An Open Letter to Club Promoters
Dear Club Promoters,
What’s up bottle rat L*O*S*E*R*S? Have I mentioned to you lately how much I love when you do that star thing? Really attention-grabbing. Anyway, glad you could take time out of your busy day spent mass texting underage girls to read what I am sure will be one of the most RAGING BLOGPOSTS OF THE CENTURY at the WOLRD’S HOTTEST BLOG.
First off, kudos to you for taking on a second job on top of your 15 hours a week selling rhinestone shades at Sunglass Hut. Your hard work is the essence of the American dream. The hours a day you spend spamming my Facebook with event invites are inspirational; working nights just so you can feed a family of four comp’d bottles. Your mom must be proud.
As much as I admire your work ethic, I’d like to unsubscribe from your constant texts, Facebook event invites and any other means that enables you to contact me in sentences where the first letter of every word in the sentence is capitalized. I appreciate that you kept me in my mind but I’d rather be dragged across hot pavement naked than go to anything called “Wet Wednesdays” (18 to party, 21 to need to re-evaluate your life).
I sincerely pity anyone who has found the slightest sense of self-importance from a “job” that consists of them changing their cover photo to promote a night of “nasty beats and b*tches,” but even my deepest sympathy isn’t going to get me out of bed to say your name at the door. I know you’re in good company though, surrounded by girls half your age probably coming straight from their SATs.
So, this is it for us. Kindly forget to extend an invitation to me from now on. I’ll understand.
Jackie Salo is majoring in journalism and political science since she couldn’t find a job as a froyo taste tester. She has won numerous awards including the prestigious Chai Center Hebrew School Perfect Attendance Award 2004. Follow Jackie on Twitter at @GoodInsanity.
As Told by Jackie is a blog that chronicles all of Jackie’s latest grievances that result from not being able to sleep 28 hours a day.