Dear V: It’s the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat…

Dear V,

About a month ago I started dating this really great girl. Everything has been going fantastic and she’s much better than my previous girlfriends, but I feel like there’s something that I’m not and cannot bring to the relationship that has caused me some minor confidence problems in the past. My umm, “equipment” is not very big. It’s not really, really small but I know from measuring it that it is at least an inch or two below average. Do girls really care about this? Or is this just an old wives tale? I don’t want to lose her because I can’t satisfy her the way most men can. Please help!


Half mast, at full mast

Dear Short Round,

Your question is a bit of a double-edged sword. While in magazine polls, women consistently claim that size does not matter, the women that I have spoken to believe there should be an asterisk after that answer. But I’ve been told it doesn’t matter as much as many men think it does. You may think you have a pickle on your hands, but from what I know from girls I’ve spoken to – while they don’t want a giant Rhino cock, they also don’t want what might be found underneath a South Carolina Gamecock.

In your case, you’ll probably be okay. Only those suffering from micro penis get the short end of the stick here (bazing!), which from your information, doesn’t appear to be the case. Don’t get desperate and start buying “Extenze” or penis pumps. Firstly, they don’t work (trust me), and secondly, if your roommate finds that stuff, you’ll never hear the end of it. You can’t help how well Mr. Bojangles does on the sit and reach test, so you need to look to improve other things, namely your sexual performance.

If you give your girl an orgasm, your penis size will be as relevant to your love life as the instructions to the game “Mouse Trap” (admit it readers, you bought that game because of the cool contraption, you didn’t give a crap about the rules). Do some research on how to achieve an orgasm for her. Satisfying le petite cherie during intercourse will make her love every inch of your petite cherie. Think of yourself as “The Skipper,” it’s your job to navigate the waters with your knowledge of the sea, and if you depend on your “Little Buddy” too much, you’ll wind up on a deserted island..

According to the abstract conventions of love we created in order to limit our self-loathing, if she really loves you, she won’t care that your turkey baster is a compact model. Remember, you’ll be spending more time together not having sex than having it, so if she can stand your personality, you’re already doing better than someone with a third leg who has the personality of a sea cucumber.


If none of this advice works just start using a strap-on,


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