An open letter to straight women

This year during Pride Month, The Miami Hurricane decided to put together guest columns for V’s Take written by LGBTQ+ members on our staff.

Okay, straight women. I have some sh*t to say.

There’s some stuff you do that’s offensive, so I’m here to clear up any confusion you’re having.

For some reason, straight women have an affinity towards treating gay men like accessories. Straight women are the only group of people I end up having this problem with, even though my friends span a wide array of genders, races and sexual orientations. Do I look like a jean jacket at Forever 21?

There are times where I’m out at a party or club and I meet a straight woman who exclaims that I am her new “gay best friend.” What does this even mean anyway? Having me as a friend should be the same as anyone else.

I seriously just met you. It’s been twenty minutes. No need to call me your best friend. I’m nowhere close to wanting to hear about how Brandon from Kappa Apple Alpha hurt you.

Just because you know one other gay person doesn’t mean I want to date them. I still don’t trust your judgment off of the fact that the only brand your boyfriend knows is Vineyard Vines.

No, I don’t want to go shopping with you. And I have no clue how to do your makeup. By these being some of the first things you bring up to me, you’re acting on stereotypes. But honestly, I could probably do way better than that unblended contour you have on.

Gay men also have boundaries you need to respect. I’m very uncomfortable when you whip out your girl parts like it’s no big deal. I don’t really like your lower female parts; that’s kind of why I’m gay.

I can’t help you with whatever straight man you’re talking to this week. Just because I share the same genitalia doesn’t mean I will ever understand why straight men act the way they do.

I can’t shop for gifts for the straight men in your life either. Your brother definitely does not want the Kim Petras vinyl album that’s on my wish list for Christmas.

Please don’t ask me to be your fake boyfriend. Straight men can be downright creepy and persistent when you turn them down, so I got you then, girl. Other than that, handle your sh*t yourself. I don’t need people to start thinking I’m straight out here.

If I ever hear you introduce me as “your gay best friend,” our friendship is over. Let’s see how you react when I start introducing you as “my straight friend Jessica” every time we go out.

Stop saying “I have a gay friend, I can’t be homophobic.” This one should be self-explanatory. If I hear it again, I might actually scream. I’m not an excuse for you to get away with something problematic you said.

Also, stop assuming I want to watch The Bachelor with you. There’s nothing I would like less than watching twenty white women fight over some guy without an upper lip.

Respect that there are some spaces and events that I will only want to be in with other queer people. I have my culture, you have yours. I don’t expect to be invited to your safe space where you cry over The Notebook and listen to Ed Sheeran.

Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I stan James Charles and Queer Eye. The fact that these are the only two things you have in your head as “gay culture” is probably a good reason why we shouldn’t be friends.

So, for all you straight women out there who are looking for your “accessory gay best friend,” think twice before you do anything mentioned above.