a chance to go on the field before the game, meet Category 5 on the UC Rock August 31 at 3:30 pm. Any students, faculty or fans interested in helping with this event or before the home football games should email umathletics@hotmail.com. Transportation is provided to and from all home games. For information on Athletics visit www.hurricanesports.com.

Rattler Round-Up After-Party at 10 p.m. in the Rathskeller

SEPTEMBER 3

Yearbooks will be distributed tuesday morning adjacent to the Stanford Circle.

Optional SAFAC Budget Workshop for club treasurers at 3 p.m. in UC 245

If you have a voice with a rock edge and no shame, then Quantum Entertainment is looking for you. Come audition for the Rocky Horror Picture Show any time from 5 – 10 p.m. at the UC 2nd floor on Sept. 3, 4 or 6.

Scorpion King is showing at the Cosford Cinema at 8 & 10 p.m.

SEPTEMBER 4

Optional SAFAC Budget Workshop for club treasurers at 1 p.m. in UC 245

Optional SAFAC Budget Workshop for club treasurers at 3 p.m. in UC 245

If you have a voice with a rock edge and no shame, then Quantum Entertainment is looking for you. Come audition for the Rocky Horror Picture Show any time from 5 – 10 p.m. at the UC 2nd floor on Sept. 4 or 6.

SEPTEMBER 5

Optional SAFAC Budget Workshop for club treasurers at 11 a.m. in UC 245

SEPTEMBER 6

Ferris Wheel Junkies on UC Patio at 11:30 a.m

Optional SAFAC Budget Workshop for club treasurers at 12 p.m. in UC 245

Applications for COSO and SAFAC membership due at 5 p.m. in the STIC

Optional SAFAC Budget Workshop for club treasurers at 3 p.m. in UC 245

If you have a voice with a rock edge and no shame, then Quantum Entertainment is looking for you. Come audition for the Rocky Horror Picture Show any time from 5 – 10 p.m. at the UC 2nd floor on Sept. 6.

SEPTEMBER 7

Tailgate at 4 p.m. in the Rathskeller

SEPTEMBER 10

Starting today at 12 p.m., ‘Cane Cards will no longer be issued at the Registrar’s Office. Students must go to room 110 Ballen Hall at the School of Continuing Studies to obtain ‘Cane Cards. Hours of operation will be Monday to Friday from 8:30 a.m. – 5 p.m.

SEPTEMBER 15 –
OCTOBER 15

The Hispanic Heritage Month Committee and the Department of Multicultural Student Affairs is pleased to bring you National Hispanic Heritage Month. As part of the celebration, we have planned a month-long calendar that promises to have something for everyone. Join the University of Miami community in recognizing and exploring Hispanic culture and achievements. Opening Ceremonies are on Monday, Sept. 16 at noon on the University Center Patio. All events are free to the University of Miami community. Hope to see you there! For more information visit www.miami.edu/msa.

SEPTEMBER 16 – 19

Senior portraits will be taken starting September 16. Sign up at www.McGrathStudios.com. The password to register is Ibis. A sitting fee of $15 dollars will be charged.

Getting to know U

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Armed with the latest clothing, sandals, sunglasses, and backpacks, the class of 2006 took over the dorms, kissed their parents goodbye, and were treated to a really exciting fall orientation program called, “All Roads Lead to U!”

Incoming freshmen along with transfer students went through the program with the guidance of more than 150 student volunteers.

The goal: to introduce new students to opportunities at UM, give them a chance to meet new friends, and help get their year started off right.

Almost everyone showed up for entertainment and a chance to socialize at the program’s biggest events like the Cane Kick Off, the Greek Life Barbeque, and a picnic at President Donna Shalala’s house.

Everything went smoothly and students got to learn about the benefits of campus involvement, according to orientation coordinator Javier Del Rio.

“I’ve been getting compliments from parents and students about how well things have been running.” Del Rio said.

SATURDAY

If you were around the campus green on Saturday and saw a couple thousand people singing a strange song, popping balloons, and doing the Rocky Horror Picture Show’s Time Warp, then you were witness to a series of icebreakers led by a motivational speaker during the Cane Kick Off.

Incoming students were assigned to one of ninety groups with a volunteer orientation assistant. The small groups gave students the opportunity to make new friends.

Orientation coordinator Gina Yacone was busy making sure that students knew exactly what they were supposed to do.

“When they first get here they’re a little shy and don’t know exactly what to expect. By the end of orientation they’re excited,” Yacone said.

SUNDAY

From Sunday morning until the afternoon, incoming students went through several interest sessions.

One of the most popular ones, “We all Bleed Orange and Green,” was created to teach UM traditions— like why we’re called the ‘Canes and what our colors signify.

“That was my favorite; it was a lot of fun,” said Lesley Fisher, a freshman from Shrewsbury, Massachusetts.

Later that evening, Greek organizations sponsored a barbeque on the UC Green. The barbeque included music from WVUM-FM and a hysterical performance by a hypnotist.

More than 2,000 students spent a few hours mingling on the lawn obtaining information about joining fraternities and sororities while eating free hotdogs and hamburgers served by organization members.

“We’re trying to expose the new students to Greek life and help them meet new people,” said sophomore David Bradbury from Alpha Epsilon Pi.

Once it started getting dark, nationally recognized hypnotist Thomas Bresadola from New York took the stage.

At first students didn’t know what to expect and some in the back of the crowd could be heard socializing. That changed quickly; fifteen minutes into the show you could hear a pin drop. The entire audience was mesmerized – completely silent – watching twenty of their fellow classmates plunge into a deep hypnotic state.

The audience broke out into laughter when one student was made to believe his shoe was on fire and another was convinced his name was Tinkerbell.

Bresadola hypnotized freshman Chris Zavatsky, making him dance on command for thirty minutes after the show if anyone asked him to.

“I am the king of Salsa,” said Zavatsky, who was dancing in the middle of a small crowd that formed a circle around him while he was slowly coming out of a hypnotic state.

Bresadola talked to intrigued students for awhile after the show. “You’ve got a great school here and it’s an excellent atmosphere to study, you’re all really lucky,” he said.

MONDAY

On Monday more than 1,500 students gathered on President Shalala’s lawn for a picnic that included free food, games, and music.

“This is really personal and shows that she cares,” said freshman Erin Farmer from New Jersey.

Students were transported in six large tour busses from the campus to Shalala’s Coral Gables home. Once students arrived, President Shalala was waiting in her driveway to welcome each student individually.

Continuing down her driveway towards the back yard, UM Cheerleaders and the color guard could be heard chanting, “There’s some ‘Canes over here!”

In her back yard, students were delighted to find a variety of food including philly cheese steaks, cheese fries, Tex Mex, beans and rice, jambalaya, and ice cream for dessert. After eating, some students played volleyball, football, or soccer on the lawn, while others danced to the music of Miami band Libido.

Lead singer Cristina Morris captured everyone’s attention and got people to dance while she sang popular R&B songs.

“It’s great to play for the new students, they’re so appreciative,” Morris said.

Freshman George Lewis from Andover, Massachusetts shocked the crowd when he stripped down to his boxer shorts and dove in the President’s pool.

“I had a blast, Orientation was great and this party is rocking,” Lewis said,

Anna Nicole’s absurd stupidity is pitiful but entertaining

(U-WIRE) ARLINGTON, Texas – In the fall of 1990, the brave television executives at ABC debuted “Cop Rock,” a musical police drama done in an opera-like format where characters sang rather than talked to each other. For some unknown reason, the concept of caroling cops and criminals didn’t catch on. The show quickly incurred wrath among television critics and was dubbed the worst television show ever to pollute the airwaves.

“Cop Rock” strongly held that title until Aug. 4, the day the reality sitcom “The Anna Nicole Show” premiered on the E! Entertainment Television Network. In one night, the show replaced “Cop Rock.” Many critics now consider Anna’s show the most painful boil on the butt of television history.

For those unfamiliar with “The Anna Nicole Show,” its basic premise is to follow the former Playboy Playmate/current oil-billionaire widow around with cameras. While filmed, she stumbles through her daily life in what seems to be a pharmaceutically induced stupor wearing entirely too-tight jeans and way too much makeup.

On some small level, E! TV’s exploitation of Anna Nicole pains me. At the height of her popularity, she was a bona fide celebrity and had a serious fan following. Most adolescent heterosexual males at the time probably believed that having impure thoughts about Anna Nicole was a prerequisite for entering manhood. Her 1993 Playboy “Playmate of the Year” photo spread could best be described as “optical Viagra.” But, unfortunately for Anna Nicole, that was about 10 years and 120 pounds ago. Those who’ve seen any part of the first four episodes quickly learn that there is a fine line between celebrity and sideshow circus freak.

It is apparent that she still has the same beautiful face but has gone from being a Playboy diva to a shallow, self-absorbed oblivious individual who probably thinks a “suicide bomber” is that new drink served down on Hollywood Boulevard.

To be perfectly fair, Anna Nicole is not committing this crime against television by herself. Her accomplices on the show include people with personality quirks so profound they are worthy enough to be “Seinfeld” secondary characters. Leading the way of her supporting cast of crazies is her overtly “flamboyant” interior designer, Bobby Trendy, who, if he were a character creation instead of a real person, would cause the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation to start an uprising that would make the 1992 Los Angeles riots look like a letter-writing campaign. Coming in a close second is Anna Nicole’s sycophant of a lawyer and best friend Howard K. Stern, who would submit to having his testicles removed and surgically attached to his earlobes if Anna Nicole wanted him to.

Rounding out this trio of Anna’s second fiddles is her purple-haired, vapid personal assistant, Kim Walther. Her language includes so many profane words in need of bleeping that it sounds like she’s speaking in Morse code. Also included in the cast is Anna’s 16-year-old son Daniel – the Marilyn Munster of the show – who answers every question with “I’m going to my room.” He will undoubtedly one day make some psychiatrist very, very wealthy.

Despite the fact that I take every opportunity to denigrate “The Anna Nicole Show,” I must confess to liking it. Once one gets past the show’s total lack of substance, coherent thought and any semblance of redeemable social value, and once a person gets over the irony of Anna Nicole Smith having her own reality show – because “reality” is a concept more alien to her than a Vulcan mind-meld – the viewer might see a show that represents America truly as the land of opportunity.

“The Anna Nicole Show” provides voyeuristic proof that in this nation, a person doesn’t have to say or do anything of real consequence or even be able to complete a rational sentence.

No, to be famous in this country, all someone needs is a great set of “tah-tahs” and enough foresight to marry a billionaire 14 months before he dies.

God Bless America.