Embrace the miracle of Thanksgivukkah

As a Jewish American, I have had the pleasure of celebrating both Thanksgiving and Hanukkah each year. But for the only time in my life, these two holidays will fall on the same day. I might not live long enough to experience it again because I’m still waiting on Harry to come back with my sorcerer’s stone. Until then, “Thanksgivukkah,” is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that everyone should enjoy.

I know what most of you are thinking: “All this means is we get that annoying ‘Dreidel Dreidel’ song out of the way before Christmas.” But I’m here to tell you otherwise. We can all have the privilege of being able to embrace two of the best holidays simultaneously.

Now, technically, most of you aren’t Jewish. However, I am not Christian, yet I will still have to buy my girlfriend(s) a Christmas, Valentine’s Day and second Valentine’s Day present – so it’s only fair that gentiles embrace our culture, too.

Fortunately, it will be easy to combine said occasions. Consider the food. Hanukkah offers a wide range of fine Jewish cuisine that starts and ends with latkes. Don’t worry, they’re delicious. All you have to do is plop some shredded potatoes on a frying pan and then drown them in applesauce. Set those bad boys inside of a turkey, and you will have the most scrumdiddlyumptious stuffing ever.

Next, practice the sacred Hanukkah tradition of playing dreidel. Schlep over to your local synagogue and purchase wooden dreidels (spinning tops) and gelt (chocolate coins). Then, obtain a large bowl and place all of the dreidels inside to display on your counter, and eat every single piece of chocolate without playing any games. This activity is a must for the kids’ table.

Finally, there’s the menorah. A menorah is a candle holder that comfortably fits nine candles (eight for each night and a ninth for lighting all the others). How can this be combined with America’s rich tradition of turkey and football? Before igniting the candles, slip all of the drunk uncles’ car keys onto the menorah, so it can act as a key holder. After lighting it, the intoxicated family members won’t be able to drink and drive because Mighty Menorah will set them to flames.

Clearly, Thanksgivukkah is an impeccable Jew stew that fuses Hanukkah’s best assets with the classic Thanksgiving feast. There is no reason for anyone to ignore this opportunity. So, please, have a great Thanksgivukkah, everybody, and stay kosher, San Diego/Miami.

Danny New is a freshman majoring in broadcast journalism.