Dear V: It’s hell week for my boyfriend and me…

 Dear V,

My boyfriend is currently in the middle of hell week for his frat, and I’ve officially turned into a needy betch. Between his irregular schedule and my insane one, I haven’t been able to see him for more than five minutes in the past week. Not seeing him on a regular basis stresses me out and makes me even more upset, as if school didn’t kill me enough. I just want someone to talk to, snuggle with and f*ck. What do I do? How do I get my independence back?


Sad and Pathetic



Dear Melancholia,

You have perfectly listed the basic necessities for dating: talking, snuggling and f*cking. Every relationship at its core is nothing more than that dependable friend who can satisfy your social and biological needs.

The separation from this human parasite can feel drastic. But it shouldn’t mean the end of the Mayan calendar or Y2K. We can get through this together. I believe in you.

Let’s put everything into perspective. Your boyfriend’s hell week probably requires him to do some unsavory actions. Frats are not all unicorns and rainbows. Depending on the fraternity, he has probably made a trip to BT Gentlemen’s Club, streaked at the command of his leaders, and been forced to eat materials while blindfolded. Hey, it’s hell week so it’s supposed to feel as close to the belly of that demonic beast.

His hell week is your heaven week. You can take a break from all those terrible girlfriend duties like having sex at his every whim or listening to him about boring stuff like school, sports and his mom. Yes, it’s a “Mean Girls” quote. Sorry not sorry.

Your story reminds me of the TV show “Greek” that appeared on the ABC Family scene before “Switched at Birth” and “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” tanked the channel’s respect. “Greek’s” main sister found it difficult to balance school, her boyfriend and the sorority. But she learns that she will eventually graduate and none of this will matter.

So take a lesson from this instructional and unrealistic slice of American college life. What matters now only begins to scratch the surface on your overall life. Have fun, focus on your career and be open to new experiences.

Forget about your boy-toy and bask in the Miami sun in a worry-free stupor.