I hear wedding bells!

Let’s be real, we are at the mercy of the University of Miami’s social media influencers. These TikTok, YouTube and Instagram icons have positioned themselves atop a social pyramid with profound trickle-down consequences. It feels like more and more often, these monarchs reign over our group conscious of what’s “in” and what’s “out.”

Whether it be bulky Stanley Tumblers, the impractical “The Tote by Marc Jacobs,” overpriced YoungLA crew neck t-shirts or matching spandex gym-sets (camel toe sold separately… literally); if they post it, we’ll buy it. From mega-star @Xandrapohl to TikTok icon @Gailthegirl of UM’s campus, we flock like a herd of sheep. To their each and every whim we so quickly waiver.

However, it has been brought to my attention that over this past weekend, a positive force of influencer power has finally caught wind. UM’s biggest influencer, Alix Earle, said “yes” to a lifetime of disappointment in the backyard of an off-campus Sigma Chi frat house during the SigChi “wedding” party. Clad in white, Mrs. Earle, walked (or stumbled) down an aisle with the eyes of UM’s most impressionable upon her.

I don’t mean to beat you over the head with a history textbook, but if our past has taught me anything, it’s that we have a track record of mainstreaming these influencer fads within a matter of days. So, come Valentine’s Day, I expect that beyond a shadow of a doubt, 75 percent of the UM student body will be in wedlock. We can all thank Alix Earle, or better I say Mrs. Alix Earle-frat-guy, for helping our campus move toward a more virtuous and monogamous community of happily wedded 20-year-olds. So long, pool parties and Friday night dick-appointements and hello to a life-time of resentment and day drinking (not the fun kind).

Sure, Earle’s “big day” may have been a large-scale spectacle (complete with actual brand endorsements) for Greek life affiliates to get belligerent at and no actual vows were exchanged between the newlyweds. However, if the explosion of flare-leggings and blonde balayage have indicated anything, it’s that we tend to take things a little too far and this time it may be as far as the altar. I just hope I get a plus one.

Till death do us part. Yours always,