SPOTTED: Sex on the IM fields

Nothing like the most romantic holiday of the year to set the mood, especially for the two formally-dressed students who brought their assumed after-crush party to the IM fields. An anonymous freshman reported witnessing a porno come to life late Valentine’s night.

It didn’t take long for the amaeteur exhibitionists to shift from foreplay on the gliders to laying some extra pipe near the construction site. Illuminated by the lights, students outside of Stanford could discern a mostly naked male intensely grinding into an almost nude female.

“His stroke game was really good,” the spectator spilled. “He was doing the worm with his entire body. Like damn, okay.”

Not disappointing the crowd with some basic missionary, the pair put on a captivating performance any BFA student would envy. Switching positions to cowgirl, face-riding, 69, reverse cowgirl and even inventing a new position somewhere between the chairman and the back seat driver.

The sprinklers were on full blast making the situation even wetter, just like that kiss scene in “High School Musical 2,” except disgusting.

“Every ten minutes the sprinklers would hit them, which had to be uncomfortable considering they were already in the sand,” the witness further explained.

With at least ten people reported to be coincidental voyeurs, the live-action adult film wannabes were completely aware of their audience.

“They looked over and knew we were there,” the observer added. “It was like a show, and all I wanted was to grab my movie theater popcorn.”

A few brave students on bikes attempted to interrupt the passion, but immediately turned back once they realized the couple had no intention of stopping.

After the x-rated activities ended, the duo returned to the glider, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and sparked up. The unbothered Canes laughed as The Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex” blasted from a spectator’s speakers.

“It takes a lot of balls. I couldn’t believe they willingly exposed themselves to everyone,” the inside source confessed. While public sex is a misdemeanor, the greatest crime committed that night was me masturbating alone in my room when I could have witnessed something truly special.