Cut corners, costs

Now a month into the semester, your funds are dwindling. Why can’t Jamba Juice be free? Why do you always forget how much parking will cost you? Fear not. This guide will help you save cash and get filthy rich in no time.

Go dumpster diving.

Afraid of getting dirty? Who are you kidding? You’ve been to frat parties.

Stop using laundry detergent.

Who needs laundry detergent when there are soap dispensers all over campus? You own Tupperware. Stock up

Make your own protein powder.

Think like your ancient ancestors and rely on the natural world to help you achieve that coveted frat look, rather than GMC. How much protein is in grass? How much protein is in a lizard? What about gravel? You have a blender. Discover what works best, and don’t tell your friends when you find out.

Shave your head.

Shampoo, conditioner and hair products get expensive. Haircuts get expensive, too. So just rid yourself of hair entirely.

Help yourself at restaurants.

There’s no rule against helping yourself to as many napkins as you need. The same goes for ketchup packets. When you leave the table, shove enough creamers into your purse to fill up a milk glass at home. Pockets are for salt and pepper packets. Bras should be stuffed with aspartame-free sugar.

Save your bucks at the bar.

Bring your own pint in a flask, order a Coke and mix yourself a drink. The bartender can use a break. And don’t try to impress anyone by buying them drinks. You’ll be enjoying your considerably cheaper beverage, laughing at everyone who hasn’t yet figured out how to save money like a grown up.

Hunter Wright is a sophomore majoring in creative writing.