You’re still a virgin?

Dear V,

It’s my freshman year of college and I’m still a virgin. It’s not like I’ve avoided sex, but it just wasn’t one of my priorities. Sex doesn’t even seem like a big deal to me. I just don’t want to be judged. What should I do?


The 18-year old Virgin

Dear 18-year old Virgin,

The most extraordinary part of college is that you are about to enter a space where no one knows who you are. Finally, you are independent enough to spin your own narrative. Whether that entails the truth or not is at your own discretion.

Am I telling you to lie? Maybe. I’ve told my share of tall tales in order to avoid some judgement here and there, but unless you’ve got some Gemini in you, these tales could snowball into a deceitful snowball of self-destruction. So, if you are going to lie, keep it reasonable and short.

There is a possibility that you will find yourself laid on top of some cheap waterbed this semester, anxious that your partner is about to realize you are more of a cherry float then a seasoned expert. Keep in mind that these sexual expectations do not have to be fulfilled. The social construct of virginity requiring some kind of penetration is just an excuse to endure some boring missionary for six minutes to join the “big boys club.”

Remember in 2017, when that teen model auctioned off her virginity for $2.9 million dollars? I could probably start selling my own sloppy seconds for at least $38 a pop with that kind of evaluation. This weird analysis of a person’s sexual history as if it adds or detracts value to the human being should die with the other sexist, racist and homophobic ideals the Baby Boomer Generation expected us to follow.

Nothing is actually “lost” the first time you have sex. You just get to be horny and gross with another person instead of yourself for a change.

Regardless of your loss of your virginity or not, you’ll always have the same box it came in.