Six sex positions to try if you are toxic this Valentine’s Day

When You Want to See That Person You Shouldn’t

Have you ever talked so much sh*t about a person to your friends and family that there is no redeeming their character? Give them a call to invite them back into your life! Whether they answer or not, you will be emotionally f*cked in an instant.

When You Matched on Tinder

Desperate times call for desperate measures. An app you used only for attention has become your last resort for anything to happen this Valentine’s Day. This sex position can be achieved in almost every way, except for having to face the stranger you just met an hour ago.

When You Just Got Dumped

Remember that old hook up you ghosted when you got into a relationship? Send them a Snapchat within 24 hours of the breakup to make sure they know you have no class. Close your eyes, imagine someone else and f*ck up the perception of your own self worth.

When You Have a Crush on Your Best Friend

Valentine’s Day can inspire those to take the risk of asking a close friend for some extra-friendly loving. Loosen up with a few drinks, get in the bathtub and f*ck yourself over as you throw away the gift of platonic companionship because you are horny.

When You Aren’t Over Your Ex

It’s been a long time, but you haven’t felt a love like that since it ended. Change all the Snapchat usernames in your phone to their name and pretend they never left. Make sure you have stamina because this position is bound to f*ck you for years.

When It’s Another Meaningless Hook Up

This Thursday’s night out at the Grove transforms into the most romantic day of the year, after the clock strikes 12. Once your dance partner mentions that they have their own place, try not to act disappointed when it’s a single in Stanford Rosborough. The only position you will have to worry about is in the line to use the community bathroom.