How to schedule a d*ck appointment

Dear V,

There is this guy I used to hook up with a lot in the beginning of fall, and the sex was incredible. Between studying for exams and going home for breaks, we haven’t been getting busy as much as I’d like to. How do I reconnect with him for some finals week stress relief?


Horny and Stressed

Dear Horny and Stressed,

Being college students means we must keep track of appointments our parents used to handle, whether it be academic advising or visits to the health center. However, there is a type of appointment that your mom definitely should not be involved with. This appointment won’t lead you to frantically rearrange your class schedule in the spring and won’t end in finding out you have meningitis. You are going to have to schedule a dick appointment.

With exam season in full swing, there is no time for games. A dick appointment is the most efficient and direct way in getting the action you so desperately crave. Simply craft a text that states, “I would like to make a dick appointment. What time works best for you?”

I myself have a clit appointment scheduled this weekend with someone I met over fall break. Our first encounter was in St. Augustine, and her vagina is the only Fountain of Youth worth revisiting. There are no mixed signals regarding what’s going down, and it’s incredibly refreshing.

There are many reasons I stand behind the dick appointment. It promotes direct communication, which has unfortunately become a lost art form. Since you already have an established sexual relationship, there is no reason for him to find the message weird or unexpected.

Get inspired by Art Basel this weekend and make your pussy the exhibit. Once the time and location is arranged, there is nothing more to do than look forward to that much needed study break. This will also give you some time to channel your inner sex goddess and make sure your genitals aren’t looking like the arboretum.

Just text him. I promise you won’t be dickappointed.