The top-tier fraternities’ brotherly love is reinforced by proverbs such as, “If you snitch, I snitch.” This code of conduct will apply to those hosting continuous illegal parties on-and off-campus during a worldwide pandemic.
Not to mention the females who attend with their orange skin sweating desperation. They must have contracted the virus beforehand because they clearly lack taste.
Well recently, I have been diagnosed with a bad case of the tattle tongue. It’s like I’m Tekashi 6ix9ine, and I just took a seat in the courtroom. It’s kind of weird how the only time you see frat boys in suits, they’re always called the “defendant.”
With my taste still intact, I’m about to snitch.
SIGMA PHI EPSILON
These little boys decided the best way to celebrate their recovery from the coronavirus was to throw a massive house party on the night of Sept. 3.
With allegedly more than 100 maskless students in attendance, Sigma Phi Epsilon was never known for their brains. The only thing they put on their applications for rush is drool. A brother reportedly reassured a female student, “My friends and I already had it, so it’s fine.”
The beautiful minds called the event “Postgame for Corona.”
SIGMA ALPHA EPSILON
A cease and desist order can’t stop these obnoxious jabronis from endangering the state of the university. It’s not their fault they are from New Jersey. They still think safe sex is putting signs on the animals that kick.
A few of their parties have been thrown at frat row with no interference. By simply placing tarp over their windows, the predominately white frat is practically invisible to the University of Miami Police Department. Our on-campus piggies would have been better off making sure party guests show their Daily Symptom Checker at the door.
PI KAPPA PHI
Pioneers of their time, the beloved Pi Kapp reportedly has been hosting major parties since before the fall semester was in session.
“It was literally so stupid,” a sophomore in attendance shared. “There were so many people. I definitely got COVID there.”
Just like the bottles of beer they chug, these people are empty from the neck up.
SIGMA CHI
Allegedly, these classified stoners have been throwing a little more than a few kick backs. It’s the same sh*t, different frat.
“These frats are basically immune to getting kicked off of campus because of their history and alumni donations,” a junior shared. “Mid-tier frats aren’t throwing parties because they know they aren’t invincible and would get kicked off immediately.”
To these sons of Karens and anti-maskers reading this, have no fear. Call daddy and have him write a big fat check to Sebastian. Just like putting tarp over the windows, it’s like it never happened.
Love,
V
V’s Take is The Miami Hurricane’s longest-running humor column covering love, sex and gossip at the University of Miami.