Duo Mobile is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Photo credit: Roberta Macedo

I’ve taken a lot of L’s in my life. That being said, waiting for Duo Mobile to verify that I really am who I say I am is at the top of the list.

Duo Mobile was hired by the University of Miami to be the bouncer of the club which is our email. The issue is that no UM students, as far as I know, are working for the CIA. Therefore, our accounts aren’t that interesting and I find Duo Mobile unnecessary.

Now this would be easy for someone who’s never been hacked before to say, but unluckily for me, I frequently get scammed. I am borderline overqualified to speak on the topic.

I used to be just like the rest of you. I ran such a professional Instagram account that you would’ve thought I was an influencer.

One day I received an Instagram direct message that would change my life forever. I received a link from a foe to vote for them as an ambassador and so I pressed on it. The very next thing I knew, I was logged out of my account for what would be the last time my Instagram handle was cal__chap. From that day on, my account was cal___chap (yes, with three underscores, like a fool) and sold bitcoins on my Instagram story.

My Facebook suffered a similar fate. Somewhere along the line Mark Zuckerburg and the gang decided if I ever wanted to see the cringey photos my mother posts of me with a caption that makes no sense, then I would need to verify that it really is me.

So, I did what had to be done. I sent them a picture of my passport and license. To my surprise, my account was still locked. So, naturally, I tried again.

To this day I can’t get into my account. With no Facebook and no Instagram, I can still be reached on LinkedIn. Please though, only reach out to me with serious business inquiries.

I’m just going to say what’s been on all our minds. Duo Mobile is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I just want to know where my class is. I’d like to ultimately turn in my assignments even if they’re a few weeks late. I want to occasionally check my email, and while I have close to no motivation to complete any of those tasks as it is, waiting only lessens it.

Okay, it’s not that I enjoy getting scammed. That being said, as someone who has been scammed before and who will surely be scammed again, I’d prefer to be scammed than try to remember the code Duo Mobile sends me.

All those times I was making friends and getting scammed, Duo Mobile wasn’t there for me. Why should I believe that now will be any different? It is time to demobilize the duo and take our odds in life.

Have I not proven time and time again that I’ll give you my password if you just ask for it? I’ll send you my passport and identification. I’ll let you sell cryptocurrency to my friends.

Let me break this down into a simple pros and cons list of life with Duo Mobile:

Pro: No scammer reads my homework and does it for me.

Con: It takes me longer to read what my homework is, thus giving me more reason to delay it.

Pro: When they send me a text with the code it seems like I have friends when my ringer goes off.

Con: I don’t actually have friends.

Pro: Nobody signs into my account and pays my semester tuition.

Con: Nobody signs into my account and pays my semester tuition.

Pro: It’s a good conversation starter. For example: “Hey, I hate duo mobile.” “YES, FINALLY SOMEONE WHO GETS IT.”

Con: That’s about as far as I can get into a conversation before I run out of dialogue and revert to constraining projectile vomit from occurring out of my face.

I’d even go as far as to say scamming builds character. Let’s just say I have more character than anyone you’ve ever met because I once handed $600 cash to two men for a speaker system in their trunk.

If Duo Mobile were there to protect me, I may have not purchased a $40 speaker system which was too risky to plug into an outlet. But I wouldn’t have had a $600 lesson, which is truly invaluable.

At this rate, soon we will have to prepare to check Blackboard and Canelink like we prepare for an international flight and give ourselves three hours to get through security. If that’s the case, then ahoy matey, because I’ll travel by sea. One point for me, zero for Duo.