Dear V,
The other night, I was in my apartment having some “alone time,” if you will. You know, the type with tissues, lotion and … the internet. Anyway, I was on a fairly obscure porn site that requires a paid subscription. I was getting into it and then, what do you know: there’s my girlfriend, buck-ass naked, bouncing around in a video.
The video was posted a couple of years ago, so this was before we started dating. We’ve been dating eight months.
I can’t help but feel this is something she should’ve told me about. Isn’t being in porn one of those types of secrets you’re supposed to divulge to your partner after a while? I mean, I confessed to her that my body count is really high – you’d think that would’ve opened the door for her to tell me.
What should I do? I don’t want to start a fight about this, but I honestly feel a bit lied to.
Sincerely,
Kept-in-the-dark Kevin
Dear Kevin,
Whoa, that’s a biggie. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being in the sex industry – it is an industry, after all – and we don’t want to fall down the slippery slope of slutshaming.
That said, you’re right. This is one of those things that she should’ve eventually told you, perhaps at the two or three-month mark. That’s not to say she should’ve divulged the dirty details the moment she met you. I can just imagine that first date:
“So, what do you like to do in your free time?”
“Well, I’m in porn. Y’know, orgy, POV, bondage, stuff like that.”
Yeah, no. But, if you’ve opened up to her about your own baggage, she should reciprocate. However, I wouldn’t consider this a bold-faced lie, but rather a lie by omission. Perhaps she really needed the money and was in the video out of desperation, or maybe it’s just a part of her life she’d like to leave behind. I doubt it was an intentionally malicious lie, so don’t feel that she was hiding it to hurt you. It’s much more likely she was hiding it to protect herself.
At some point, you’ll have to talk to her about it. If you keep it a secret that you found the video, you’re doing the same thing you’re upset that she did. But don’t go all-out and confront her angrily. This isn’t the same type of lying as cheating or stealing from you.
Just be honest and tell her you found the video, and see where the conversation flows from there. And hey, maybe down the line you two can film your own home video and forget all about this one.
– V