Homecoming DILFs

Dear V,

This was my first time experiencing homecoming and I loved it. But there was something that had bothered me all week. So many of the dads are total DILFs and I would love to capitalize off of that next year. What can I do?


Daddy Issues

Dear Daddy Issues,

With homecoming and family weekends past us, we’ve hit a time in the semester I like to call the daddy drought. Nothing hits my soul quite as perfectly as a sexy, tan Miami father in his Cuban link and tight UM polo shirt, and the lack of it this time of year turns the pink vibrator in my dresser into my best friend. No one can tell me it’s wrong to at least look at the menu of hot fathers parading around campus. Although I have to admit, it’s hard to see them past their wives’ poofy hair modeled after Theresa Caputo and the soul-scratching Long Island accents.

I can’t deny that for every five or so UM daddies that walk past me, staring in my direction, there’s always one that sparks a fire in me. Is it so wrong to give into your desire and let the fraternity dad from New Jersey lay down some pipe? I certainly don’t think so.

Anyone that tries to tell you they haven’t imagined what it’s like to spend a night in a South Beach oceanfront hotel suite with their roommate’s rich dad is lying. We all know UM dads have enough money to take care of themselves, so why can’t I be the object of their desire (or their sugar baby) for an evening?

UM’s array of campus daddy stereotypes should be a crime. We’ve got the New York-based J.P. Morgan executives with their tight business pants that show everything I need to know from the back. There’s the Spanish, Ricky Martin-esque daddies whose sauntering hips make me quiver on the spot. And who can forget about the fathers of the football players. Their sons don’t get their skills on and off the field from nowhere, and I’m willing to enter the game as a tight end.

So no, fantasize all you’d like, because I’m certainly doing the same.