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Living it up

Haute couture from around the world landed at the University of Miami Convocation Center last Thursday as the 2005-2006 Ebony Fashion Fair took over the runway and models strutted some beautiful lines.

“It’s not about blending in, it’s about getting them to check you out,” says Jada Collins, a model and commentator. This initiative caters directly to the black public and most of the ensembles are suitable to the fashion fearless who can afford it. Ten black models, including a full-size and a male model, are taking it to the road until May claiming runways all across the western hemisphere.

One word to describe this show is versatile. From the designs to the strut of the models, everything presented a special feature. If names like Lacroix, Oppio, Versace or Kate Mack catch your attention, you want to keep on reading.

The office wear was showcased at the beginning of the show with boldly printed suits, boots and jackets, and various assortments of black and white were presented. Five-inch thigh-reaching platform platform boots and mini skirts made their entrance shortly thereafter. Perhaps the most memorable and popular displays were those of hoods. A notable one was Thierry Mugler’s oversized hood that changed into a trail at the wearer’s convenience.

Cat suits, veils, form-fitted and transparent gowns were affluent in many designs such as Bob Magi’s stunning red, leopard-printed assortment. Line sequences and geometrical figures followed in designs from Renato Balestra, Missoni and more. Ruffles are back, meaner than ever, and hip-hop takes a turn for the glamorous with “iced out” jeans elaborately adorned and tailored with velvet and other materials. Beach fanatics who were looking for the next best thing to touch the sand might have been disappointed for winter coats and coyote fur quickly replaced the tropical-wear presentation. Kooky head gears complemented wildly colorful party dresses with extravagant birthday hats by Givenchy. Hats were intricate parts to many of the attires and even turned into purses in a vibrant and edgy Issey Miyake ensemble.

The 47th annual Ebony Fashion Fair honored its legacy, showcasing a variety of styles in an interactive and theatrical manner with a choreographed show full prepared and unprepared surprises.

Marli Lalanne can be contacted at m.lalanne@umiami.edu.

Hick-hop entertains rebels at Chili Cookoff

Forget hip-hop, hick-hop dominated this weekend at the KISS Country Chili Cookoff as more than 40,000 die-hard country fans descended on C.B. Smith Park in Pembroke Pines. Among the performers were Hank Williams Jr., Montgomery Gentry, Keith Urban, Big & Rich and Katrina Elam. After seeing this show, or more likely, this crowd, it became very apparent that any one who thinks that South Florida is part of the “South” is seriously mistaken. How many pickup trucks waving “rebel” flags (a.k.a. Confederate flags) do you see driving down Ponce on your way to class? By the time Williams performed, many people had been “tailgating” since 7 a.m. But being barely able to stand (Budweiser keg tricks will do that to you) didn’t keep them from raising their cowboy hats into the air as they sang, “save a horse, ride a cowboy.”

Most people, regardless of whether they like the music, will agree that country songs tell stories better then anyone. For that reason, here are some tips from the weekends performers

“I’ve seen enough to know I know what I like,
It’s the hard working, head turning, rugged type”
-Katina Elam, I want a cowboy

“‘Cause we’ve got better things that we can do,
When it’s raining on Sunday”
-Keith Urban, Raining on Sunday

“And the girls say,
Save a horse, ride a cowboy”
-Big & Rich, Save a horse, ride a cowboy

Lights, camera, Krystal action

Never before have two-and-a-half inches of meat created such a stir. To all fast food fiends and commercial icon wannabes, if you missed the Krystal promotion in the University Center this past Friday, you missed the casting call of a lifetime.

That is because this wasn’t your typical commercial shoot. This casting call was reserved for the true lovers of Krystal fast food and those willing to try their first Krystal burger in front of a camera. There were no phonies allowed at this taping of unscripted and uninhibited customer testimonials.

For those of you not familiar with the Krystal Company, take a gander at these awesome facts. Krystal fast-food outlets have been in operation throughout the Southeast since 1932. Its most notorious product is a square burger with steamed-in onion flavor. The meat, lodged between two chewy golden buns, measures no more than 2.5 inches in size. Their diminutive proportions can’t mask an enormity of great taste that has earned Krystal Burgers a reputation for being consumed by the “Sackful.” As this author can attest, nobody can eat just one. In fact, I ate my first two Krystals on the set.

A revolutionary piece of technology, the “Varnson Prompter” was used in filming the Krystal commercials. This two-way video prompter that doubles as a camera allowed for volunteers to converse with a Krystal representative as if he were stationed inside the camera itself. In reality, a transparent video screen broadcast the interviewer from a remote location while the camera filmed volunteers through the other side. Although they were staring directly into a rolling camera, Krystal fans seemed to be chatting with a “man-in-the-box.” The relaxed format made for some hilarious and impromptu banter that brought out the true Krystal lover in all who partook.

If you are wondering where you can grab yourself a sackful-a 12-pack of burgers that is-the nearest Krystal is on Sunrise Blvd. in Ft Lauderdale. Watch for the commercials filmed here in South Florida to begin airing in March. For more information visit www.krystal.com.

John Heslin can be reached at j.heslin@umiami.edu.

UM Jazz Band up for a Grammy

The School of Music is jazzing its way into the history books on Feb. 13 when it takes on the world’s best music at the 47th Annual Grammy Awards.

Featuring a piece from its criticallyacclaimed album, Romances, the Concert Jazz Band will be part of a nomination for Best Instrumental Composition, making it the first time the school has been recognized for a Grammy, according to Studio Music and Jazz Department Chair Whit Sidener. The band is also the only university-related group in the list of nominees.

“I was very surprised; I didn’t even know [the band] had been entered in the competition,” says Sidener. “[But] I think it’s deserved.”

Although the Grammys are actually honoring the song’s composer, Maria Schneider, Sidener insists that the band’s recording of the composition was the vehicle for the nomination.

“It’s a great testament to our department that we could produce something with our students that’s of professional quality,” Sidener says.

One of those students, Doug Leibinger, agrees. Leibinger, who played trombone on the original recording, says he was also surprised to hear about the nomination, but that he’s eager to see how it will fare at the Grammys.

“It’s a gorgeous piece [and] we did a nice job performing it,” says Leibinger, now Director of Studio Jazz Band. “It’s quite an honor to be included in something like that.”

The composition, entitled “Three Romances,” came to fruition in 2001 when the Abraham Frost Commission Series asked Schneider to write a piece for the band to premiere at Festival Miami.

Schneider, a former student at the University, penned a complex piece, which runs over 25 minutes and shifts between three distinct musical styles. In 2002, she joined the band to record the Grammy-nominated instrumental in Gusman Hall, directing and co-producing the session with Sidener.

“It was a really great experience, [the band was] just so flexible and patient,” says Schneider in a phone interview. “Anything I could write for my own group, I could write for them. I didn’t have to hold back at all.”

“It was a challenging piece,” Leibinger recalls. “It was really pushing the envelope in a real artistic manner. Maria’s stuff is definitely on the cutting edge of contemporary big band writing.”

Leibinger adds that because of Schneider’s innovative approach to music, the composition has a great chance at winning the Grammy, despite tough competition that includes Gabriel Yared, Paquito D’Rivera, Slide Hampton and Schneider’s own orchestra.

But Schneider credits the band for the nomination, saying she never doubted their ability to bring the composition to life. Being the only university band in the list of nominees, she says it speaks volumes about their future.

“The great thing about the UM band is that they’re at such a high level. It really is like working with a professional group,” says Schneider. “The band is without a doubt the strongest of the college bands in the states.”

Rafael Sangiovanni can be contacted at r.sangiovanni@umiami.edu.

Etc. – All-too-common depression as May graduation nears

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Dear V,

I have a really good guy friend who is gay. We hang out a lot and have a lot of fun together. One of our friends told me that she thinks he is in love with me. Do you think that’s possible? Not in the “I turned him straight” way, but more in the “soulmates” way?

Gay is just a phase

Dear Reader,

I think that you are on crack. I completely understand what you mean by the “soulmates” terminology, but wouldn’t you like to have sex with your soul mate, and not have to worry about him eyeing other guys? Believe me, I have more gay guy friends (who are not just fashion accessories, thank you very much!) than a girl could ever possibly need, but I know that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that we’re ever going to share anything more than a very deep and caring friendship.

Your friend is clearly mistaken in her observation, or perhaps you took her phrasing too literally. Do I think that it is possible to be in love with your friends? Of course! I would only hope that you adore your friends-after all, you are choosing to spend your time with them, and who wants to spend time with people that they can’t stand? Yet, there is a very big difference between platonic friends and kissy friends, namely platonic friends are not into kissy business. However, if you and your gay boyfriend are into slobbery sober kissy business, then he might have other issues to discuss.

Bottom line, I highly doubt that boyfriend is your “I wanna have your babies and worship your bod” soulmate, but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you two share a fabulously honest and enjoyable friendship with one another. And, hopefully your friendship will ring true far beyond college and far into your future.

Best of luck!

V.

Dear V,

I am a senior graduating in May. A lot of my friends are starting to get really depressed about graduating, even though it’s still early February. What can I do to cheer them up? I don’t want to spend my last semester of my college experience drying their tears.

Kleenex

Dear Kleenex,

Oy vey! The tears! The tears! OK, so, college is over. Big whoop, you still have 80 more years to cherish! Hello, people! There is life beyond college, and if you don’t think there is, you are in desperate need of a huge reality check. If anything, in my opinion, the best years are still ahead. I really could do away with, in an absolute heartbeat, all of the awkwardness, tension, and heartache that accompany this age. There is wisdom is aging people! Hello!

So, what do you think I am, the friggin’ pep club? You want to be able to cheer up your friends-remind them about the opportunity, the promise of future love and all of the absolute coolness that is ahead! Why don’t you remind them about all of the time they spent griping away to you about money, love, crappy friends and even crappier classes? Harrumph! I’m sure that silly little reminder would put everything into perspective for them!

Really ,though, I’m much more worried about you being surrounded by a bunch of teary maniacs. Is it too late to meet new friends? Worst-case scenario, drag them out with fatty guilt trips and liquor them up! I’m sure they will forget about all of their troubles! Hey, it worked for the Piano Man!

Good luck!

V.

Fact O’ the Day…About 54 percent of men say that they masturbate at least once a day…

Please submit all questions, comments or concerns to DearV@hotmail.com or to the Dear V box in the offices of the Hurricane. All submissions are strictly confidential. Dear V. is published on Tuesdays and Fridays, and yes, V will respond to almost (don’t push it) anything.

Briefs

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Men’s Basketball

Eric Williams had 23 points and 11 rebounds and reserve Trent Strickland added a season-high 13 points, helping fifth-ranked Wake Forest beat Miami 94-82 Saturday.

Justin Gray finished with 20 points and the Demon Deacons (17-3, 5-2 ACC) cruised in the second half to improve to 10-0 at home less than 48 hours after a heartbreaking, overtime loss at Georgia Tech. Jamaal Levy scored 15 points.

A winter storm dropped several inches of snow in Winston-Salem, leaving several hundred empty seats at Lawrence Joel Coliseum. Wake Forest’s defense also was a no-show in the first half, allowing the Hurricanes (13-6, 4-4) to shoot 56 percent-including 91 percent (10-of-11) on three-pointers-and take a 49-48 lead at the break.

Anthony Harris, averaging 12.4 points coming in, beat that total about 10 minutes into the game and had 18 of his career-high 28 in the opening 20 minutes. Guillermo Diaz added 14 of his 21 before the half.

It was tied at 63 before the Deacons finally took control. Williams started a 16-4 run with a dunk in traffic, and Chris Ellis added one of his own about a minute later. Chris Paul and Gray added three-pointers, and Strickland drove for an acrobatic lay-up to put Wake Forest ahead 74-65.

Williams’ hook from in close increased the margin to 12, and Ellis later made his only three of the game to make it 84-69, forcing a timeout by Miami Coach Frank Haith with about six minutes left. It wasn’t a very good homecoming for Haith, the first-year head coach who spent five seasons as an assistant at Wake Forest earlier in his career.

With shots going in from all over the court in the opening half, Haith must have been thinking about getting a victory in his return. Diaz was 4-of-4 from beyond the arc, Robert Hite was 2-for-2, Harris went 3-of-4 and even Raymond Hicks contributed his first three-pointer of the season.

At one point, the Deacons were shooting 80 percent-and trailing by a point. They closed the half on a 9-3 run, capped by a lay-up from Levy, to cut Miami’s lead to one.

Hite came off the bench for the first time this season and added 18 for the Hurricanes. He was late for practice Friday and was benched for the first two minutes.

Relentless passion

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While former University of Miami sprinter Lauryn Williams received honorable recognition for winning a silver medal in the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, Greece, many other UM athletes went unnoticed, including senior Kim Barrett, who competed for the Jamaican National Team.

Barrett, who is the latest addition to the Hurricanes’ track and field team, joined the Jamaican throwers squad after getting notoriety as a six-time All-American in the SEC with the Florida Gators. She finished No. 28 in the shot put.

“It was just absolutely the biggest rush because you are always told this is the ultimate you are training for and competing for and then one day you are just there,” Barrett said. “I trained really hard for the NCAA competitions and trials and that’s how I got my berth on the Jamaican team.”

While her teammates laugh and joke during practice, Barrett is straight-faced and serious, relentlessly working on the mechanics of her throws. Drenched in sweat, she continually works with her coaches to improve her game and gives it her all every time she steps on the field.

Barrett’s superior work ethic is exactly what coaches at UM are hoping will catch on with the other girls.

“It was just absolutely the biggest rush because you are always told this is the ultimate you are training for and competing for and then one day you are just there.”

– KIM BARRETT,
Hurricane track team

“She’s a hard worker who leads by example. She always wants to do more and push herself further. And she has high expectations for herself, which makes her an all around great leader for this team,” said throws coach Reneta Siler.

Barrett is a leader. She leads through example. She gives it her all and brings attitude to practice. Having an Olympian on the squad who knows that practice and determination are what it takes to be the best should help the No. 12 Hurricanes.

Barrett and the Hurricanes return to action Sunday at the Gator Invitational in Gainesville. Barrett was named ACC Indoor Track and Field Performer of the Week on Jan. 24.

Mike Holt can be contacted at m.holt@umiami.edu

‘Canes hammer distinguished alumni

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The University of Miami baseball team kicked off its 2005 season with an explosive 14-0 defeat of the alumni in front of 1,518 fans Saturday night at Mark Light Field.

The game represented a throwback to tradition with close to 50 former Hurricanes, including such greats as current Cleveland Indian Alex Cora (1994-1996) as well as Tampa Bay Devil Ray Aubrey Huff (1997-1998). With an impressive offensive performance, the game also marked the tradition of excellence that has come to be expected out of Miami’s squads.

The performance is even more impressive when you take the time to appreciate the talent fielded by the alumni team, consisting of some of the best players ever to put on a Hurricane uniform. After the game, Hurricanes Head Coach Jim Morris was quite pleased with the outcome, but said nothing to take away from the alumni team

“This is a great game for us,” Morris said. “It is always great to play against all the former players who return. These guys we play against are not just alumni but very good players. The game will help us prepare for FIU on Tuesday.”

The Hurricanes, however, fielded an impressive lineup of their own, consisting of Danny Figueroa (CF), Paco Figueroa (2B/OF), Ryan Braun (SS/3B), Jon Jay (OF), Brendan Katin (OF/C), Roger Thomas (2B), Danny Valencia (1B/SS), Gaby Sanchez (3B/OF), Eddy Rodriguez (C) and Dan Touchet, the starting pitcher.

Danny Figueroa had a particularly big night, leading the Hurricanes with five RBIs and a 3-for-4 performance at the plate.

In the first inning, Braun homered to centerfield to put Miami up 2-0. It was a lead that the Hurricanes would never concede. The ‘Canes didn’t yield much to the alumni offensively, as the defense displayed a business-like approach throughout the game, even if it was an informal exhibition.

The fifth inning was where the Hurricanes did most of their damage. First baseman Valencia singled to right field, scoring Jay, who lead off the inning with a walk and Katin, who reached base on a single. A two-run homerun over the left field fence by Danny Figueroa put the Hurricanes up 11-0, with Alex Garabedian scoring after reaching base on a fielder’s choice.

Morris emphasized the play of his defense.

“I thought we played really well,” he said. “We played outstanding defense, and the one error we made was a really tough call to make. It had to have been an unbelievable play by Roger Tomas.”

Morris gave credit to the all-around play of his team.

“Our pitchers threw strikes, and we got some big hits with two outs,” he said. “This is the type of game we’re going to have to play [running and stealing bases]. It’s a good game for us for many, many reasons.”

Morris said he’s looking forward to opening up the regular season against cross-town rival FIU Tuesday night at Mark Light Field.

“They play us like it’s the World Series every time.”

Michael Soto can be contacted at m.soto3@umiami.edu.

Women’s tennis opens season with win

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The University of Miami women’s tennis team set the tone for the season with straight-set wins against the Quakers. The ‘Canes were forced to make the University of Pennsylvania their opener after the match against Florida Atlantic was postponed due to undesirable weather conditions.

Senior Megan Bradley played up to her position at the No. 1 singles spot by taking on the Quakers’ Julia Koulbitskaya. Bradley finished the match in just two sets, winning 6-1, 6-2.

“Megan was one of the only people who didn’t look rusty on the court. She has had the most experience and it shows when she plays,” Head Coach Paige Yaroshuk-Tews said.

Bradley also lent a hand in the doubles portion of the match alongside sophomore Audrey Banada, resulting in an 8-2 score over Penn’s Koulbitskaya and Michelle Mitchell. The No. 3 doubles team of Staci Stevens and Patricia Starzyk secured the doubles point after their 8-5 victory.

Junior Melissa Applebaum won the No. 3 singles match-up 6-4, 6-3, improving her overall record to 8-4.

Banada followed suit with a straight-set win at the No. 5 position.

Juliette Mavroleon, a freshman who previously reached a World Junior Ranking of No. 293 before becoming part of the team, defeated Caroline Stanislawski 6-2, 6-4, to end the individual matches.

Stevens, a senior, was forced into a third set after being overtaken 1-6 in the No. 2 singles spot. Stevens eventually outlasted the freshman Quaker winning the match.

Starzyk closed out the overall match with a three-set win 6-3, 0-6, 6-4.

Starzyk is the newest member of the Miami team and sole international player. The Austrian-born player held the title of national champion from 1994 through 2000. Her freshman season began just this semester.

“Staci and Patricia fought hard to the very end and finished strong. It really showed that they had character and endurance,” Yaroshuk-Tews said.

This will be Yaroshuk-Tews’ fourth season as head coach. Her success is a reflection of the methods she uses to build each individual player. With no set expectations for the season in terms of wins and losses, Yaroshuk-Tews maintains that the most important thing the squad needs to work on is mentally preparing for matches and keeping a positive outlook at the toughest points of a match.

“It’s one thing to go into a match thinking you can win, but another to keep that same mindset when you’re down,” Yaroshuk-Tews said. “If we work on that as well as their overall skill levels and consistency, we’ll have a winning season.”

Stacey Arnold can be contacted at s.arnold@umiami.edu.

Redemption

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As Head Coach Ferne Labati put it, life for Miami women’s basketball was “miserable”-until Thursday night.

Yalonda McCormick led all scorers with 23 points and Tamara James added 18 as the Hurricanes (9-10, 1-5) finally posted their first ACC victory by outlasting No. 19 Florida State (18-3, 5-2) 62-57 at the Convocation Center.

Florida State was led by guards Ganiyat Adeduntan, who had 17 points and nine rebounds, and Roneeka Hodges, who finished with 16 points and five rebounds. The Seminoles committed 19 turnovers while forcing only 13.

After losing its first five ACC contests, Miami was low on morale and desperate for a win over its rivals.

“Pat Riley says, ‘there’s winning and there’s misery,’ and everyone: players, coaches, you name it, we’ve just been absolutely miserable,” Labati said.

Labati actually had the team meet with a sports psychologist to improve its focus and concentration, but she said the players ultimately had to look within themselves for inspiration.

“They were very self-motivated,” she said. “It wasn’t about what we said, and I think our kids understand that if you’re self-motivated, as a team you’re going to rally and be able to play.”

The coach’s efforts appeared to be futile early in the first half when an 8-0 Seminole run sparked by an Adeduntan three-pointer opened up a 23-14 FSU lead. The Hurricanes fell behind by as much as 11, but a late 7-0 run brought them within three points at halftime.

The second half was tightly contested throughout, as McCormick hit a three-pointer to close within two points with 16:44 left. Miami took its second lead of the game after an Albrey Grimsley lay-up at the 14:10 mark.

Florida State fought back and regained a three-point lead, but James hit her only three-pointer of the game to tie the score. A James lay-up with 5:46 left gave the Hurricanes a 52-51 advantage.

Clinging to a one-point lead (58-57) with under a minute left, Miami relied on McCormick, the senior point guard, to put the game away with a lay-up and two made free throws. Florida State did not manage to score again, and McCormick tossed the basketball high in the air when the final buzzer sounded.

Labati did not hide her emotions after the game.

“Needless to say, we are extremely happy tonight,” she said. “These are the stats that were really important to us: to stop their penetration, the amount of turnovers we had, to be able to defend on the boards and just to go out there and take really great shots.”

McCormick said the team has a renewed hunger and drive to compete in the ACC after notching its first conference victory.

“I feel that we shouldn’t just be content,” McCormick said. “We have to, from here on out, play just like we played tonight. Don’t relax just because we won our first game.”

The Hurricanes return to action Monday night when they travel to Clemson for a 7 p.m. tip-off.

Eric Kalis can be contacted at e.kalis@umiami.edu.

Social Security is the one with WMDs

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The British Government has learned that Social Security recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. That’s right, folks. That F.D.R. social program designed to keep Grandma from starving to death is actually a terrorist and a tyrant that has deployable, militarized weapons of mass destruction. We cannot wait for the smoking gun because Social Security is an imminent threat.

The risk of inaction presents a horrific scenario. Since its inception, Social Security has collected more in taxes than it has given Grandpa. In 2018-which is practically tomorrow-this will change. Don’t think the terror stops there! If we do nothing, the system will become insolvent in 2052! Don’t you see the imminent danger?

Don’t worry. We have a solution. We always have a solution. From the people who brought you the USA PATRIOT act and war without end, we present to you privatization! Whoops, sorry, they’re telling me that you people don’t like that word. Rove is saying to use “personal investment accounts” instead. Here’s how it works: We take your money and put it in a private stock market account because nothing ever goes wrong with the stock market. As for Grandma, she’ll still get her check because we’re going to borrow $2,000,000,000,000. Don’t worry about all those zeroes; China will be happy to oblige.

Never mind that the CEO who rakes in millions per year pays the same amount into Social Security as an engineer making $87,000 per year, and never mind that simply raising that flat-rate cutoff to something like $110,000 will fix it until our children die. That’s not the point. This is part of a broader war on the terror of using tax money for people.

There are those who say that our plan is designed to fail so that we can finally rid ourselves of that pesky social program that’s worked so well. They say our plan is overreaching, brash and short-sighted. We call them liberals. These are the same people who told you that Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction. Pssh. Shows what they and their Howard Dean know!

You may as well like our plan because we’re going to keep using your tax dollars for propaganda until public support for privatization is high enough that we don’t have to worry about a “throw the bastards out” campaign in 2006.

Disclaimer: The author is a paid “consultant” with the Santorum/Gingrich ’08 PAC.

Chris Fisher can be contacted at c.fisher@umiami.edu.

ON SECOND THOUGHT

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It has been the year 2005 for a month, and I realized long ago that keeping New Year’s resolutions aren’t an adequate way to judge my progress thus far, because I usually forget them or rationalize them away. For example, my resolution this year to give up caffeine lasted a whole 13 days.

I’ve taken to doing a more objective analysis: I do a Google search for myself. The results are pretty good aside from the masses of links generated by failed attempts at blogging. At least all the links are about me in some capacity, dating back from high school. Then it strikes me as kind of creepy that anyone could very well do a Google search for my name and find out that I dropped in semis at the University of Texas-Austin debate tournament during my junior year of high school. I remember when the internet was this evil demon where I wasn’t supposed to reveal more than my first name, and even that was dangerous. It also required that I knew how to work a computer. Now the internet is cuddlier and simple, mouse-click friendlier. Now my first and last names are plastered in at least 10 unique places.

Yet, I really don’t care. I can even bolster my Google list through places of the Facebook variety and the eleventy billion different blog sites where I can record every single thing I’ve done ever. Yah know, set the record straight for all of random people perusing around who I probably won’t even meet. It seems in a world of six billion some odd, it’s getting really easy to get lost in the crowd. It doesn’t help that there is this reciprocal curiosity to look at all of these blogs, profiles and homepages, feeding this need for voyeurism when there isn’t anything new on reality TV. Or maybe I’m just being too thoughtful and the internet is really just a glorified dating service slash mall.

Still, my name is still out there and there is only one logical solution: stop telling people in my non-virtual reality my name. Then, they can’t do a Google search for it! However, it also makes all sorts of other things much harder too, like cashing checks or continuing to write this column. Then I wonder if I am more afraid of people I actually know or this imaginary army of creepy internet people that is constantly looking at my high school debate results online. Either way, having my extensive Google r