Take it slow: don’t sleep through all the freshmen

Legend has it that every August, dating apps are flooded with a naive and inexperienced, yet extremely horny creature – the college freshman.

It’s not a legend, it’s the truth. My Tinder, Hinge and Bumble are literally exclusively showing guys from the class of 2022. (Oh yeah, V is single again. I’m blocking it out because #healthycopingmechanisms, but I’ll explain more next week.)

These kids’ profiles scream naivety – photos of their prom date, the first time they had a beer at after prom, their college visit.

It’s not hard to forget that they were in high school just a few months ago. But now that they’re at the U, the class of 2022 better get ready to give V the D.

They are seemingly easy targets for a hookup: away from home, experiencing freedom for the first time and emotionally fragile. One can assume they may even catch feelings for the hot upperclassmen who will show them what college is all about. (Awkard missionary sex in Twin XL bed, in case you’re wondering.)

While the first few weeks of the semester are great for a lovely come and go, you may want to pace yourself. There are more than 2,000 new students at the U, but the Tinder swipes will eventually run out.

Here are some words of wisdom from someone who knows – pace yourself. Do not sleep through the entire freshman class in your first few weeks back at school. Moderation is key.

There is nothing worse than lying in your residential college bed, changing your Tinder preferences to men aged 18-65+ who are 50+ miles away just to get attention. Stay away from 30-year-old lawyers who live in Palm Beach, my friends.

Take things slow and maybe even make a friendship. Although new students mean new orgasm opportunities, they can also be new friends!

Sure, take advantage of the condom buckets in the lobbies of Hecht and Stanford. Just don’t do it so much that you are out of options in a few weeks.

Do you have a question for V, or want to be her new special freshman friend? Email dearv@themiamihurricane.com