Dear V: How do I deal with the hypocrisy?

Dear V,

I’m an average run-of-the-mill gay man. I like having fun and I like good-looking guys, and having said that, Miami is definitely not a bad place to be! I’ve had lots of good times over my 3.5 years, but one thing has begun to annoy me: Among my sexual escapades are two guys, both of whom were exceedingly insistent on keeping their orientations secret. Of course, that was nothing too unusual and I willingly complied, but recently I’ve overheard one of them joking around and using a particularly vulgar and vicious homophobic slur. Normally I would never out another of my kind, but the hypocrisy is overwhelming in this case. At what point do I stop biting my tongue and teach these jerks a lesson about how to treat ex-lovers?

A Queer Quagmire

Well Quagmire,

I do understand your frustration, regardless of sexual orientation. Personally, I cannot stomach someone who shows a person genuine care and affection solely behind closed doors; to make sure not to let their true feelings be seen. It only shows a great deal of insecurity on their part, especially in your specific case.

While I do share a certain level of contempt with such individuals, I think you need to reflect on your own past if you desire a truly well thought-out approach to dealing with such people.

Just reflect back on your own life when you were tucked away in that horribly cramped and outdated closet that most assuredly brought you a certain level of bitterness and pain. You look back on that person and you vow that you’ll never regress to such a phase. You’ll never return to such a fragile state of mind. You’ll never hide who you were meant to be.

But what you have to remember is, at that time, you would have denied your true identity to the grave, in whatever fashion you deemed suitable. What you are witnessing in your exes is just that- a total and overtly obvious dismissal of their true identity.

What good is it try to force an issue with which you honestly have no business getting involved in? I agree that homophobic slurs of any kind have no place in conversation. So, if that is your issue, then I encourage you to speak your mind and share your distaste for the terminology, not for the person who is exhibiting an abundance of ignorance.

Personally, it seems that you’re simply looking for an excuse to act out some suppressed anger that has built up over some time for these people. In that case, I encourage you to just let go. If it helps, find contentment in the notion that while they are spreading words of hate, they are concealing an ever-increasing amount of internalized turmoil and confusion, which is most certainly a sufficient punishment.

Have the “It Gets Better” videos taught you nothing? Bullying comes in many forms and it is in no way a phenomena reserved solely for heterosexual homophobic men. You too can become a bearer of the blunt object of brutality- simply with your words. So bite your tongue, for a well-trained one knows when to speak, when to stay quiet and (as every gay man should know) when to go to town.

Think about it,


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