Dear V: Exhausting workout also provides exhausting problem

DISCLAIMER: The following column includes information about personal bodily functions. If you are not comfortable with this subject matter, The Miami Hurricane advises that you not read any further.

Dear V,

When I work out on any of the cardio machines, not only do I get an erection but also I end up cumming. What do I do? It’s so humiliating to be sporting wood and then to end up at my dorm with sticky shorts. But I need to get my cardio workout in to stay healthy and in shape.

-Physical Exertion

Dear Exertion,

I suppose it’s no wonder why your equipment is turbocharged at the gym. After all, that place is full of physically fit individuals, sporting spandex, with sweat dripping in all the right places. Perhaps all you need is to get your mind in the right place to, shall I say, cool your jets. Here are some things that you can think about to prevent yourself from getting aroused:

Baseball. Queen Elizabeth. Used Band-Aids. Muffin tops. Back acne. Dust bunnies. The Department of Motor Vehicles. Staplers. Grandma’s facial hair. Dog doo. Britney Spears (during the K-Fed era). K-Fed. Garlic breath. Bricks. The News Hour with Jim Lehrer. Final exams. Telemarketers. Goiters. Hippopotami. Any movie in which a black male comedian stars as an overweight woman. Peter Griffin. Colonoscopies. Cactus gardens. Celery. Stretch marks. Overdraft fees. Little kids with snot on their face. Janet Reno. Moles with little hairs growing out of them. Cloris Leachman’s breasts. 238490 ÷ 13. Getting your car towed. Old milk. Appendicitis. Dr. Phil. Sewage leaks. Vegemite. Ugg boots. Miami drivers. Teeth during oral sex. Snuggies. Mustard stains. Monetary fines. Scabies. Fanny packs. The family of rats that lives in Amy Winehouse’s hair. Waiting lists. Carrots stuck in a tween girl’s braces. A bulldog riding on a skateboard. That last sip of warm beer. Creamed corn. Plumbers’ butt cracks. Sudoku. Cockroaches. Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Applying ointment on yourself. Applying ointment on others. What fraternity houses smell like. Chartwell’s. Former President Rutherford B. Hayes. Taxidermy. Bleu cheese. Your entire extended family doing the Electric Slide. And, the economy.

If my long list of non-suggestive suggestions fails to quell your libido, try relieving yourself before you go to the gym. I can assure you that regular masturbation has multiple benefits but you don’t have to take my word for it!

Best of luck!