Semester of celibacy

V’s Take is The Miami Hurricane’s most controversial and longest-running column. It is a satirical work published weekly by students and for students. Using our generation’s “colorful” language to address all things sex, love and gossip on campus, V is not for the politically correct or easily offended.

Dear V,

This semester is kicking my ass. I work as hard as I can for the same results, mediocre grades and no idea of what I actually want to do when I graduate. I thought my junior year would be the best yet, but now I’m so busy that I haven’t had sex in six months. What can I do to set my stress aside and finally get laid?

Dear Reader,

I hear you, and not just in the way your friends hear your complaints about how busy you are. Believe it or not, I too have been feeling the stress and missing my sex, and outside of nightly self guided tours of my own genitalia, it’s been a semester of celibacy for your friend V.

But before you resign yourself to a life of isolation, try to put everything in perspective. Leave the guilt and anxiety that involuntary, or maybe better to call it accidental, celibacy can cause behind. Once you stop thinking of sex as some obligation you have to fulfill to be accepted by the people around you and start acknowledging it as a way two people can better get to know each other, if they so choose, you might find yourself less pained by the fact that it’s been a while.

At the end of the day, not everybody can ride every other person they meet at a bar like a bucking bronco without exchanging so much as a first name. Everyone is different, and the only way to really figure out what you need to do to get laid is to ask yourself what you want. If you just want to remind yourself what a naked body looks like, or feels like, for that matter, then I’d refer you to local institutions like BT’s or LaBare, depending on your venereal preference.

Or maybe you could spend your Friday night in Wynwood instead of your bed- the millionaires at SpaceX don’t have to be the only amateurs to go to Space this year. Or just watch some porn- I don’t think I have to be much more specific than that, although I’ll say the rise of step-sibling erotica is somewhat disturbing and might be a dealbreaker for any promiscuous Catholics looking to give the dark side a try.

But if none of this sounds like the answer for you, don’t despair, just give it time. Put yourself out there, talk to people, find new hobbies and make some friends. You might not get laid during your first intramural tennis practice, but you need a partner to have sex, and what starts as an afternoon of sweat and balls might have a similar ending a few weeks down the road.

Living in the age of insecurity, social media and crippling anxiety, all you can really do is think hard about what you want, put yourself out there and remember that these things take time, and you have plenty of it.