Fear the freshman-year first love

The start of a new fall semester means many things for our Coral Gables campus. A sweltering hot “sylly week”, a new chance for football to beat FSU (doubtful) and plenty of opportunities for future influencers to chase the remnants of stardom Alix Earle left behind. But most importantly, it means a new class of fresh-faced first-years will make their way to Lake Osceola’s wondrous shores.

Freshman year is filled with tons of warnings from your elders. “Leave your door open,” “beware the Freshman 15” and “know your limits” amongst others are repeated to you so many times before you even step foot on campus it becomes second nature. And although some of these warnings may be truer than others (breakfast at the dining hall with a terrible hangover is a freshman rite of passage) what friends and family fail to warn youngsters about is the true enemy of any successful freshman year: the dorm romance.

Each and every year romance takes hold of the Freshman dorms, filling the hearts and minds of freshmen with promises of a great college love story. From this emerges the most repugnant of all campus relationships, even worse than the PDA couples by the lake: freshman floor-mates.

These couples find each other within the first few weeks of the semester. Maybe they sat next to each other during the orientation week event in Watsco Center or they spent a drunken Thursday night after Sandbar together in one of their twins xls failing miserably not to disturb their roommate sleeping less than a foot away. No matter how these star-crossed lovers come to meet, it’s always thanks to the close quarters that only dorm living brings.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Michael from Bergen County NJ who lives down the hall from you in Mahoney is not the great love of your life. He might brave the abuelitas at CVS (he’s still too scared to go to Crown) with his fake id to get you an oh-so-coveted bottle of barefoot Moscato or a case of whatever seltzer is trending on Tik Tok, but your love story is not epic- it’s not even unique. Venture to any other dorm floor and you will be met with couples with the same “meet-cute” as you and your supposed soulmate.

Why precisely these relationships emerge is hard to say. Some might cite the newfound independence college brings or the incessant hormones of 18-year-olds, but my theory is a bit more interesting.

Through consultations with victims of a freshman love affair the conclusion can be made that besides the proximity, the stress and trauma of freshman year in Miami is what draws these lovers to one another. Failing that first exam, getting caught with an illegal substance by your RA and toughing through the terror that is recruitment season is bound to bring up some emotions.

And what better way to ease these fears than to have someone to share them with? Having a warm embrace to cuddle up with after getting denied from the club is a desirable experience but what these freshmen have failed to realize is that commitment and monogamy are much more challenging in Miami (more on that in another article).

Unsurprisingly, these lovers fail to thrive outside the confines of the dorms. As time passes and the campus becomes larger than just the rag-tag crew on your freshman floor the two lovebirds will undoubtedly drift apart. Not to worry however, they will be sure to have some drunken hookups sophomore year and stalk each other religiously on Instagram. So freshman, as you prepare to take in everything our wonderful campus has to offer, remember this article and save yourself the heartbreak of the freshman first love.