Ron “the Hedgehog” Jeremy busts a freestyle and disses Jenna

Writing an introduction for a Ron Jeremy interview is like writing one for the president; nearly everyone already knows who he is. If you were sheltered as a child, let me get this over with quick: he’s the world’s most famous porn star, ever.

Besides steadily porking his way through decades of skin flicks like Hershe Highway and Coming in America, Mr. Jeremy has kept his clothes on long enough to slip into a few mainstream/cult flicks like Orgasmo (as an evil porn-star) and Detroit Rock City (as an announcer for a strip show).

A recent no-gloss documentary on his life, Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy, not only examines how much endurance this guy has, it also reveals how much his profession demands it. From fending off harsh criticisms from a younger generation of female gyrators, to blurrily hopping on countless flights for movie shoots and parties, Ron is a consummate businessman with trash bags for a briefcase. Oh yeah, and there’s the whole issue of hell.

This is an unprotected Life & Art interview with the legend himself.

Q: So, what’s your favorite microwavable food?
RJ: Oh, this is good. Microwavable food?

RJ: None. Somehow I find that nuking has a flavor all it’s own; I never ever, ever microwave anything. I guess pasta, like certain kinds of ravioli. I’d rather just eat it cold. I’m very big on leftovers. I love to go to a restaurant not eat everything there, and just wrap it up; some of mine, some of yours, whatever the guy next to me is eating…

Q: So, your nickname’s “The Hedgehog,” you play a lot of Sonic the Hedgehog?
RJ: No, but should I sue ’em for taking my name away?

I think you’d look a lot better in a ball spinning around than him.
RJ: Thank you for that. Al Goldstein (publisher of Screw magazine, etc) wants to change my name to “Manatee” because I’m an endangered species. They’re little fat things that float.

Q: Of all the fake boobs in Miami, which ones are the tastiest?
RJ: Your mom’s. Ha, ha, ha.

Woah, look out!
RJ: I couldn’t help that. I actually prefer natural, I’m a big, big, big fan of natural. Big, small, large… they usually tend to be more sensitive. I really wanna talk girls out of doing it; no girls get a boob job once. They get it done two or three more times in the course of five or 10 years and that’s ridiculous because their nipples don’t work as well.

Q: What advice would you give to, well…say me, if I wanted to get started in the porno business?
RJ: You couldn’t. I’m kidding. Who do you spank the monkey to? The girl. We’re props. You call World Modeling in L.A. and you go with a girl. If you go with a girl, you’ll have a job in two weeks, if you go alone, two years.

Q: When you meet guys, many are probably picturing you naked. Is that weird?
RJ: Once in a while, but it’s not that much of a problem. I like when women often make a comment. I don’t get girls wanting just to do me, but I often do get girls wanting just to see it – that happens a lot. And I go, “Well, show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” And they say, “Well, yeah, but I’m not in the business.” And I’ll say, “Yeah, well I clocked out.” Then it becomes very romantic.

Q: You did a song with DJ Polo (Kool G Rap’s DJ in the Cold Chillin’ days) “Freak of the Week.” Wanna drop me a freestyle?
RJ: R-o-n that’s who I be/ For those who can’t spell Ron Jeremy/ Went freaky way before they made ecstasy/ Dennis Haas gave me the extra key/ So I called up Polo and he called G/ Let’s go to the Bunny Ranch one, two, three/Soon as I step up to the door/ Let’s get buck naked do it on the floor/ With a sexy young lady that I adore/ When she’s exhausted I look for more/ Thank you Daddy D now that’s the score/ American and African and two Jamaicans/ If you give it to me girl I’ll be partaken/ Just the Freak of the Week there’s no mistakin’/ See me swinging from a hammock tied to a tree/ Seven hotties with their bodies all over me/ I never meant to be a teenage hunk/ But I made a lot of dough with my tree trunk.

Q: Classic. How does it feel to be one of the few guys alive that can get away with wearing a Hawaiian shirt?
RJ: Robin Williams does that a lot. They imitated me on “Saturday Night Live” and Jon Lovitz was wearing one I thought was great. It’s fun, they’re nice and comfortable; I like to wear sweat pants and Hawaiian shirts. I’m a big fan of comfort, I don’t like to wear tight pants even though it might make the schmenka look better.

Q: That makes sense. (This doesn’t.) Would you ever do a “Porno for Peace” with Linda McCartney?
RJ: Isn’t she dead?

Oh yeah.
RJ: Well, I’m stiff and she’s stiff that would be kinda of interesting. Should I wear a black rubber? Oh, that’s disgusting.

Q: You’ve got a comedy act right?
RJ: I discuss some of the bad things about porn. Can we say dirty words on this?

Don’t worry about it.
RJ: That car cost me 150 anals and two D.P.s. In fact Jenna Jameson had a beautiful fur coat she wore, and these feminist activists are yelling at her, “You know how many animals had to die for that fur?” Please, do you know how many guys she had to blow to get that fur…not bad huh? (Editor’s note: Insert drum roll here.)

Q: Is there anyone that should be in porn that’s not?
RJ: Your mom! Again with the mother!

Q: How about Strom Thurman?
Um yeah, that’d be interesting. I’ve directed a lot of people who are on the fringe of celebrity-hood: John Bobbitt, Divine Brown (the Hugh Grant hooker) called it a Doc-Hugh-Drama, I directed a Miami Dolphin, a big huge black guy, that was called Back Field in Motion, Ice T, Vince Neil, Lemmy from Motor head…

Q: What’s a blooper you can give me that I can publish?
RJ: It’s funny as hell. There was a movie years ago I was helping direct. One of the lights that gets really close sometimes, called the “sun gun” or the “see light” – we were doing one of those up-and-over angles where you go underneath the guys legs, and see him doing the girl you know, straight down? We call it the Australian angle – the guy goes “down-under.” The camera made it underneath the guys legs, shooting the “insertion” close ups, well, the light got too close and we started to smell something. And sure enough they’re burning his ball hairs. He sealed it with a double flip twist into the pool. That was very entertaining.

I’ll bet none of you were ready for that rap, Ron gets busy son! If you still need more Ron (and I know a lot of lonely dorm rooms that do) go next door and borrow a tape.
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