Letter to freshmen

V’s Take is The Hurricane’s most controversial and longest-running column. It is a satirical work published weekly by students and for students. Using our generation’s “colorful” language to address all things sex, love and gossip on campus, V is not for the politically correct or easily offended.

Like the first hair sprouting from a prepubescent nipple, the first class spent carefully concealing the curving bulge exploding from your jeans or like the first trip to your school counselor for a trial-by-fire lesson on biology and self care, the sudden move from your parents house to life as a private and independent person can be… uncomfortable.

While new students at the University of Miami are unlikely to experience their first boner while walking down the campus Breezeway, they are embarking on a journey of self discovery rivaled in significance only by the first throes of adolescent sexual frustration. And although Sebastian the Ibis, or whoever’s wearing the suit this year, won’t be the one giving you a heartfelt lesson on how to use a tampon after you stain your new white jeans at Oasis, V is here to give you some words of wisdom before you start your journey away from pale and pimpled high school lovers and down the road to anal beads and tan bodies with 4 percent body fat.

Yes ladies and gentleman, V is back with a whole new bag of tricks, dicks, clits and pricks to satisfy all of your genital needs in TMH’s only regular column on all things sex. As we start the first fully-in person semester since the beginning of the pandemic, I would like to take the time and remind you all what I am here for: to answer all the questions that come on the journey from insecure freshman to bonafide dominatrix. Having said that, with a new crop of bright eyed freshmen on campus, I feel it is my duty to highlight the less glamorous aspects of your first weeks at UM.

College can seem like an intimidating and unwelcoming place before you realize that all the kids you think have it figured out are likely just as lost and confused as you are. Relationships, sexual or not, are often formed at random based on proximity and looks, and the fight to fit into groups that you might not naturally belong to could drive anyone insane. Couple this with the fact that you are going through one of the biggest changes in your life during a global pandemic, and you can see why so many new students spend their evenings frantically texting mom to see if it’s too late for a refund instead of awkwardly approaching prospective friends on the IM field. But rather than panicking at this sudden confrontation with the unfamiliar, I urge you to take a big step back and consider why you came to college in the first place: to escape your parents and find yourself. I should probably say to get a degree, but you wouldn’t read V’s take for study tips unless they involved vaginal flash cards.

But really, only after you settle in, move out, and start the process over again can you truly appreciate the fact that every big dude with a tribal tattoo is, whether he knows it or not, just as insecure as the sniffly kid that reports you after your first night out with your friends. Yes, as hard as it is to believe, your new roommate Zeke, who drives a BMW and wears tinted sunglasses from the dollar store, is fighting to conceal his nerves just as hard as you are. And while his female counterparts may talk a similarly big game, Cindy’s boyfriend from home is much more likely packing footlongs at his local Subway than housing one downstairs. If you find yourself in a struggle to win the approval of someone who doesn’t care to make sure you are happy, then I urge you to step away from the game, take a deep breath, and maybe find a hobby or two that can distract and fulfill you when you are tired of pretending to listen to someone talk about how stressed they are.

When you’ve finally climbed the mountain of self assurance and stopped considering what people might think when making decisions about your life, that’s when the door to new friends and passions will open. And while I can preach about being confident and loving yourself, I must add that, perhaps most importantly, when your roommate with a dust allergy and case of water that you can’t touch complains about you coming home too late, consider inviting him out instead of talking shit behind his back. Then, the next time you take a can of ginger ale when he’s not home, he may consider leaving the RA out of it. I know the content of this column wasn’t very sex-centric, but in order to find your erotic self, you must be willing to think about who you are and who you want to be. College is a great time to shift your perspective, and as you enter this new chapter in your life, find what makes you happy and grab it, whether it’s a telescope and a comic book or a big ol’ dick-and-balls