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DO YOU LIKE ME? DON’T LOOK AWAY!

Upon walking into Ambrosino, a small North Miami gallery, the raspy-yet-sweet voice of a woman calls out and asks, “Do you like me?” It comes from a bespectacled wrinkled face in a television set with a black cloak draped over it, giving the illusion that there is a person in the room.
The work, a DVD continuous loop by Lou Anne Colodny called “I like U,” is one of sixteen pieces on view at the space’s new exhibit, It’s Hard to Figure.

The woman looks at you so intently from behind the thick-rimmed glasses that it’s hard to tear away and peruse the rest of the exhibit. Just when you think you can escape, she beckons in a whiny, childish voice, “Don’t look away, don’t look away.” The haunting face keeps you there until the loop ends.

When you’re finally free to wander, the first piece that catches your eye is Paul Mullins’ oil on wood, “Championship Belt.” The painting is not your typical homage to a boxer where the subject in question is posed, dukes up, staring off into the distance. No, Mullins gives it to you straight, focusing just on a husky midriff section sporting a massive championship belt. The earthen tones and chunky paint strokes add the drama that seems to be missing from the figure itself.

What’s an exhibit dedicated to the human figure without the ineluctable sexual theme? Well, Gustavo Roman centers his work strictly around crude sex. His “Practice Makes Perfect” shows a woman, legs spread, engaging in self-gratification. But, be warned, the depiction is not the traditional sensual masturbation scene.

This one is raw and almost disturbing as the woman uses her fist for the aforementioned pleasing.

Roman doesn’t bother adding more drama to the already shocking pieces with color. His use of inky black lines on white paper could have undermined its power, but doesn’t. In fact, the lack of color seems to capitalize on the lack of intimacy of each painting.

Unlike the larger than life “Championship Belt” that doesn’t require an up-close-and-personal look, Carol K. Brown’s “Encounters” does. The series of thirty 5″ x 7″ pieces is by far the most intimate work in the exhibit.

Each acrylic-on-paper evokes such a strong sense of silence that it seems to block out the ever-present voice in Coldony’s piece. The scenes here are two or more people interacting with others and often with themselves. Each figure is intricately detailed except for facial features, left for the imagination of the viewer – a girl smoking a cigarette, two boys playing, a couple embracing…slices of ordinary life.

Jorge Pantoja picks up where Carol K. Brown leaves off and his paintings also have the same sense of tranquility of Brown’s work. Different body parts like the back of a girl’s head or the Venus de Milo-inspired “Model” are highlighted here. The latter piece, mixed media on paper, is the armless torso of a woman in the softest pink and ivory, almost invisible on the frame.

At first, it’s difficult to find the common ground in this show because of a miscellany of technique and style, but the artists, each vastly different from the other, still elucidate the multiplicity of human relationships and the visceral sensuality of our bodies. That’s compelling enough to try and pull off, isn’t it?

It’s Hard to Figure is on view at the Ambrosino Gallery, 769 NE 125th St., North Miami, with works by Carol K. Brown, Lou Anne Colodny, Paul MullinS, Jorge Pantoja, Ali Prosch and Gustavo Roman, through November 22. Call 305-891-5577 for more info.

Ambar Hernandez can be reached at weetchie@hotmail.com

Do the Monster Mash

OK. So spooky was o-u-t this Halloween, but porn stars and exhibitionists were most definitely still in last Friday in downtown Miami. GADA (Go Anywhere Do Anything) magazine and 4th Element sent out a howling for the bold and defiant to show up dressed in the most unthinkable costumes and housed them under the steel structures of Vulcan’s Lair.

Envisioned by artist Frank Joseph Welde and his team of, er, welders, who go under the title 69 Design Metalwerks – known for the exotic and beautiful steel artwork they’ve produced for Lenny Kravitz, Prince and South Beach’s Crobar – months were spent searing and tweaking metal to get the right look for this party: a 25,000 square foot steel playground as mean and sadistic as the price ($35) to get in.

The setting melded the non-organic distortions of a ’90s Tool video with the dark alley eeriness of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Crafts and sculptures on display were intricate and random, but they were barely noticeable in the dim lighting, which ultimately went black in the main area.

But, while this Halloween bash was hyped to be the most bloodcurdling and horrifying party in Miami history, it was instead an otherworldly, people-watching fantasy that would have made for an amazing fashion show (everything from Roman soldiers and guys in drag to Venetian clowns with sumptuous headdresses). But this sure as hell beat watching drunken boys and rowdy locals marching through the Grove. Check the pics – they speak for themselves.

Good Times and Friends in High Places

Life & Art Associate Editor

There’s something essentially noble about being a mailman, however dreary it may be – especially when you’re writing spitfire rhymes on the side. It’s even more righteous to recognize both the dignity of running the mail and one’s artistic drive.

“I don’t want to make any distinction between me and the common man,” says 27-year-old MC Kenny Jenkins, aka Diverse, who modestly delivered mail whilst attending classes at the local university when he was first coming up, “because I am that common man. I’m blessed with the creative impulse to express what I see, but I see a correlation between all our lives and I do all I can to connect with people on a humanistic level.”

A Chicago native, Diverse is an eloquent upcoming rapper on indie label Chocolate Industries, which has just released his first LP, One A.M., among the obscure throng of the underground rap game. You might not be seeing him on MTV, but his unorthodox rhyme skills could possibly put glit-hop MCs like 50 Cent to shame.

Growing up listening to pioneering groups like A Tribe Called Quest and Del tha Funky Homosapien, Diverse contended in high school battles and freestyles, before attending several universities, but never graduating. Although his mother, who works at Northwestern University, stressed education throughout his life, he needed a break and wanted to cultivate his love of music first, after facing crude realities when he left home in his late teens.

“Where I grew up wasn’t ideal by any means though I didn’t have to dodge bullets or anything,” he explains, “but it really hit me when I was out on my own after I was 18, when I first started working in the mailroom. I wasn’t getting any financial assistance and was perpetually broke, falling back on my bills. I got evicted from my first apartment and it opened my eyes: I didn’t know how harsh it could be when you move out of home.”

In ’94-’95, Diverse was set to pursue music and a mutual friend hooked him up with Seven, founder of Chocolate Industries. Subsequently, he created his first EP, Move, and showcased his skills on the label’s electro/hip hop compilation, Urban Renewal Program. Word spread around about his talents and, thanks to Seven’s connections, he was able to cut tracks with such prominent indie producers as RJD2, Madlib and Prefuse 73 (for whom he contributed lyrics to one song on the latter’s latest album, One Word Extinguisher) for his full-length.

“It’s called One A.M. because I work like a night owl,” he says. “I was working in a basement studio and my most creative hours are between one and five a.m.”

After pausing to reflect on what induces his artistic spirit, he then adds:

“I don’t wanna sound clich

Crunch Time Hurricanes’ road to the Sugar Bowl goes through Blacksburg

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This Saturday, the No. 2 and No. 3 football teams in the nation, both undefeated and competing for the ultimate prize, will clash at Lane Stadium in a small town located in…wait…never mind.

Virginia Tech already ruined what could have been the most important game of the season by losing to West Virginia last week.

The hype has faded a bit, but this game will still have an impact on the BCS race and Big East Championship.

“[Virginia] Tech’s season is on the line with us,” Head Coach Larry Coker said. “For them to be where they want to be, they can still be a one-loss team, they can still win this league, and they can still go to a BCS bowl game…that’s what we’ve got to deal with.”

The ‘Canes sit at No. 2 in the polls and control their own destiny. If they win their final five games, they will be packing for New Orleans. However, being No. 2 means that every team with only one loss will keep an eye on the scoreboard during their games.

“We’re in a position right now…we win the games and we’re right where we want to be,” Coker said. “We have tough games five weeks in a row.”

Virginia Tech lost the luxury of controlling their fate when they fell asleep on West Virginia, but the UM players believe that the loss may fuel the Hokies fire. Although getting to the Sugar Bowl looks doubtful because of their weak schedule, the Hokies could help their title hopes considerably by taking down the ‘Canes.

“They got knocked off by West Virginia last week and they’re coming out to destroy us,” wide receiver Sinorice Moss said. “It’s going to be a dog fight to the end.”

The main weapons in V-Tech’s arsenal are duel-threat quarterback Bryan Randall and powerful running back Kevin Jones.

In last year’s contest, Miami held Jones to one yard on four carries while he shared time with Lee Suggs, but Randall burned the ‘Canes’ defense for 132 yards rushing and 165 yards passing.

Defensive end Baraka Atkins will play an important role in stopping the duo of Randall and Jones and realizes the dangers of a savvy quarterback.

“We’re going to have to contain him because he has the ability to run with the football as well as throw it,” he said. “We just have to keep as much pressure as we can on him.”

The return of safety Sean Taylor, who had minor shoulder surgery after the FSU game, will help the team tremendously.

“He’s a linebacker with defensive back skills and he’s a terrific tackler,” Coker said. “If you’re calling the plays, you don’t really like your odds with your quarterback on Sean Taylor.”

Another player who missed the Temple game, wide receiver and punt returner Roscoe Parrish, will return after a crushing hit caused him to have internal bleeding in Tallahassee.

Parrish’s ears might bleed as well this week because the fans in Blacksburg are known to be rowdy and the noise in Lane Stadium can hit high levels. The crowd and possible cold weather could give the Hokies an advantage, but Coker knows his team can handle the adversity of tough crowds and inclement weather after they dominated FSU in a rain filled slop fest at Doak Campbell Stadium.

“It’s going to be cold,” Coker said. “The team that handles (that) the best probably has a very good chance to win.”

UM vs VT SATURDAY, NOV 1 7:45 p.m. on ESPN

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quarterback

Brock Berlin has completed 61% of his passes for over 1600 yards. If he keeps the ball out of the defense’s hands this week, the fans will start to come around.

Bryan Randall played amazingly in the first six games of the season but imploded against West Virginia, throwing three interceptions and getting sacked four times. He doesn’t put up big passing numbers but his running ability could cause some problems.

VT Wins

RUNNING BACK

Jarrett Payton will need his first 100-yard performance against a team other than Temple if the ‘Canes want to control the game. Look for Jason Geathers to get some more carries. Tyrone Moss looked good rushing for over 100 yards against the Owls, but he is still young.

The Hurricanes shut down Kevin Jones last year, but in 2001 he ran for 160 yards as the Hokies almost ruined the ‘Canes’ title hopes. West Virginia held Jones to 59 yards on the ground, but that was partly because they had to pass the ball once they fell behind. There is no denying that Jones is one of the best backs in the country.

VT Wins

WIDE RECEIVER

Kellen Winslow is the first Lombardi Trophy semi-finalist to play tight end since Oklahoma’s Keith Jackson in 1987. Winslow can dominate a game like he has done recently, but Berlin needs to spread the ball around to speedy receivers Roscoe Parrish, Kevin Beard, and 6’4″ Ryan Moore.

Ernest Wilford can play but the question remains whether he and Head Coach Frank Beamer have made up after Beamer slapped him during the WVU game. Besides Wilford the Hokies don’t have any big-time threats at receiver.

UM Wins

OFFENSIVE LINE

The starting offensive line hasn’t allowed a sack since the East Carolina win. The back-up offensive line ruined the streak of games without a sack when they almost got back up signal-caller Derrick Crudup killed against Temple. Joe McGrath has played well since returning from an injury.

Center Jake Grove is the heart of the offense and an All-American. The left side of the line features two sophomores, but they have held up well this season. They have allowed ten sacks on the year, but four of those came last game.

UM Wins

DEFENSIVE LINE

Although his stats don’t match the size of his waste line, coaches insist that Vince Wilfork is having a monster year. Ends Baraka Atkins and Thomas Carroll will need to contain the running threat of Randall and the sweeps to the speedy Jones.

Senior ends Cols Colas and Nathaniel Adibi are the stars of the d-line and they lead the Hokies in sacks with three and two respectively. They have held opponents to a measly 114 yards-per-game on the ground, but West Virginia tore them apart.

TIE

LINEBACKERS

D.J. Williams scored his second touchdown of the season last game on a fake punt. Williams, usually quiet off the field, would hit his mom in the face if she had the football. He actually did hit her in the face to get on his high school’s special teams.

Vegas Robinson suffered an ankle injury last year but is second on the team with seven tackles for a loss this year. He is also tied for fourth among Hokies with 49 tackles. Brandon Manning is small for a linebacker at 214 pounds but he had 16 tackles in Tech’s last game.

UM WINS

SECONDARY

With the emergence of Greg Threat as a force at safety, Maurice Sikes could have a tough time keeping his starting spot for the whole year. Sean Taylor returns to the line-up and nobody at Virginia Tech is happy about that.

DeAngelo Hall gets a lot of hype for someone with only one interception, although he does return punts well occasionally. No one on VT’s team has more than one pick this season, but opponents average just 186.4yards per game through the air.

UM Wins

SPECIAL TEAMS

Roscoe Parrish will return punts after missing last game with internal bleeding. The ‘Canes hope that FSU’s Stanford Samuels didn’t knock the spirit out of the 5’8″ firecracker. The ‘Canes have struggled kicking the ball off with Mark Gent and punter Brian Monroe taking turns.

Frank Beamer built a reputation with special teams. Earlier this year they blocked their 100th kick during his era and they are inside every opponent’s head when it comes to the kicking game. DeAngelo Hall has taken two punt returns to the house this year.

Volleyball has no trouble with FAU

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The women’s volleyball team pulled out a much-needed 3-0 victory against non-conference opponent Florida Atlantic in Boca Raton Wednesday night. The Hurricanes’ win over the Owls was important for morale after a disappointing loss to Connecticut on Saturday.
Red shirt freshman middle blocker Francheska Savage initially had some trouble getting kills, but the hostile crowd’s heckling appeared to be her inspiration as she was able to swing the momentum in UM’s favor with a pivotal kill off a Leyre Santaella Sante serve. Santaella Sante finished the match with 18 kills. The Hurricanes hit their usual mid-game rough spot, and just as typically caught themselves and took off from there, finishing the game off at 30-18.
After a shaky start to the second game, a Karla Johnson block pushed Miami ahead 7-4. Johnson and Robin Lewullis led the ‘Canes with four blocks each.
Junior outside hitter Elizabeth Tyson was able to push the ball at a perfect angle to send it over the net for a Hurricane point. A Johnson kill on the ensuing point put UM on top 14-9. A rollover dig by sophomore defensive specialist Kaitlin Kozak couldn’t be salvaged as FAU’s blocking wall took care of two points in a row, closing in on the ‘Canes’ 15-12 lead.
Johnson and Tyson each contributed two service aces, while Kozak led the team with 11 digs.
An uncharacteristically high number of net violations and errors put FAU within striking distance late in the game as the score reached 26-22. UM clinched the 30-25 win with a rollover last-second dig by junior libero Jamie Grass.
In game three, FAU began with a steady lead, which held up until a Tyson kill tied the score at six apiece. Santaella Sante gave the ‘Canes their first lead of the game at 9-8. The teams flip-flopped leads, remaining close throughout the middle of the game. A Tyson kill broke the game open and the Hurricanes were able to cruise to a 30-23 win.
“It was nice to see our outside put more balls away…it was a little sloppy out there,” Head Coach Nicole Lantagne Welch said. “But any time you win in three you take the win and go home.”
Junior setter Mallory James led the Hurricanes with 41 assists.
“We played well enough to win, but I don’t think we played the best we could have to win,” James said. “We’re not looking too far ahead in the future, we’re just looking ahead to our next match…and forget about all the stuff that’s happened in the past.”
The team was without outside hitter Valeria Tipiana once again, but Lantagne Welch said that she should return for next week’s action.
The Hurricanes finished with eight team blocks, 51 kills, 113 total attacks, 47 assists, six service aces, and 41 digs.
With the win the ‘Canes improve to 18-6 overall with a 6-1 record in the Big East. Florida Atlantic drops to 11-11 with a 5-1 mark in Atlantic Sun Conference play. UM is now 14-9 against opponents from Florida.
The Hurricanes take on Big East opponents West Virginia and Pittsburgh this weekend on Friday and Sunday in the Knight Sports Complex.

Melissa Teich can be reached at melissateich@hotmail.com

QUESTIONS:
COACH: status on Tipiana?

Carey ready to inflict pain on Virginia Tech

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From metro rails to pancake blocks, Vernon Carey is an important part of the Hurricanes’ offensive line. After a dominant 2002 season, Carey is on the right track to reaching his full potential as a football player in his senior year.

The ‘Canes lost many of their starters to the draft last season, only returning three to the offensive line in Vernon Carey, Carlos Joseph, and Chris Myers. This year, Carey has developed into a powerful run blocker and is able to play either the guard or tackle position. The entire unit has made tremendous strides throughout the season.

“We’re doing terrifically on pass protection,” Carey said. “I think our o-line only gave up three sacks in seven games. That’s almost up there with the championship team two years ago with Bryant McKinnie. Overall, I think we’re doing pretty well. We gave up only six sacks last year. A few things keep trying to put us back, such as injuries, but we’re definitely coming along.”

Last season, Carey had 37 metro rails, which is a term used to reward driving an opponent out of a play by holding a block for at least five seconds. He also totaled 42 pancake blocks, which is when an opponent is flattened. This season, his stats aren’t as impressive on paper.

“I feel I haven’t been doing that well yet,” Carey said. “I have been playing well, for an OK-type player, as [Offensive Line] Coach Kehoe would say. I have to keep working hard, keep rehabbing, and get my body ready for the rest of the season.”

Bringing a 39-game winning streak to Blacksburg this weekend, Carey feels that the Virginia Tech game will be a challenge, but has confidence that the team will win. The Hurricanes have studied film for hours this week, especially of the Hokies’ loss to West Virginia.

“They [West Virginia] were tough up front,” Carey said. “They run the ball a lot, and that’s how you have to beat that team. Running the ball is definitely a key factor. Jarrett Payton, Tyrone Moss, and all the others are all doing a great job running the ball. But in the end, it’s going to come down to the offensive line.”

With a healthy o-line available, Carey feels that the unit is better now than they’ve been all year.

“We are a work in progress,” Carey said. “Ever since we came back from the FSU game we’ve just been giving more and more every weekend and getting better and better. We have gotten better as a unit. I know I’m getting healthier, much better than I was two to three weeks ago. Everything has just seemed to click recently.”

Winning their 40th regular season game in a row will not be easy, especially against a team competing with the Hurricanes for the Big East title. Carey, known to be one of the best in the nation at protecting gaps, will have to have his finest performance of the season against the Hokies’ defensive front.

“If you don’t win the big ones, it [the season] means nothing,” Carey said. “The only game we lost [last season] was against OSU, and I still do not think that was legit. We are trying to win this big game here and hopefully we can make it all the way through. Our goal is to get to the big dance in New Orleans at the end of the season, and we will do everything in our power to accomplish that.”

Carroll enjoying breakout season for ‘Canes

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Hurricanes defensive end Thomas Carroll has one job when he’s on the field: getting to the football. Glory or no glory, getting that job done is crucial for the ‘Canes on the road to the Bowl Championship Series.

The defensive line may be the least recognized part of a football team. But, as Carroll contends, it’s as important as any.

“[In general defensive ends] don’t get as much respect, just like offensive linemen don’t get any respect,” he said. “Quarterbacks get all the glory, running backs get all the glory…we do the dirty work. People on the team realize what we do, but the fans really don’t see all that.”

After red shirting in 2001, Carroll had six tackles and a sack as a backup in 2002. He has 24 tackles so far this season, making at least one in every game. He had a personal-best eight against FSU. High numbers translate into a good time for Carroll.

“My best game was maybe Florida State. I had fun in that game,” he said.

A Lakewood (New Jersey) High School standout, Carroll had 117 tackles, 18 sacks, and three blocked kicks during his senior year. On offense he played tight end, gaining 292 yards on 20 catches as a senior. Carroll was a SuperPrep All-American at Lakewood. Coming to Miami, he, like all rookies, was thrown to the bottom of the pile.

“Everything’s faster in college,” Carroll said. “At every level, things pick up…it’s more mental here than in high school.”

On the gridiron Carroll’s mind is on only one thing. He hears the crowd, and no matter where he is playing, the noise is an inspiration to bring down his opponent’s offense.

“Nothing [is on my mind], just beating the guy across from me,” he said. “It’s pretty blank out there; I’m not really thinking about too much. Once you step out and hear all the fans screaming, no matter if it’s their fans or our fans, it’s just an instant adrenaline rush.”

Carroll is thankful for his opportunity to play as a Hurricane. He is amazed at his success with the sport, and admits the impact it has had on his life is far-reaching.

“I don’t know where I’d be without football right now,” Carroll said. “It’s paying for my schooling, and it got me around guys I probably would never get to meet if I were not playing. It keeps me out of trouble, and occupies a lot of my time.”

Without his grandparents, Carroll may not have ever had football in his life. His family has kept him grounded, pushing him every step of the way.

“My grandparents have been my biggest inspiration throughout my life,” he said. “They taught me the difference between right and wrong. I do a lot of this stuff because [of them]. I think about them in my everyday life.”

With five games left in the regular season, Carroll and the ‘Canes have a lot of work to do before they can taste the sweetness of sugar. But be sure to keep an eye on the defense. How many championships are won without it?

Melissa Teich can be reached at melissateich@hotmail.com

INTRAMURALS

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Intramural Reminders

The next Intramural events to sign up for are Soccer and Team Racquetball and those deadlines are TODAY!

Don’t forget about the first ever Whiffle Ball League and the deadline to enter that will be Thursday, November 13

Intramural Scores
Flag Football Playoffs
Co-Rec Bracket:
Biohazard – 17
Scrubs – 0

Push, Shove, Score – 10
Biohazard – 0

MS – 3 – 51
The Simpsons – 0

MS-3 – 67
Push, Shove, Score – 0

MS-3 – 27
Da Kine – 0

Women’s Bracket
PT Players – 6
Suck It – 0

Team Law – 6
PT Players – 0

Wahine – 27
Get Lucky – 6

Pigskin Pussycats – 41
Tenacity – 6

Wahine – 20
Team Law – 6

Pigskin Pussycats – 55
Bite Me – 0

Wahine – 13 (OT)
Pigskin Pussycats – 6

Wahine – 28
Delta Phi Epsilon – 6

Greek Bracket
Alpha Sigma Phi – 32
Sigma Chi – 8

Lambda Chi Alpha – 12
Sigma Alpha Epsilon – 6

Phi Delta Theta – 26
Alpha Sigma Phi – 7

Sigma Phi Epsilon – 26
Kappa Sigma – 0

Zeta Beta Tau – 19
Sigma Alpha Mu – 0

Pi Kappa Alpha – 20
Lambda Chi Alpha – 13

Sigma Phi Epsilon – 14
Phi Delta Theta – 13

Pi Kappa Alpha – 6
Zeta Beta Tau – 0

Pi Kappa Alpha – 13
Sigma Phi Epsilon – 6

Men’s Bracket
Fully Staffed – 20
Camel Toes – 0

He Hate Me – 26
Team Highlight – 23

Wasps – 21
Soo Tough – 20

Boobelikin Again – 32
Juvenile – 0

Dirty – 14
Blow Out – 7

Boss Players – 25
Freaks of the Industry – 13

Miami Hurrigangsters – 13
Studz – 6

RD’s – 7
Dem Cats – 6

Fully Staffed – 25
He Hate Me – 6

Boobelikin Again – 25
Wasps – 19

Boss Players – 26
Dirty – 12

Miami Hurrigangsters – 13
RD’s – 6

Fully Staffed – 13
Boobelikin Again – 6

Boss Players – 24
Miami Hurrigangsters – 6

Boss Players – 12
Fully Staffed – 0

Boss Players – 26
Pi Kappa Alpha – 6

Volleyball
Sake Bomb – 2
Liquid Courage – 0

Biohazard – 2
Dirty Kneepads – 0

Dirty Kneepads – 2
Mo Feckers – 1

Biohazard – 2
Liquid Courage – 0

Dirty Kneepads – 2
Liquid Courage – 0

Sake Bomb – 2
Mo Feckers – 0

Med Men – 2
Animal House – 0

Da Kine – 2
Springs Boys – 0

Free Agents – 2
Team Law – 0

Team Law – 2
Free Agents – 1

Delta Phi Epsilon – 2
Zeta Tau Alpha – 0

Lambda Chi Alpha – 2
Kappa Sigma – 0

Zeta Tau Alpha – 2
Sigma Alpha Epsilon – 1

Sigma Phi Epsilon – 2
Sigma Alpha Mu – 0

Pi Kappa Alpha – 2
Phi Delta Theta – 1

Phi Delta Theta – 2
Sigma Alpha Mu – 0

Floor Hockey Championships:
Sigma Phi Epsilon – 3
District 5 Hawks – 2

Don’t exterminate the Rat, just take its clothes off

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I heard a rumor that the Rathskeller is going to be closed. I hate to think that the only campus bar could ever close out on us. This would probably be contrary to UM’s plan to raise a billion dollars. However, if the Rat closes because of the fact that there is not enough business, then perhaps my few suggested fixer-uppers ought to help it.

To increase business (and pleasure), I think on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, the Rat should turn into a nudie bar for all college women to work during these fine nights. There would definitely be more business and the Rat would be Miami’s greatest attraction. Every guy would come from miles to see barely eighteen girls and sorority chicks go out and shake their money-makers! This could make any of those women financially secure for years to come. Think about it! All sorts of women of different racial and cultural backgrounds unite to tease several horny guys and allow fraternity initiations to happen. If you don’t want women dancing in their birthday suits, at least the Rat should host several mud-and-jello wrestling events.

For us guys, don’t think that’s sexist and that you can man-handle the women dancing because you would have security guards come in and whoop your ass if you mistreat those hard-working women. And for women who need the money, this will make over a thousand dollars of tips in any given night! You women can pay off your semester in about two weeks.

Now this is Miami and there are a lot of gay guys cruising around. On those nights, I would change the name of the Rat and name it according to whatever they would want it to be. If I went out right now and named it, I probably would get knocked out by a bunch of bad-ass lesbians. Come to think of it, I would use those bad-ass lesbians to take care of those horny men during the straight nights of the show. It would make sense since they tend to dislike the male-chauvinist attitude.

I can’t wait to see all the emails that I’m going to get once this stupid article is published. I don’t care what you people think, name one nudie bar (that was not closed because of moral crusaders or John Ashcroft) that ever went out of business.

Seth Bleicher can be contacted at sethbleicher@yahoo.com.

RIAA can sue us all, once they produce good music

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It has now been over a month since the Recording Industry Association of America did the unthinkable and filed lawsuits against over 250 Internet file-sharers, including adults, college students, and even a few preteens (take that for downloading the new Good Charlotte album!). The aftermath has been appalling; even private, liberal institutions such as UM are for the first time putting up firewalls on campus in an effort to deter students (and the university itself) from breaking the law.

These measures are extreme but deemed necessary. The RIAA, which represents major music conglomerates like Sony, has pointed out a 14% drop in CD sales annually from 1999 to 2002. Their reasoning is that music downloads are giving potential customers a loophole around ever having to spend money on a CD again.

How convenient.

How convenient that they’ve decided to blame the drop in CD sales on the people who buy the CDs in the first place.

How convenient that they’ve forgotten the product they’re selling, a compact disc which costs pennies to make and nickels to ship, often finds its way to our hands at $17.99 a pop. That’s a lot of laundry money for a college student.

But let’s blame it on the fans. Follow the lead of Lars Ulrich, the disgruntled Metallica drummer who says it’s not Metallica’s fault that their album sales have dropped. It’s the fans. It has nothing to do with the fact that “Load,” “Re-load,” and “S&M (Symphony and Metallica)” were garbage, recycled garbage, and recycled garbage with orchestral accompaniment, respectively.

But don’t worry about Metallica. The recording industry really does care about you, the consumer. They’ve even put together flashy television programming like ABC’s American Idol, a show that gives everybody in America the chance to choose the recording industry’s next unadulterated, star. It’s a good thing Clay Aiken and Kelly Clarkson aren’t watered-down talent or anything.

This isn’t to say there is no good talent out there. It’s just saying that when there is actually something good out there, we buy it. You don’t see Norah Jones or Outkast complaining about their CD sales being affected, because they aren’t. Even some groups like Dispatch consider the advent of Internet file-sharing a Godsend.

The real problem is that the industry is pushing all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. Kelly Osbourne? Is she here for any reason other than her last name and cover of a Madonna song? Avril Lavigne? Wasn’t she a Canadian country singer?

So, be careful, RIAA, because you are alienating the very people who allow you to exist in the first place. Next time you blame the fans, why don’t you ask yourselves why they should be rooting for you.

Ben Minkus can be contacted at Boopalee@aol.com.

Family matters should not be domain of goverment

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In September 1977 my younger brother, John, was struck by a car in front of my home. He was two years old and the force of the impact knocked him about twenty feet away. For the next week he languished in the hospital. Almost immediately it was evident that there was no brain activity and he required a ventilator to breathe. As the days passed there was further evidence that his body was beginning to deteriorate. Sadly, by the end of that very tragic week it was clear to the doctors and my parents that there was absolutely no chance for my brother’s recovery and they subsequently consented to the deactivation of the ventilator.

While not an exact correlation to the Terri Schiavo case, it is close enough to bring forth some very powerful feelings for me. One difference of course is that while my brother was a minor, Schiavo is an adult and a married woman. In addition, she has been in a vegetative state for nearly 14 years as opposed to a week and is showing brain activity sufficient to allow her to breathe on her own. Beyond that, there has been very little evidence to suggest that her physical life is anything more now than a mechanical process. Any sign of sensory response seems to be purely autonomic. The most tragic part of this story, however, is the dispute between her husband who wants to disconnect her feeding tube and her parents who want to continue sustaining her.

The basic problem is that the actions of both the Florida legislature and Governor Bush have inappropriately injected government into a matter that is none of its business. Governor Bush has merely added insult to injury by signing a law that is clearly tied to this specific case, a case in which a court has already ruled that Mr. Schiavo could detach his wife’s feeding tube, thereby allowing her to die, as it is his contention that such an action is in accordance with her wishes.

While government should most certainly intervene in a case of domestic or child abuse, this does not qualify as such. The state legislature does not have the authority to reopen final court decisions, which is precisely what it has done. Ultimately this matter must be decided between the family and unfortunately, the courts, not a politically motivated governor and the legislature.

Scott Wacholtz is a senior majoring in Political Science. He can be contacted at aramis1642@hotmail.com.