Beware of the horse girl

Dear V,

I just got out of a 4 year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Jumping back into the dating pool, I am worried that I’m too off my game to recognize the most obvious red flags. Any types of girls I should make an effort to steer clear from?


Ready For Action

Dear Ready For Action,

Like a penis, women can make life hard for no reason. The complications of a female brain make it difficult to recognize who isn’t psychotic. This doesn’t mean that men are any less frustrating, just more simple minded. We won’t even need them once a woman invents a vibrator that can mow the lawn.

Now that I have evened the playing field a bit, there are a few types of girls in college to avoid at all costs.

You will never find the love of your life on Tinder. Women practically sweat with desperation for attention on the revolting app. I wouldn’t even seek out a hookup on Tinder. Everything should happen naturally. It’s that moment of calm when you’re not even thinking about it, just happy; that’s when the right girl will burst into your life like a hurricane.

New forms of self-expression and female identities have entered the dating arena: e-girls and VSCO girls. You can easily identify an e-girl with a cross hung around her neck ironically like a sad, bisexual version of “The Fault In Our Stars.” Different from VSCO girls, who are built like a reusable straw that sucks the fun out of everything. Entertaining a trend won’t last, so find yourself a classic.

Being a horse girl is a congenital illness. You don’t even need a horse to have horse girl energy. One time I went to the wellness center and saw one galloping on the treadmill. Read my next words carefully: She is the female equivalent to the bubonic plague.