Dear V: Two heads may be better than one…

Dear V,

I started to like this girl whom I’m very close to. Unfortunately, I’m reluctant to seriously date her. You see, the problem is there is another girl who my heart belongs to, or at least used to. I’m afraid that if I see the two side-by-side – which is very likely, seeing as they will be both be in attendance at my events – I will “cheat” on the girl I want to ask out now with the girl I used to love nearby. I don’t want to do wrong by this new girl and I certainly want to be with her, but I fear my own actions.


Stuck in a Rut


Dear Hugh Hefner,

What are your “events?” Are these frat parties, student activities or are you opening up for Sinbad at The Apollo? I guess it doesn’t matter. Anyway, I can understand your conundrum, and, since this isn’t 1850 and you aren’t Brigham Young, you’re going to have to make a choice.

First off, which girl likes you more – in other words, which one is more likely to go out of her way to spend time with you? If you still don’t know the answer, text both of them at the same time with the same text and see which one replies first. Yes, there are variables which may interfere with their ability to text back, but think of it as divine providence.

This choice is never easy to make and it isn’t easy to give advice for. Ask people who know both of them which one they think is a better match for you, how am I supposed to know?

I know your preferences and these girls’ personalities about as well as Washington knows how to come up with a federal budget (although I can tell you that any girl is probably going to raise your debt ceiling). As long as you’re not committed to either, you’re not cheating on anyone; you’re just trying to figure out what’s best for you. If either one of them cared about you, they would recognize that.

As far as “fearing [your] actions” goes, I wouldn’t worry much about it. If Charlie Sheen doesn’t fear any of his actions, then you certainly shouldn’t. I would imagine you’re not railing blow out of stripper cleavage.

If you like the new girl, go with her. If that leads to you becoming ritually unclean, then so be it, but at least try to have some willpower.

Anyway, figure it out, Fonzie. You have two girls that you can pick from, think of how many poor schmucks don’t have any (Carrot Top). If you still can’t make a decision then take them both and move to Waco, Texas, just don’t let the ATF or the FBI find out.


Send me a video of the impending catfight (better be in HD),


Have a question for V? Hit up