Hooking up with frat boys

There is a haunting memory I have of a drunken freshman boy knocking on my door to see the girl he was in love with. I was not that girl, but she did happen to be in my dorm that night. After stumbling in, he began to overshare his experience with rushing our fraternities that spring.

He recalled being sat into an open suitcase across from the recruiters, while two scantily dressed girls proceeded to touch him. A series of questions then followed, including asking for opinions, like who the most f**kable freshman girl is, and surprisingly, a math problem. If you had to f**k two girls and their ages added up to 18, what ages would you choose?

I was absolutely disgusted. However, we still turn our heads to the blatant immoral attitudes of some of our fraternities. Well boys, you can’t get away with everything. You may haze your pledges with fingers crossed that administration won’t find out, but I have no problem doing it publicly. Also, to that poor drunk freshman, I hooked up with your girl like two weeks later.

I won’t name names or even frats. The point of this article is to start a real conversation about the hookup culture on campus, alongside a laugh. Also, calm down. I already know your father is a lawyer. This is an anonymous hook up column, so suck on my dick and my balls.

A story of betrayal unfolded at an infamous pool party, when a junior was invited by a brother she had been talking to. He invited her and her friend to enjoy some Miami snow upstairs. She denied the offer, only to find out that once he brought her friend upstairs, he tried to make a move on her. After confronting him, he explained his sudden disinterest, “It’s because you won’t do coke.”

Speaking of pool parties, here is some advice. If you attend a pool party this semester, don’t get into the clearly infectious water. You know those boys don’t add chlorine in there, and surviving sorority girl vaginas have produced enough yeast to open up a bakery after one naive dip.

After a night of heavy drinking required to make any frat party bearable, a sophomore invited a frat star over for some midnight hokey pokey. Not allowing a case of whiskey dick to deter him, he proceeded to put a condom on his soft penis and attempt sex with her for six hours. This sad attempt of shoving his toothless mole rat into a burrow eventually made her grow tired, while he grew nothing.

Both toxically masculine and a little bit gay, fraternity homoerotic tension isn’t anything to be embarrassed of. Reportedly, one brother demanded that his partner give his ass a tight squeeze and begged for more when she stopped. Y’all really trying to get your cheeks clapped so bad I’m starting to think you enjoyed the paddle.

Frat boys, I know some of you are the finest gentlemen of this country and can’t believe what you’re reading. Keep your brothers in check because I will say it again: you can’t get away with everything. You may get off to girls calling you “daddy,” but you bitches are my sons.

Your Daddy,