Sex: There’s an app for that

It’s almost spring! The birds and the bees are buzzing, the flowers are blooming and a new cycle of life has begun – making all of us realize how dead we truly are on the inside. The best way to fill the void in your heart (and to fill other body cavities) is to find a bae on a dating app. Here’s my definitive ranking, from worst to best:

Plenty of Fish

First off, I’m allergic to shellfish so I don’t think I can be exposed to all the fish in the sea without a severe risk of anaphylactic shock.

Anyway, this app (and website, apparently) is popular with the older crowd looking for love, and I think that’s where it should stay. Even though it combines a Tinder-like swiping feature with a personality-based matching system, I don’t think you would actually want to meet anyone who hates themselves enough to download an app with this name.

Coffee Meets Bagel

I’m gluten sensitive, so I don’t think the bagel aspect of this app would work for me, either.

This app is basically like Tinder except you are given a currency called beans, and it costs beans to chat and match with people. Again, it’s aimed more toward adults, but we youths are apparently getting more desperate.

Also, beans sound suspiciously close to nuts, as in, “Hello attractive girl, I have busted 20 nuts to talk to you right now. Please notice me.” Yikes.


I’m sure you’ve already guessed it – yep, I’m allergic to bees.

This is like the Sadie Hawkins Dance of dating apps because the females have to message the males first (hi, heteronormativity, I didn’t see ya there). I also assume that much like this app, Sadie Hawkins Dances have a horrid yellow color scheme.

So go ahead, Sarah, message Brad, because we know that he is all you are going to talk about for the next several months. But he’s going to break your heart, boo. Men like this app for a reason: they can swipe n’ snooze until you make the move.


As CupcakKe once said, “F*** out my way when you see me, I’m rollin’ with the LGBT.” That’s how I feel about the gay hookup apps Grindr and Her.

I find the whole concept really interesting. If you’re attractive, you basically get on-demand sex. If you’re unattractive, you call yourself “generou$$” and offer attractive guys and ladies money for on-demand sex. Capitalism is a good thing, my friends.

Just don’t catch feelings because even though “DL Frat BroJob” has also caught feelings, he’ll never show it.


Swipe to the left. Swipe to the right. (Criss-cross!) Swipe into a deep depression because no one you like swipes right on you.

In my opinion, Tinder is where dating apps began, so it is where V will end this list.

Just remember to lie to your parents about where you met your bae. Pretty soon, after you have been lying to other people for so long, you’ll probably start to believe it yourself.

What did I leave off this list? Let me know by emailing