“Put me in coach!”

I know so very little about American football (being absolutely demolished by a 220 pound man with a lot of grunting and cheering involved is something I know quite a bit about; shoulder pads and a helmet are usually optional). Nonetheless, I do know that in an attempt to save at least a shred of our university’s athletic reputation, we should seriously consider playing fútbol instead.

It truly boggles my mind that these boys still have the audacity to slide into my DMs when they can’t even slide into an end zone … at this point it doesn’t even have to be the right end zone. I can’t help but wonder how much better we’d be if our team put half the effort they do into DMing freshmen into actually executing a play. In that vein, just imagine if they were as agile on the field as they are when obnoxiously weaving their way through campus on their scooters.

Alas, if Miami football has taught me two things, it’s don’t get your hopes up, no matter who the head coach is, and block the wide receiver’s Instagram, no matter how smooth the opening line (trust me he’ll just fumble the bag).

So, I’ve decided to put together my own team. Call your bookies babes, cause we’re bringing home some dubs. Meet V’s starting 11:

Quarterback: Coach L, the man never disappoints.

Tight End: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Who can do anything better than him?

Running Back 1: A literal rock. LMAO, we’ll take it. It can’t get any worse.

Running Back 2: Host Dale McLean. This man has an excessive amount of energy whilst hyping up a half empty Hard Rock, so let’s put that energy to use. An added point: McLean most certainly has a killer celebratory touchdown dance.

Wide Receiver 1: The Dining Hall Guy. IYKYK. See @RedCupCanes for details.

Wide Receiver 2: The guy who juggles an assortment of balls along US1. Man knows his balls.

Center: Sebastian the Ibis. LaSt To LeAvE, firSt To ReTuRn.

Right Guard: Starbucks employees. Hold on to your pumpkin spice frappes, because these ladies won’t put up with any shit.

Left Guard: The guy who dresses in full uniform every game at Hard Rock. Showing up in 90-degree heat, in full gear every home-game, now that’s what we need in the trenches.

Right Tackle: Any frat guy who does pull-ups on the tent crossbar at a pool party. Y’all are huge bro.

Left Tackle: The Band of The Hour conductor. If they can hold the band together they can hold the O-line together.

So, what are we waiting for? Put us in, coach!