Satire: Szechuan sauce shortage shows why America needs “Rick and Morty”

It’s time to face the truth, America: we’re stupid. For a nation that prides itself on being an international power, our intelligence has lagged far behind. The United States lags in science, math and IQ scores.

Of course, those statistics aren’t necessary to see that our country has become a cesspool of idiocy. America proved itself to be incompetent enough when McDonald’s locations across the nation experienced severe shortages of the highly-touted Szechuan sauce, which first appeared in 1998 to promote Disney’s feature film “Mulanbut was later removed.

The limited-edition condiment, popularized by the comedy/sci-fi animated series “Rick and Morty,” returned to U.S. restaurants for a single day, Oct. 7. The sauce was met with excitement and, when it ran out, chaos.

The situation got so bad that in some locations, such as at a McDonald’s in Wellington, Florida, police had to be called to scatter angry customers.

How could this happen? Some claim it was a logistical error or miscalculation. Others blame corporate powers at the fast-food giant for failing to anticipate such a wild response.

But how can we fix the naiveté that led to these situations? The answer lies not in our educational system but in the TV masterpiece that is “Rick and Morty.”

Any user of the almighty internet can tell you that “Rick and Morty” viewers are more likely to have higher IQs. This can be attributed to the show’s extremely subtle humor, as well as its constant references to theoretical physics, nihilistic philosophies and popular culture.

But what if watching the show actually made viewers brighter? To test this theory, I decided to take a standardized exam, binge all three seasons of the show, then take a similar test afterward.

Before “Rick and Morty,” I was unable to solve even the most basic of algebraic equations. After binge-watching, I could do integral calculus in my head, transcribe entire symphonies after one listen and recite the entire screenplay of “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” in 23 minutes flat.

After completing this experiment, I have concluded that “Rick and Morty” makes viewers smarter. Trust me, now that I’m a super genius, I have a very deep understanding of the scientific method.

Imagine if the employees at your local McDonald’s had done the same thing. There would be no shortage of Szechuan sauce. There would be portals sending that sweet Szechuan sauce from the factory directly onto your 20-piece McNuggets. There would be crowds of like-minded individuals waiting to respond to your shouts of “Pickle Rick!” with cheers of companionship.

But how can we spread the good news of “Rick and Morty?” We could make it government-mandated viewing, but, instead, I propose what the geniuses of the world do best – spam Reddit and social media until the sheeple occupying most of the country can no longer ignore it.

Wake up, America. If you’re not a Rick yet, you’re going to be one soon, whether you like it or not.

Jason Donnelly is a freshman majoring in instrumental performance.

Featured photo courtesy pixabay user Alexas_Fotos.