Affirmative Action for tops

Another year at the U brings another round of diverse and new faces. Football players and frat boys alike are preying on the eager and endless fresh meat, or freshmen girls, that make up the class of 2024. And yes, I know. Not all football players and frat boys are bad. It’s a joke. Not a political statement.

I’m not going to rag on the toxic heterosexuality that breeds in all college communities. V does it for the girls and the gays and that’s it. Period. We can get into all the other bullsh*t later.

Among the new set of students, are a new batch of baby gays. Logging on to Tinder or Grindr on the first day of school is like Christmas morning. The excitement stems from the prospect of new friendships, relationships and sexual partners in which the LGBTQ+ community is already so limited.

However, another year at the U has brought another round of disappointment to my fellow queers. The twink population has outgrown a sustainable environment. If the gay community of the University of Miami were a grocery store, almost every single aisle would be packed with cavity-inducing Hostess Twinkies. My teeth ache with the thought of their lack of body hair, white Converse sneakers and Keebler Elf personas.

This is a call for action. A modern-day gay manifesto. How many bottoms will the university accept until they realize the blatant discrepancy in inclusion for other positions among sexualities? I can no longer stand by and watch bottoms cry for a compatible sexual partner, filling their douches with their tears. Leaving the verses with no other option but to top is like telling Hannah Montana she can only be Miley.

President Julio Frenk, undergraduate admissions and fellow canes, I am asking for the consideration of affirmative action for tops. I know it is too late for Fall 2020, but there is still hope for the spring semester. Please help us bring joy back into the gay community. Enough is enough. #TopTheU