Dear V: I want to get my munch on…

Dear V,

I am a bisexual woman here at UM and I have an enormous crush on a bisexual adult film star. I know what you’re thinking … “You and every other guy out there!” I admit, I seem to harbor a new crush every few weeks on women and men alike, but this is definitely different. I know that she is much more than just what she does for a living. I’ve liked her for a few months now and from what I can tell about her personality off-screen, she is a super sweet girl with a strong sense of self, has great taste in music and our aesthetic preferences perfectly complement one another.

I’ve decided to become her “Secret Admiress” in order to try to get my foot in the door and to let her know that she has caught the genuine, whole-hearted attention of a woman for once. Hopefully, it’s a welcome break from the monotonous sea of desperate men who bow down to her just because they’ve seen every inch of her body, inside and out. I recently sent her a beautiful bouquet of daisies and thankfully, she absolutely loved them! However, where do I go from here? I need to know not only how to be a great “Secret Admiress,” but also how to successfully woo this coveted, wonder of a woman. Please help!

Her best-kept Secret Admiress

Dear Anne Heche,

To be perfectly honest with you, no, my idea of the perfect girlfriend is not a fly-by-night, revolving-door cum dumpster, but if yours is, good for you, I’d be happy to help. Obviously, during that witty dialogue somewhere between her being locked in that “prison cell” by the mean, but sexy prison guard “Blowma’ Sebastian Cock,” and the encore Cleveland Steamer, you saw something within her personality that you became deeply enthralled with. Perhaps you saw how “real” and “genuine” she was when she forgot her next line, or maybe that monotone delivery exemplified how deep and brooding she really is.

Whatever your reasons, I’d love to make this happen for you. So you already sent the bouquet of flowers? Well, there’s step one. If there’s one thing stalkers and the private detectives hired to catch them know, there’s nothing that says “you’re in my thoughts, and my thoughts are currently dried up and flakey in a rag on the floor” like a bouquet of flowers. I’m not really sure how you know she loved them, unless you parked your car outside of her house the day she found them on her doorstep, but the University of Miami School of Law advised me not to pursue that matter any further. I would advise warming up to your Own Private Ida-HO with a few romantic notes. Find some Robert Frost poem to throw on there, hell, you can probably use one from Frosty the Snowman for all she’ll recognize, just slather a romantic line, maybe a little plush heart with a white bow-tie around it, just don’t use glitter, it‘ll look like it was made by the pre-pubescent Olsen twins (or if it‘s white glitter, the post-pubescent Olsen twins). Remember a few things when you’re going after a secret admirer:

1. There’s a fine line between being romantic and stalking. If you send them something every day, they’re going to get creeped out, and they’ll probably buy a shotgun for protection. You don’t want your face to look like Rocky from “Mask” when you leave their doorstep.

2. If you decide to pen something from your own collection of poetry, make sure that you appear as confident that they will adore you as you do them. Don’t be like “Red” from “The Shawshank Redemption” with any “I hope[s].” “I hope” basically says to her, “I’m too ugly,” or “dammit, the tetracycline didn’t help.”   Instead, really sell yourself to them. Pretend you’re that one hooker downtown that’s a little too old and haggard for the young professionals but a little too classy for the longshoremen.  Let her know what you’re bringing to the table, and don’t be afraid to over exaggerate your appraised value; just don’t get desperate.

After a few weeks (be patient) ask her if maybe you could meet for coffee. Make sure it’s somewhere public, with high pedestrian traffic, so if she thinks she might need two or three people to help fight you off she’ll have them ready at her disposal. If she’s not quite ready yet, stand down for a week or two, and try with the notes, some candy or some flowers again. If she doesn’t want to meet a second time, give up, go get drunk and find someone on the rebound. That method has been proven for centuries.

I hope this helps a bit. Good luck to you and Molly Muffdiver, I hope your relationship is at least more fruitful than David Caruso’s movie career.

Hope you enjoy those mashed potatoes,