Satire: Popularity of debate drinking games causes concern for student health

Samuel Montero // Contributing Photographer

In anticipation for the third and final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, UHealth has issued the following statement to students:

“We are aware of the popular drinking games associated with the presidential debates. It is our responsibility as both health professionals and concerned members of the University of Miami community to warn students of the immense danger these games represent.

Please do not take a sip every time Donald Trump says, ‘Believe me,’ threatens to imprison Hillary Clinton, responds to a question about sexual assault with his plan to punch ISIS, blatantly interrupts Clinton, or assumes that every African-American citizen in the country lives in the ‘inner cities.’

Please do not take a sip every time Hillary Clinton enthusiastically tells us to go to, drops the fact that Michelle Obama is her very good friend, or reminisces about her father’s work in the textile business.

Absolutely do not finish your drink every time a candidate clearly has no intention of answering the question, every time Clinton’s emails are mentioned, or every time you can hear Paul Ryan audibly crying.

Zika has literally been in South Florida for months and we are more worried about debate drinking games than any other health threat at the moment.”

This statement comes after multiple students reportedly sought emergency care for liver failure after the Oct. 9th debate. One student, who asked to remain anonymous, said that, “We had to take a drink every time our faith in America took a noticeable hit. I myself went through an entire handle.”

An official from PIER 21, the Dean of Students Office’s alcohol abuse prevention program, stated that presidential debate drinking games are the biggest threat to campus safety he’s ever seen.

“You can’t just take a shot after every time Hillary Clinton plugs her website. You will die.”

Although university officials have ardently warned against the dangers of politically themed drinking, they have stated that it is okay to pop a bottle of champagne every time America’s sweetheart Kenneth Bone is mentioned.

“We all need this right now.”

Conner Barrett is a sophomore majoring in political science.