Editor’s Note: This is a fake, parody article. None of the information or people in the article are true or real.
This article is part of The Miami Hurricane’s April Fools Edition, and was written to remind our readers how easily misinformation can spread and how important it is to question what you’re reading.
Students walking to the Wednesday market on April 1 were met with a shocking sight: The familiar smell of Hibachi bowls and fresh produce had been replaced by an unmistakable cloud of grilled meat and the buzzing of Nutribullet Pro 900s.
The Wednesday Market has officially been replaced by Gainsday Market, a new protein‑obsessed pop‑up market run by two UM fraternities: Pi Kappa Beta and Alpha Zau Chi, who announced the takeover late Tuesday night.
The change affects the long‑standing weekly market that once brought local vendors to campus selling fruit, pastries and handmade goods. Now, the space is filled with high‑protein meals and gym‑rat drinks that look like they were designed by someone who has never tasted sugar.
One of the featured items at Gainsday Market is Pi Beta’s signature dish, the “Ultimate Bulk Bowl,” a meal that looks less like lunch and more like a dare.
The bowl is built with 11 ounces of unseasoned grilled chicken and a scoop of tilapia flakes added “for texture.” There’s also a half hard‑boiled egg chopped into microscopic pieces, quinoa measured to the gram, a drizzle of “liquid protein concentrate” that smells faintly like metal and three almonds placed on top “for aesthetic balance.”
Pi Beta junior and cashier John “Jimbo” Smith said the bowl is “engineered for maximum gains,” though he admitted he hasn’t actually eaten one.
“We calculated the macros down to the decimal,” Smith said. “It’s like 74 grams of protein, zero-sugar and no carbs. But that’s the point. If you’re tasting things, you’re not bulking hard enough.”
Many students who relied on the original Wednesday Market for a midweek treat were stunned by the transformation.
Sophomore business major Tirley Shemple said she felt “personally attacked” when she realized her favorite taco stand had been replaced by a table stacked with vacuum‑sealed chicken breasts.
“I used to come here for birria taco dates with my roommate,” Shemple said. “Now, everything smells like a gym bag. I don’t want to consume 40 grams of protein before noon. I want carbs and joy.”
Pi Beta’s meals are prepared by Gary F. Elld, a 67‑year‑old house cook who says he “found his calling in protein science.” Elld, a former roadside vendor who once ran a stand selling only turkey legs and raw chickpeas, treats Gainsday Market like a personal mission.
“I’ve dedicated my life to helping these boys grow,” Elld said while dusting chicken with creatine. He wakes up at 4 a.m. every Wednesday to prepare the meats, insisting he’s “here to build men, not serve salads.”
Alpha Chi is responsible for the market’s core item: the “Breakfast‑Basic Shake,” a beige, frothy blend.
The shake includes two scoops of whey, instant coffee grounds, half a banana, sugar‑free Monster, three gummy vitamins, a spoonful of warm egg whites, and “one mystery ingredient chosen daily by the brotherhood.”
Clay Brewis, a junior in Alpha Chi who was aggressively promoting the drink to people walking by, insisted it’s “the perfect morning starter.”
“If you don’t like it, your discipline is the problem,” Brewis said.
The UM fraternities’ Gainsday Market will open again on April 8. Check the fraternity’s Instagram every Wednesday morning to see what’s on the menu and how much protein you’ll be getting.