Dear V: Will digital interaction require virus scan?

DISCLAIMER: The following column includes graphic sexual content. If you are not comfortable with this subject matter, The Hurricane advises that you not read any further.

Dear V,

I’m sure you hear this all the time, but this question is about my friend. He went to Bare Necessities last weekend and made out with and fingered a stripper while making it rain over her head. Will he get any type of bacterial infection? Why do men who can get women without going to strip clubs pay for dirty poontang?

~One Hundred in Ones


Dear One Hundred in Ones,

Actually, it’s not too often that someone asks me if fingering a stripper will result in an infection. But I’m glad you asked! I am not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that the likelihood of that happening is low.

I would think it also depends on what he did directly after his activity with said stripper (i.e. wash his hands or say, I don’t know, lick his fingers?). The reason I mention this is because STDs such as chlamydia are bacterial and could be passed on through oral sex. If he got whatever ended up on his fingers in his mouth or other open parts of his body, then I guess there’s a chance. And the thing about chlamydia is that it is asymptomatic, therefore your friend could carry and pass it without even knowing.

Your concern for your friend is obvious, which is good! Friends need friends to watch out for them when they’re being silly. Maybe it would be a good idea to encourage him to get tested for STDs. I mean, you can never be too sure.

As far as the second part of your question, about why eligible men resort to strip clubs and “dirty poontang,” I have learned that the one has nothing to do with the other. Let’s face it: men love strip clubs. Mention strip clubs or strip poker and you’ll get a big ol’ grin on a man’s face faster than I can take my clothes off.

Your friend clearly isn’t looking for a real woman. The point in going to a strip club (other than the obvious 100 percent guarantee of seeing boobies everywhere) is that it’s a little no-strings-attached fantasy come true. It’s like a live version of the sexual escapades they have in their dreams. Going to a strip club allows your friend to have fun with a woman without judgment or a chance of failure.

With that said, you can see that what happens in a strip club isn’t real life, and it’s important to keep it that way. This type of physical contact with strippers shouldn’t become a lifestyle. Sure, bros like to go to strip clubs every once in a while, but anything beyond that may become suspect. Basically, when your friend makes it rain, you’ll be the one to show him the light again.