Dear V: How to lose a girl who’s moving too close…

My long-distance girlfriend and I recently broke up and while I have moved on from the relationship with ease, she seems to have taken it differently. She is leaving her home and moving closer to me to try to win me back. While I’m extremely flattered and I still care deeply about her and would not want to break her heart, there is no way I see us getting back together.
What should I do?


Dear Pat Benatar,

I think everyone has had their “Stage 5 Clinger” moments, and while I understand you don’t want to break her heart, you’ve got to make it clear to her that the relationship isn’t going to work anymore.
Let’s take a look at the instant replay of your question (The Michigan State fans insisted on it). You say she moved closer to you to win you back. The problem with some people and movies is that movies can permanently detach some people from reality. In a romantic film for instance, this might be something a character would do, and it usually ends up working out and everyone is happy. In the real world, this type of behavior generally leads to jealous rage and stalking, which inevitably requires restraining orders. If she’s willing to pick up and move for you, what else is she capable of?
Hiring a private detective? Breaking into your apartment and sniffing your sheets? Picking up your pubic hair with a piece of tape to create a shrine for you in her closet? This chick might be going bonkers, and it won’t only affect you, it will affect every future relationship you have.
Sometimes, if you really do care about somebody, you have to break their heart. You need to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that the relationship is over. Remind her more than once that not only is it unlikely you will ever be together again, it is completely impossible.
If you want to remain friends that’s fine, but even that will only work if she understands that you will never again be anything more. If she can’t, or refuses to accept that, you might have to just cut ties with her, because she isn’t thinking rationally. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you’re probably going to have to, just do it softly and allow her to cry on your shoulder one last time.

Sending some English Leather Cologne to you
that will keep any woman away,


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