Dear V: How slow should I go…


I started dating a guy I met this past summer from back home who graduated from the University of Miami and still lives and works in Miami. We reconnected once I got back to Miami and hit it off. We are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend and have been for almost a month now. We both want to “take things slow.” What does this mean though? How slow is slow? Simply, how long should I wait to have sex (intercourse) with him? Should I talk to him about it? HELP! 

Keeping It Classy


Dear Slowpoke,

You shouldn’t feel like you have to clarify that sex is intercourse. We’re all adults here. The best thing to do is talk to him, but if you can’t even write the word sex with confidence to an anonymous person writing a column in a newspaper, you won’t be able to talk to him about this in person. Get over saying the taboo “s-word” and then read the rest of this answer.

In my experience, “taking it slow” means, “I’m not sure if I like you yet, so I need an opportunity for an out in case I really, really hate you.”

This probably isn’t your case.

If you’re worried that he’ll leave you because you won’t have sex with him, you should probably leave him first because all that means is that he’s a douchebag who doesn’t deserve you.

But since that probably isn’t the case either, what I would say is to just play it by ear. Don’t let outside pressures dictate what’s supposed to go on in your relationship. Monica Geller had sex on a first date on the very first episode of “Friends,” and when they did the audience likability test, the producers found that people didn’t care that she was loose – they still loved her.

So be Monica Geller. Or don’t be, it’s up to you.

My advice for you is to plan a really rom-com influenced dinner, complete with candlelight and cheap wine, and see where the night takes you. If you find that things lead you to more adult activities, be a willing participant and enjoy. You’re allowed to stop it whenever it becomes too uncomfortable. Don’t feel bad about that.

Don’t worry, Chandler will love you no matter how many times you reorganize your apartment.