I’ve been a good boy, honest! Why then, Department of Housing, did you deprive me of accommodations next year? I feel personally insulted. The lottery process makes no sense. Clearly the better people should get housing. I am better! Pick me!
I was already planning to make a panini in my UV apartment. How can you deprive someone who was already fantasizing about glorious sandwiches of housing? I had a future with basil, prosciutto, fresh tomatoes and mozzarella, drizzled with extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette on a crunchy baguette! And now my dream has been crushed.
I did not understand the pain of the Libyan protestors until I saw the decree on the myUM Web site. They have Gaddafi and we have the Department of Housing and Residential Life. Our overlords don’t even travel with tents and wear exotic outfits. The Libyan people aren’t being kicked out of the UV to the cutthroat housing market of Miami. They don’t have to deal with rush-hour traffic on US1.
Of course, no word yet from the Obama administration. He stood for democracy in the State of the Union. He did offer an enthusiastic response to the Tunisian rebellion. Now human rights observers critique his inconsistent attitude about the more recent crises in the Middle East. Mr. President, I implore you to protect your young American citizens from being forcibly displaced from their homes. Honor your commitment to democracy and prevent this autocratic atrocity!
I’m a reasonable guy. I’ve agonized about this commitment. My stomach turned over and over again. I’ve decided to capitulate. Sigh. I will eat Chartwell’s food for a fourth year! Don’t you see I am at your mercy here? You can even give me a cot in the School of Nursing. It is important that UM’s future nurses start training in dealing with the most needy patients early. They’ll be battle-hardened and ready after one year of serving me.
Fellow evicted residents, we shall trudge together from our homes in solidarity! I hope our “trail of tears” does not end in abject misery. We have placed our names on the waiting list- our souls are being held in limbo until the pearly gates hopefully open.
Josh Kornfield is a junior majoring in international studies and political science. He may be contacted at